I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.

People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, “If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to...

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I...

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual’.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I’m an adult.

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught...

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how...

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming… They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the...

New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New...

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, “I don’t know…...

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night’ ‘you’re a pervert’ I said, ‘that’s a big word for a girl of nine’.

You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it’s stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be...

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.