aptitude” for math, but all you got in the end was a B minus. The truth is you weren’t even trying. But then you got low Cs and Ds in all your other classes and...

A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t figured out how to tie their own shoes by now, torture really is...

Jericho stopped him before he left. He slid the ring off his finger and handed it to him. “Take this.”Asmodeus curled his lip as he shrank back from it. “I’m not about to marry your...

I am not.” Jaccob took his hand out of his coat pocket, where he’d been reaching to check his police scanner or music player (he hadn’t decided which to use first).

Jasmine believes in a prophecy that says she is destined to love a man named Josh Toby. Okay, fine. He could believe that. Hell, he had friends who believed carbohydrates were the work of the...

My pants pant like a dog, and they drool at the zippered mouth. When I go for a walk, they go for a walk. Now, if only they could play fetch.

No, Miss Palmer. What is bizarre is that I currently have a vagina.

If you have to worry about a man, he’s not worth worrying about.

Die, die we all pass away, But don’t wear a frown coz it’s really okay,And you might try to hide, And you might try to pray,But we all end up remains of the day.

The Prince found Buttercup waiting unhappily outside his chamber doors.It’s my letter,’ she began. ‘I cannot make it right.’Come in, come in,’ the Prince said gently. ‘Maybe we can help you.’ She sat down in...

Can you drop me off at work? Just pull up to the front and pop the trunk and I’ll hop out.

A picture with one word on it is like a thousand-and-one-word piece of literature. At this rate, I should be done with my million-word novel in about 999 minutes.

I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.

Are you familiar with that play?In fact, we’re almost living it!

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

You know, I’m really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!

You ought to sue that son of a whore

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must mean I’m lost.

Want coffee?” I asked, as I headed that way.”It’s three thirty in the morning.””Okay. Want coffee?

İki tip çocuk vardı: Biri sonuna kadar gözyaşlarına boğulmayı tercih eder, ama tabağındaki pırasayı yemeye mahkum olur. Diğeri ise ne yapacağını biliyordur. Küçük, anlaşılmayacak bir samimiyete indirgenmiş ani bir kusma refleksi ve patates kızartması beş...

He offered to make-out with Hunter if it would prove that he’s ok with me being gay.””Hmm,” said Adam. “Yeah I think I need to see proof.””Shut up.””Tell him it has to be shirtless. Wait,...

Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint you can on it.

Words are the bones. Writing is the lungs. Reading is like breathing.

I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the magical bonding that occurs between two people when duct tape binds them together...

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

I knew that Sundays in England aren’t just ordinary dull Sundays, the same the world over, which demand that one simply tiptoe through without disturbing them or paying them the least attention, they are vaster...

utangaç bok” gibiydi güneş bu dönemde. Uzun bir bekleyişten sonra çıkacak gibi olur, başını uzatır, ama evdeki misafirlerden biri tuvaletin önünden geçtiğinde ses çıkarırım diye utanıp hemen geri kaçardı.

It’s called being antisocial.

Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than “Boy, I wish you hadn’t mummified me and thrown me into the lake” hate.

Courage is not beating up the bully or letting the bully beat you up, it is standing strong before the bully and seeing him for what he truly is: a child of God in need...

The number I had for her didn’t work. But in this depression, could you blame it?

It’s a long ride home with nothing but me for company. I bore myself sometimes. Not often. Just now and again.

My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her...

H.I.V.E. will not tolerate unauthorized violence between students, especially students that have only been here for a matter of hours.””I was just introducing myself,” Otto replied innocently. “I’m afraid I appear to have inadvertently offended...

I was raised the old-fashioned way, with a stern set of moral principles: Never lie, cheat, steal or knowingly spread a venereal disease. Never speed up to hit a pedestrian or, or course, stop to...

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

How would you like to star in your very own commercial?””I’d rather swim in battery acid.

A vagina is a door to a new world,” I thought as I grabbed the handle and gave it a turn.

I think you’ll find that in the long run, marathons are more of a sprint. So it is with my love, and no matter how many times you flush, the water level remains constant.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

That civet-jasmine blend you’re wearing tonight absolutely clashes with the third-level formal style of your dress, you know.

Lend me your ears and you can borrow my mind

Don’t you know that it is only the very foolish folk who talk sense all the time? (Anne)

Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.

Tell me there’s a God, and I’ll believe you. But tell me you’re not in love with me, and I’ll shoot you an incredulous look. Then I’ll shoot you.

One evening we made love all morning.

I gave her all the love I had to give—which wasn’t 100%, but rather 10%. The other 90% either evaporated or got stolen in the name of war reparations.

I don’t want to be your snack, your chew-toy, your fuck-buddy. Find a vampire to sink your fang into.

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.