I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-
They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
Our country is the best country in the world. We are swimming in prosperity and our President is the best president in the world. We have larger apples and better cotton and faster and more beautiful machines. This makes us the greatest country in the world. Unemployment is a myth. Dissatisfaction is a fable. In...
A sign read “Free drinks for billiards competitors only.” Hand-lettered below read “All others will pay.” It was written in blood. I could tell because a red fairy with what looked like black insect wings was writing it at the time, with his own dismembered finger.
Minds me of a story they tell about Willy Feeley when he was a young fella. Willy was bashful, awful bashful. Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves’ bull. Ever’body was out but Elsie Graves, and Elsie wasn’t bashful at all. Willy, he stood there turnin’ red an’ he couldn’t even talk....
Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like its funny
Can anything be more disgusting than to hear people called ‘educated’ making small jokes about eating ham, and showing themselves empty of any real knowledge as to the relation of their own social and religious life to the history of the people they think themselves witty in insulting? […] The best thing that can be...
Tobin,” Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn’t a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally – I mean, you don’t want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, “Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, ‘What’ll ya have?’ And the guy says, ‘Whaddya got?’ And the bartender says, ‘I don’t know...
Mom, how come you never go outside?””I told you, I’m a vampire.
Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.
Life would be perfect if monster would stop farting.
Old Tom giggled, “Fooled ya, huh, Ma? We aimed to fool ya, and we done it. Jus’ stood there like a hammered sheep. Wisht Grampa’d been here to see. Looked like somebody’d beat ya between the eyes with a sledge. Grampa would a whacked ‘imself so hard he’d a throwed his hip out–like he done...
You need to understand that some comedy can have consequences.
What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?””Ask a glass of water!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.
I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.
…if you think the worst you’ll get the worst, but if you think the best…””and then everything will blow up in your face anyway. Don’t you get the punchline yet? Its the great cosmic practical joke: Knock knock, who’s there? Big kick in the Ass.