I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

You need to understand that some comedy can have consequences.

What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?””Ask a glass of water!

It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

You can never have a thousand percent batting average on jokes – it’s just never going to happen.

Nick is a tobacco lobbyist who loves his job and doesn’t apologize for it, which [as a role] is exciting and fun because it’s politically incorrect and titillating you get great jokes out of it,

kept on talking and talking, you couldn’t contain him, an avalanche of friendly phrases and jokes. I finally felt an almost physical consolation, warmth that I had forgotten for some time.

A joke is a witticism or play on words that’s meant to be funny. I say ‘meant to be’ because most jokes aren’t funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

He loved to tell bad jokes.

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the...

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

I wrote. I wrote all the things I couldn’t say to him. I wrote about how much I believed in us. I wrote about how much I trusted God. I wrote that I was praying...

…if you think the worst you’ll get the worst, but if you think the best…””and then everything will blow up in your face anyway. Don’t you get the punchline yet? Its the great cosmic practical...

Q: What do Jesus and Nicole Brown Simpson have in common? A: They were both killed by the Joooooooose.

He was mischievous, determined to make you laugh. They could be stale jokes, lousy jokes, but his delivery was always timely.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Many things have been compared to a brick, mainly as a tribute to their intellect or to their aerodynamic characteristics.

Don’t answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you’re joking.

Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.

A joke without a point, inane and bald, itself a joke on joking may be called

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

Childhood was the germ of all mistrust. You were cruelly joked upon and then you cruelly joked. You lost the remembrance of pain through inflicting it.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

He had to ask her!”I realized that there were some cultural barriers Kian and I might never transcend.

You know you’ve reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh.

They say that if you’re good at something, never do it for free. But who would pay me to make bad jokes?

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I don’t know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Now you hear a lot of jokes about Silent Cal Coolidge, … but I think that the joke is on the people that make jokes because if you look at his record, he cut the...

frank sexual discussions and tell colorful jokes and stories (and even make expressive gestures) as part of the creative process.

I’m fascinated by idiots… Here’s looking at you, kid!

I don’t look to jokes as a balanced look at life. But they can be an indicator. Jokes work on shared and collective perceptions among people.

Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

The jokes are a little more left-of-center,

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.

teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or ironic. if they say “I wish someone would drop a bomb on this...

Don’t threaten me with a good time.

To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so completely interbred that...

In this storyI am the poetYou’re the poetry.

I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

(S)ex scenes and bathroom jokes are my bread and butter.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Now my husband jokes that if his dentist isn’t within walking distance, he isn’t going to the dentist.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

No, we are building a joke.”