To be ‘decimated’ means to lose a tenth of one’s population. I’ve lived in places where that’s just a busy Saturday night.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

Aging is about mind over matter – every year my matter drops another quarter inch below my mind.

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie.

If you can’t be with the √-1 you love, love the √-1 you’re with.

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

Some case officers drink to spy better. The best case officers spy to drink better.

I haven’t eaten all day.” You see, Jefferson truly reflected early America at that time. He was hungry, and I think you’ll find that most successful people are.

Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today” today. Prepare today and then tell them tomorrow.

Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French.

You are the night.””I am the night,” I repeated.”You are the night.”I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. “I am the night?””Jane!””Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like...

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working.

I’m not sure what ‘batting an eye’ means, but it sounds like it could be pretty fun.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

I have been stabbed, poisoned, shot, beaten, possibly raped, subjected to hypothermia, and drowned, but still I dress up as Rasputin every Halloween for the Orthodox orgy.

I’m not growing old for free. I’m charging myself with the task of becoming someone better every day. And by better I mean younger.

As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.

I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

If you look up to see a shooting star, you might miss the silver dollar on the sidewalk. But no matter where you look, or where you travel, you’ll never get lost or arrive late...

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

I don’t know what weapons will be used in world war three, but in world war four people will use sticks and stones.

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

If a weakly mortal is to do anything in the world besides eat the bread thereof, there must be a determined subordination of the whole nature to the one aim no trifling with time, which...

I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her...

Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here...

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.

I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That’s, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone’s ever said.””I’m willing to believe it’s the least flirtatious thing you’ve ever said.””Why are you...

Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.

To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to...

Yes, that is the official term.

Kissimmee has the best name, other than Hugsburg and Fornicatesville.

His heart beat so rapidly it might burst; he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe.

Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things.

They also have a sense of irony, which America doesn’t have seeing as it’s being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

I like to bunch words together to form new words, like “off” and “ice” to form “office.” But I have no idea what an office is, because I avoid work like the plague. Is office...

Jace said that the cast of Gilligan’s Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

My love is in the shape of a car, and when it hits you you’ll notice.

He bursts into tears, and not some manlike tears either, where you pretend you’re brushing something off your face and, incidentally, wipe a tear. Nope. He starts bawling like a kid who spilled his Slushie…