I’ve always found wildlife very calming– except when animals are eating each other, of course.

You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all.

Don’t take life so seriously. It’s not like you’re gonna get out alive anyway.

I’ve got two jobs to do. One of those jobs is to not cry. It’s not a job, but it is in its isn’tness. I could go for either a cup of coffee, or an...

I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m...

Happiness is a warm puppy.

but if Yale joined us, there would be.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.

I often repeat repeat myself,I often repeat repeat.I don’t don’t know why know why,I simply know that I I Iam am inclined to say to saya lot a lot this way this way-I often repeat...

Jane Austen would be so proud. Another girl trussed up for a fancy party.””On the contrary, she’d be horrified. All that skin. You’d need about another five yards of material.

I messed around once with a woman named Twice. But it won’t happen a third time.

Coffee is made from beans. Burritos also have beans in them, although I’ll admit a burrito isn’t as drinkable as a cup of coffee.

I hate girls that giggle all the time… You hate any girl that David looks at.

I wanted desperately to get all hot and sweaty with this guy, but I knew from experience that hormones affected my sensibilities like alcohol or pot. In the throes of passion I tend to vow...

…as the old saying goes: if you teach a man to fish, he will feed himself for a lifetime. But if you just give him a fishing pole, he’ll have to teach himself.

Three men walk into a bar. The third guy’s name is 333. The first guy’s name is The Second Guy, and the second guy’s name is I’m Not Lying. One of these men is not...

If he didn’t want to talk about it, I wouldn’t mention anything. I wanted him to open it up for me, not me intruding and asking questions to him.

We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.

I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and then publish the results as an exercise in the absurd.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I’m cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

Starting over is not a sign of failure. I look at it this way: A person enrolled at the wrong life college, underwent some hellish classes, passed a lot of difficult tests, majored in perspective,...

You think he has some bomb defusing MacGyver contraption cooked up that involves lube, condoms, and a paper clip?

Soul mates are said to be two souls destined to be together, programmed to recognize each other across time and space. I didn’t know whether that was the truth, but I was inclined to believe...

LEELA: ‘To be, or not to be, that is the question.’ That is a very stupid question!THE DOCTOR: It’s Shakespeare.LEELA: And that is a very stupid name. You do not shake a spear, you throw...

I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.

A pen is like a switchblade you can actually write with—and pull off a successful mugging with.

BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!

Beware Stephen! There will probably be a magical combat of some sort. I daresay I shall have to take on different forms – cockatrice, raw head and bloody bones, rains of fire, etc., etc. You...

Snakes don’t have fuckin’ legs, so how was I supposed to think there’d be one hidin’ in the face of a damn rock that’s ten feet below the summit?

Tell this guy to eat a hundred-calorie pack of dicks.

creativity starts’ with a simple master piece

Why did I ever wake up!” he cried.

My STD test results came back, and sure enough, I’m a genius.

Bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, naked bride of Beimerstetten,” and he imagines a procession of proud military men blowing trumpets as they stomp through a bomb-devastated town to the tune of...

You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.

What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing

There are more quarrels smothered by just shutting your mouth, and holding it shut, than by all the wisdom in the world.

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.

She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?

A person crying is like a sponge wringing itself out. Love is better than a sink that turns itself off without you having to touch the handle.

An overnight bag with the company logo – a white silhouette of a finch (which once perched on the curved back of a stallion representing cofounder, Orwell, but has now been ‘adjusted’) – sits motionless...

JAQUES: Rosalind is your love’s name?ORLANDO: Yes, just.JAQUES: I do not like her name.ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened.

Hey, mister, I don’t think so. You go outside and yell at sky, you so angry.

Her family had of late been exceedingly fluctuating. For many years of her life she had had two sons; but the crime and annihilation of Edward a few weeks ago, had robbed her of one;...

Objection!” Metz shouts.Grounds?” the judge asks.Well…he’s my witness!

For me, boviscopophobia (=the morbid fear of being seen as bovine) is an even stronger motive than semi-agoraphobia for staying on the ship when we’re in port.

A nation’s not a child, for God’s sake. … It’s like a wild horse you tame by breaking it. Or a fiery woman you slap till she sees sense and warms your bed.

If I was in deep shit with Lilian before, I was snorkeling at the waste treatment plant now.

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

She started dialing his cell, then hung up and tried the landline — maybe Margaret was a better bet to pick up; their parents’ generation still felt morally obligated to answer phones.