I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

To me this is not just about standing on stage telling jokes. There’s a lot riding on this.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Don’t be ridiculous. Brussels sprouts are awful. Jail is just jail.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he’d left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?

Tiger was cracking jokes and relating some locker room stories. He also imitated a few players.

I am a kind of joke, but the question is: which kind? My job is to keep everyone guessing.

We have 500-year-old lawyer jokes still in circulation and most of them go back at least 100 years. But around the 1980s, there was a great shift. They became much more hostile.

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

I am not perfect, but if I looked perfect to everyone I must have been rocking imperfect perfectly to a few imperfect souls that seek imperfection vs. perfection, in an imperfect world where God asks...

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

Big time, … Im always ready for TV. I dont have to edit my jokes when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

All of my jokes were about not being able to meet anybody. I didn’t have any insight into anything – even my own insecurities.

Why was the meeting between the Americans and the Russians so tensed?Because nobody knows what Vladimir Put In Barbara’s Bush! From ‘Walk On By II

Bleeding for a decadeFor a decade,We bleed like there is no hell but the earthWe bleed like we were born to dare We bleed like there is nothing alive inside.We find a clueAfter a decadeBleeding...

When People in sales are at work, they are at war.

The TARDIS can look like whatever it wants.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

I’m not too keen on jokes that are one-liners. I want the situation to be funny.

And so the twins had remained virgins. Julia and Valentina watched all of their high school and college friends disappear one by one into the adult world of sex, until they were the only people...

In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before.

A colleague asked me how many lawyer jokes there are. I told him just three ? the rest are documented case histories.

What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning– and a child’s more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn’t deny that, even...

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

I want to be remembered for my poop jokes. Those are the most important kind.

One of the greatest gifts in this world is the ability to make others smile. – The Unauthorized Autobiography of Jonathan Fisher

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

What’s really great is when people get the jokes, when people laugh,

End of the SummerIt was end of the summerAnd my heart was brokenbut i was smiling, laughing, making jokesLike there was nothing bleeding insideAs always.

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn’t been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn’t figured out why a strong, strapping werewolf would want one. Orlando said it was because he’d customized it....

The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? Because it stays up, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on!

Fella says today, ‘Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an’ they wasn’t nobody after him.’ An’ another fella says, ‘That aint the reason. Can’t afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch ’em and milk...

I remember watching an old Dracula movie once with Alphonse and having him laugh himself sick at the sight of a vamp only a few days out of the grave supposedly raising another one.He’d been...

Everyone for the most part is really nice. There have always been jokes, but that’s part of being in the spotlight. You can’t make everyone completely happy.

A civil servant doesn’t make jokes

Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

The right honorable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts.

The itching sensation that some people mistake for ambition is merely inflammation of the wishbone

A number of the jokes were taken out of context or they were misunderstood,

I have a Siamese twin cat. It’s got 2 heads and 18 lives.

Sorry, no professionals.

Did you know that man had the nerve to lasso me while I was out in the woods?

Sooner or later, all talk among foreigners in Pyongyang turns to one imponderable subject. Do the locals really believe what they are told, and do they truly revere Fat Man and Little Boy? I have...

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.