If you were smart,” Genghis said, “you would have borrowed the silverware of one of your friends.””We never thought of that,” Klaus said. When one is forced to tell atrocious lies, one often feels a...

You blew up half the town.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you’re having a churro.

Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it there in a hundred?

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.

The neck in front of her came up. The head swivelled 180 degrees and the horse looked at Kin with bright insectile eyes.’YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND,’ it said inside Kin’s head.’Hell!”THOSE ARE NOT MEANINGFUL...

Treat me like a king and I’ll treat you like a queen……….Treat me like a queen and off with your head

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!” Michael Keaton character in “Mr. Mom

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Torn clothes are funny … until your dad gets fired.

Laughter is the best medicine

Yo Mama’s like mustard, she spreads easy.

Play and be happy.

I don’t think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

I haven’t stopped looking for the good in people. I’ve just accepted the fact that I’m not always going to find it.

Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.”-Janco and Ari bickering

110, 111 whatever it takes!”Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

Lucien had never prayed before, never imagined that there might be a deity listening who would be interested in what he had to say, so his supplication skills were a tad rusty.But now Lucien prayed.Please...

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

Humour sustains us during failure; more so after success, when we’re prone to fail that much more, daring abyss, pumped up with success.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

Soul, love, joy and natural beauty shines first from within. Make time for quiet reflective moments. Be still and know there is more than just Botox and pink martinis for women over 40.

Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Life before toilet paper was not worth living.

I’m fascinated by idiots… Here’s looking at you, kid!

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

You want to break the curse, I want to break the curse. We don’t need to be nice. We need to be effective. Just help me figure it out, and I’ll make you a rich...

Would you like to see it?

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

The look in his eyes turned a little wild. “That’s the only reason I’m letting you go. If I had any choice–“”You do,” she said “Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or...

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear… from my future Kids’ Funny Business.

Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams Week” Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month “leave” I wonder if he will be “Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m...

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can’t buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don’t have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth — pointless and extremely painful.”–David Palmer

I made a tactical error tonight with Wyatt.” She paused “Horizontally.” Sara laughed. “Again?

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Wisdom of the Ages “Unsuccessful Town Slogans” Sequim (WA)- “We put the Dung in Dungeness.

sees something shiny and we lose her again.

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!