Yeah? Well, if there’s anything worse than a whore it’s a bore.

Her descriptions will be incandescent, perfect little nuggets of phraseology, and there will probably be lots of sex in her writing – the clinical type of sex with labias and clitorises and tongues going everywhere.

I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

I had a dream about you last night… you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

Epic fail, beautiful.

I pee in the sink, so I can save time by washing my hands at the same time that I am urinating. I’ll bet you’re wondering where my favorite place to make love is.

Vanilla has become too genericized. It’s become standard, which is good. Vanilla is a household name. But the same standardization that’s made it so popular has taken the novelty out of it. Being the vanguard...

Great,” Shane said. “Look i’d rather not be on janitorial duty. I have allergies to cleaners.””And to cleaning,” Michael said.”Look who’s talking, Didn’t the do one of those Animal Planet documentaries about the roaches in...

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

Sir,” returned Mrs. Sparsit, ” I cannot say that i have heard him precisely snore, and therefore must not make that statement. But on winter evenings, when he has fallen asleep at his table, I...

And I think I’m underappreciated.

The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.” Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I...

And I sort of felt her…you know.” Alan made an exaggerated shape of a heart. “You touched her heart?” Mike queried. “No! Her bum. It’s sort of, you know, heart shaped. Big heart.”He flexed his...

I answered that I was sure, and he asked me again, and this time I understood his concern. ‘I’m not embarrassed!’ I said, or at least tried to say, before recalling that embarazada means something...

Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla’s on the loose! Get up!

I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. – Calvin

And it’s really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!

I don’t want to talk, either,” that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her.

A good many times I have been present at gatherings of people who, by the standards of the traditional culture, are thought highly educated and who have with considerable gusto been expressing their incredulity at...

Is Walt turning over in his grave? A man named Joe Roth runs Disney right now-he gave me the go-ahead and total freedom to do whatever I wanted to do.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

I don’t always prepare such rich meals. Sometimes I’ll just serve a simple quiche, salad and dessert for dinner. During the week I try to eat lightly.

All men are equal before fish.

This situation was a heart attack waiting to happen. He just knew it. The stress of the job, now this. Yep, he was going to keel over. He could see the writing on his tombstone...

There’s no way that you’re real,” she murmured to his crotch.

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?” And Grandpa Nate answered, “Why don’t you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over...

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you’ll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink.

Ready?” Aeron called over.Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand.”How about we start with a...

Sikujui. Lakini naamini hungependa kuishi maisha yako hapa duniani bila kuacha urithi au kumbukumbu ya aina yoyote katika jamii.

You sure are a sweet girl, Scout. I’m half tempted to keep you.””Ummm… Thanks?” Knowing she was a potential Alpha I worried about what “keeping me” might entail. Probably chains. And whips. And maybe a...

I am who I say I am,I’m not some fantasyof how you think you think you knowor who I ought to be.I am a girl who is growing up in my own sweet time,I am...

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

No, you clearly weren’t because my name isn’t ‘babe’. I bet you don’t even know my name. So, no, you cannot sit here, Nero.

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease...

Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent.” Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. “You should have resisted. That’s like blaming someone who was...

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Agreed,” I say. “It’s going to be a long hour.””Maybe not that long,” says Peeta.” what was that you were saying just before the food arrived? Something about me … no competition … best thing...

She’s cute, I thought, but you don’t need to like a girl who treats you like you’re ten: You’ve already got a mom.

Well… you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy...

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

I used to dress up and impersonate our next-door neighbor, Miss Cox. She wore rubber boots, a wool hat, and her nose always dripped.

Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard…

I’d like to sit down with him and pick his brain, just a tiny bite somewhere in the frontal lobe to get a taste of his thoughts” -Warm Bodies

I got an ‘A’ in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world…