All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

The look in his eyes turned a little wild. “That’s the only reason I’m letting you go. If I had any choice–“”You do,” she said “Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or...

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear… from my future Kids’ Funny Business.

Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams Week” Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month “leave” I wonder if he will be “Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m...

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can’t buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don’t have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth — pointless and extremely painful.”–David Palmer

I made a tactical error tonight with Wyatt.” She paused “Horizontally.” Sara laughed. “Again?

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Wisdom of the Ages “Unsuccessful Town Slogans” Sequim (WA)- “We put the Dung in Dungeness.

sees something shiny and we lose her again.

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Valentine’s day without your love is like a year without the Internet.

I don’t want to dig him or his sexy self. But I keep losing my clothes when I’m with him.

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

I’m good at blowjob.

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are...

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

You’re just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don’t think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at...

To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” – Owen

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

Trust me, I would never dream of insulting your butt. I’m sure it’s better than anything I’m cooking out here.

Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, “my dear leetle mongoose.” I wish he’d turn back into a frog and hop away.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don’t. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don’t!

We can beat our swords into plowshares, and we can beat our plowshares into swords, but as far as computers go, a hammer can only change the shape of the junk, not it’s function.

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Really, Mom? That’s your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens?

Look,” I whisper to Cat, “Shooting star! That’s good luck.”She rolls her eyes. “It’s a plane, you idiot,” she says, and when I look again I can see that she’s right. Typical.

Sorry, no professionals.

…and there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their spears, and with force of themselves they smote Sir Lancelot’s horse...

If you were smart,” Genghis said, “you would have borrowed the silverware of one of your friends.””We never thought of that,” Klaus said. When one is forced to tell atrocious lies, one often feels a...

You blew up half the town.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you’re having a churro.

Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it there in a hundred?

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.

The neck in front of her came up. The head swivelled 180 degrees and the horse looked at Kin with bright insectile eyes.’YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND,’ it said inside Kin’s head.’Hell!”THOSE ARE NOT MEANINGFUL...

Treat me like a king and I’ll treat you like a queen……….Treat me like a queen and off with your head

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!” Michael Keaton character in “Mr. Mom

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Torn clothes are funny … until your dad gets fired.

Laughter is the best medicine