Zeb was kindergarten teacher–a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.

Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero, and it looks great hidden behind a mask.

Food!” It was terrifying, man.

I didn’t come from a broken home – more like deliberately imploded.

I believe there are three tenants to live by in this apartment called Life: Love is empowering, Fear is motivating, and Passion is fruit.

Let us go forth and unconquer the world!

Love? Love is for children and poor people…

Don’t be afraid to be afraid. Have fear, and then conquer the shit out of it.

If you feel like there’s something out there that you’re supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.

I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time.

A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero gravity environment.

I am your Prince and you will marry me,” Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, “I am your servant and I refuse.””I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.””I am your loyal servant and I just did.””Refusal means...

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

But as an escort it’s our duty to hold their attention and play with their heads. The one between their ears and the one in their pants.

I’m so paranoid that everyone starts to look like everyone. I convince myself I’m a con named Vince. My lips are thin and tight, but my tongue is broad and loose. I’m taking my secrets...

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.

Little bit,” she said.

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

Growing up, I used to practice Invisibility Technique Number Twelve, which I took from the Book of Orafoura. IT#12 simply states: Act like a tree and hope your opponent can’t see the trees for the...

I think it’s interesting.

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

There are several theories on sex and all of them are lies.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined.

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.

I don’t view myself as a political leftie. I view myself as a storyteller who is fair to both sides.

Take a picture ladies, it lasts longer.” he mutters

The important thing to remember is that bugs don’t actually talk.

There’s the theory that nudity doesn’t really make something sexy; the characters and their relationship make it sexy.

I mean, I’ve sold all these scripts and nothing’s been made. Studios have closed, stars have died. I had a director find Jesus. And the pictures just don’t get made.

Oh please,” Scout said.”Don’t take that tone with me. You know you’d love to have a minion. Someone at your beck and call. Someone to do your bidding. How many times have you said to...

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

Heat radiated off Henry’s face. Salty snot ran down his upper lip. A majestic fart propelled him to the top of Section 12, just at the springing of the stadium’s curve. He slapped the sign...

To get faster and better service, ring a bell. It’s the same principal as honking at someone in traffic. People respond well to it, and they seem to really enjoy it.

I don’t do rectal, and I won’t use anything that involves an ass.

To the issues of friendship, love, business and war, “surprise” is the optimistic solution.

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he’ll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee.”That was code. It...

Dad says there are more than three thousand letters in the Japanese alphabet, which could pose a problem. There are only twenty-six letters in the English alphabet, and I get into enough trouble with them...

I don’t beg for those things which can be earned.

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?

This is where you all live?” Asked John as they ascended the stairs. “It’s small.””This is just our Thanksgiving house,” Scott muttered. “We have a house for every day of the year.