The first casualty of war is casual wear.

Okay, you won our shitty little argument. Pass the world.

Maud: Young women are never happy.Betty: Mother, what a thing to say.Maud: Then when they’re older they look back and see that comparatively speaking they were ecstatic.

At Columbus Circle, a juggler wearing a trench cloak and top hat, who is usually at this location afternoons and who calls himself Stretch Man, performs in front of a small, uninterested crowd; though I...

Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So...

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

Invisible things are the only realities.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.

So you’ve been gone a couple days,’ Alison said. ‘Hmm, what’d you miss…A celebrity did drugs. Politicians disagreed. A different celebrity wore a bikini that revealed a bodily imperfection. A team won a sporting event,...

Because I want to have sex with him–and because that’s sinful–I’m blushing and flushing furiously under his scrutinizing scrutiny.

Don’t pinch that guy’s ass. He’s a leprechaun.

Miss New Mexico stared, dumbfounded. “Stand out? Stand out? I have a freaking tray stuck in my forehead!” She broke into fresh sobs.Taylor clapped for attention. “Miss New Mexico, let’s not get all down in...

Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!

But here’s the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they’re completely deluding themselves. There’s simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn’t hate them so...

What have you got in there you little bastard?

How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let’s just carry it over. It’ll...

People said there had to be a Supreme Being because otherwise how could the universe exist, eh?And of course there clearly had to be, said Koomi, a Supreme Being. But since the universe was a...

By and large, the mission of any ghost is to offer humility. They point out what’s important by mocking what is not.(Joshua Malina, Sports Night)

And to officially declare you have talent ” Suzy returned.

The world is indeed a cold, hard stone.

My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. ‘I think it was very...

This work was strictly voluntary, but any animal who absented himself from it would have his rations reduced by half.

Going into the Republican Party National Convention, in all objective truth, our non‑winning front‑runners are the sorriest collection of stuffed shirts, empty suits, self‑gratulatory ignorami, and outright wig‑flipped ding‑dongs in the history of the Republic.

After riding like a moron all over the place, observes the face of an Indian when he crashes. He is stunned.

Fifteen years ago, this would have been insider trading, but that quaint concept had disappeared a decade or two ago when so many brokers were doing it that it was impossible to jail them all....

He would be a consul no doubt by and by, at some foreign port, of the language of which he was ignorant; though if ignorance of language were a qualification he might have been a...

Religion, a mediaeval form of unreason, when combined with modern weaponry becomes a real threat to our freedoms. This religious totalitarianism has caused a deadly mutation in the heart of Islam and we see the...

The paths people choose in life can lead to the creation or destruction of people, places, things, and relationships. The future is uncertain, but what is certain is there will be change.

Ah, I believe Schacht. Only too willingly; that’s to say, I think what he says is absolutely true, for the world is incomprehensibly crass, tyrannical, moody, and cruel to sickly and sensitive people. Well, Schacht...

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

A Harvey Nicks chick with throwaway morals and a trustfund appetite.

The Truth Shall Make Ye Fret. [Fred. Free.]

Ball tempering is common in Cricket. Rigging is common in Elections. Whats the big deal? — Najumi Sethi

The iron has entered my soul,’ announced George Knox impressively. ‘Let me tell you, my dear Laura, that when I lay here weak and ill, unable to raise a hand in my own defence, I...

The news that she had gone of course now spread rapidly, and by lunch time Riseholme had made up its mind what to do, and that was hermetically to close its lips for ever on...

Incidentally, it’s easy to write prescriptions, but difficult to come to an understanding with people.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy...

Behind every preventable threat to the future of the human race lurks a boy in a man’s body with both hands buried deep in the cookie jar set aside for future generations.

The Prayer of the Middle-Aged ManAmid the doctors in the Temple at twelve, between mother & host at Cana implored too soon, in the middle of disciples, the midst of the mob, between High-Priest and...

The Open Road goes to the used-car lot.

Are you trying to seduce me or trick me?

To think or not to think? That is the new question.

Not again, Draper,” Frank sighed. “You’re not going to stop us from crossing. You and I know that the one thing the Government does even more poorly than provide healthcare is secure its borders.

I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!

You’ll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door because I’ll beworking pretty late on the secret of making myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven o’clock.

The wicked are wicked, no doubt, and they go astray and they fall, and they come by their deserts; but who can tell the mischief which the very virtuous do?

If this is the best of possible worlds, what then are the others?

Just for a while”: Death’s opening chat-up line in His great seduction, before he drugged you with soporific comforts, distracted you with minor luxuries and ensnared you with long-term payment plans.Join the Rat Race “just...

I never blame any one,” said Kemp. “It’s quite out of fashion.

I have actually known a case where a Woman has exterminated her whole household, and half an hour afterwards, when her rage was over and the fragments swept away, has asked what has become of...