A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

I’ve knitted myself a hat, it’s plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it’s spring. I put it on and feel like a...

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

You know how when someone is tall, people will compare them to a string bean? She, my friend, was like asparagus, but without the subsequent odor.

Do not complain about two things; your job and your position, because you can always change them.

A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn.

I don’t know if it’s a woman’s tone of voice or training. Maybe guys are like, When I go home, I have to hear it. Right now I’m at work.

Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?”Bob’s eyes darted nervously. “I’d . . . prefer not to. I’d really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And...

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

Six minutes is a boiled egg.

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

You look good as a Pirate.” Erin”Ahoy, matey,” he said, laying her back against the grass. “Me cap’n’s ship needs a port.” V’ Aidan”Me cap’n’s port needs a ship.” Erin

SWAT? For me?” Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose.”Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo,” said Harry, speed-reading...

A brick could be used as a device to deliver bad news. Sometimes it’s better to be blunt.

All right I think we’ve been down here in the dark long enough. There’s a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand Constant Reader and I’ll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine....

Furthermore–though it was quite irrelevant now–he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori’s home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to...

The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.

He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing. Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who...

And they certainly wouldn’t take you along to a murder. That would be irresponsible parenting.

A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick.

Ignorance is not linear, it’s exponential.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: “Marshawn Lynch” Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can’t be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a...

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?

Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Valentine’s Day” Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Wow, we’re identical!

When he isn’t there, it’s funny, the guys have learned a lot from Edgar. I’ll ask a guy to tell him something and they will, they’ll use a sign and do it.

Hatsuharu Sohma: [after tripping Kyo] If I hadn’t had tripped you, you wouldn’t have stopped now would you.[addressing the audience]Hatsuharu Sohma: By the way what I just did was very dangerous. And if it had...

Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens.

She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I’m confident I can trick her into it.

Fuck You!’ [Oskar said] ‘Exuse me!’ [His mom said] ‘Sorry. I mean, screw you.’ ‘You need a time-out!’ ‘I need a mausoleum!

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

Just so you know,’ I explained, remembering my own earlier arrogance, ‘if you’ve ever owned a cat and therefore think you know how to handle a puma, you don’t. It would be like playing with...

He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport.

A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the...

Every man dies. Not every man lives.

And,” added Mikey. “she’s my sister.”The others looked at him for a moment, and broke out laughing.”Yeah, yeah,” Squirrel scoffed, “and the McGill is my cousin.”Now Allie burst out laughing, which made Mikey more annoyed.”If...

Because we like to blow stuff up,blow stuff up, blow stuff up!

If you find yourself in a movie that you have questions about, it’s not a compromise to your integrity.

I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms,...

No one here is allowed to die without my permission.

Food was a constant topic of conversation in our household.

You have been around since scaly things crawled out of the muck, would it have killed you to read a book?

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

When I said I didn’t have a cent, I didn’t. I used to get annoyed with people who said they were broke when they had five dollars.

I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder

We’re in a psuedoscientific technobabble.

I personally believe we were put her to build and not to destroy.