I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-
Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!
Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.
Casy said, “Ol’ Tom’s house can’t be more’n a mile from here. Ain’t she over that third rise?”Sure,” said Joad. “Less somebody stole it, like Pa stole it.”Your pa stole it?”Sure, got it a mile an’ a half east of here an’ drug it. Was a family livin’ there, an’ they moved away. Grampa an’...
Don’t be ridiculous. Brussels sprouts are awful. Jail is just jail.
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.
I want to be remembered for my poop jokes. Those are the most important kind.
Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.
Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!
I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.
teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or ironic. if they say “I wish someone would drop a bomb on this school right now,” that means they have arranged for a nuclear arsenal to be emptied onto the school and should...
Old Tom giggled, “Fooled ya, huh, Ma? We aimed to fool ya, and we done it. Jus’ stood there like a hammered sheep. Wisht Grampa’d been here to see. Looked like somebody’d beat ya between the eyes with a sledge. Grampa would a whacked ‘imself so hard he’d a throwed his hip out–like he done...
Minds me of a story they tell about Willy Feeley when he was a young fella. Willy was bashful, awful bashful. Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves’ bull. Ever’body was out but Elsie Graves, and Elsie wasn’t bashful at all. Willy, he stood there turnin’ red an’ he couldn’t even talk....
I have a Siamese twin cat. It’s got 2 heads and 18 lives.
A number of the jokes were taken out of context or they were misunderstood,