I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.

I won’t say that you’re pretty because that dog already did. And I won’t say you’re funny because you have had me laughing since I met you.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.

It means the third rail has seven hundred volts of direct current running through it. Touch it and you’re human popcorn

I also don’t trust Caribou anymore. They’re out there, on the tundra, waiting… Something’s going down. I’m right about this.

She had put on make-up in a colour scheme that indicated she might be colourblind.

My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket.

YOU SMELL OF BRIMSTONE AND BUTTHOLE! BEGONE, FOUL CREATURE!

Europe is weird songs that would never make it in America.

A brick could be used to show how patient you are. Somewhere between one brick and a million bricks lies a home. For me, my home is one brick, and I carry it with me...

Jared was completely gone now, holding his stomach and laughing so hard that tears were running down his face. Matt turned on him and snapped, “It’s not funny,” which only made Jared laugh harder.”Any of...

Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.

I’ve got you covered. Just don’t hog all the blanket.

When she walked by the two officers, they didn’t recognize her. “Have you seen the luscious bonbon with the golden braids?” She grinned up at them with such impish mischief that they almost forgot their...

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night.

I came into the room, which was half dark, and presently spotted Lord Kelvin in the audience and realised that I was in for trouble at the last part of my speech dealing with the...

The funny thing is, as a young person I was trying to write prose, and I wrote a lot of it, but I was never satisfied with the results. Two of the novels I wound...

You know it feels good. I can hardly geta…I don’t even…”There was something amusing about watching him trying to form a coherent sen-tence. Amusing, but arousing at the sametime.

And honestly, given the choice of facing my mother or a vampire, I think I’d always choose the latter.

A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you’re an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you’re probably under a restraining order.

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

It was because a great-looking man with no apparent mental defects found her attractive. Imagine feeling so buoyant over something so juvenile.

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,’ Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he’d beaten down the riverman to a decent price for...

I can’t read your mind, you idiot.

We’re dying of boredom, Corporal, that’s the problem.’ [Blend] ‘If boredom was fatal there wouldn’t be a soldier alive on this whole world, Blend.’ [Picker]

I play basketball on Sundays and I’m a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

June cackled with delight, muttering, “Whoops!” as a car almost killed them.

I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.

A true friend doesn’t have guts; they beat you up and later plead with you to beat them back.

Lettuce mustard our strength, celery-brate and have bun while I scream, relish the day!

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable...

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.

I’m really funny now.

I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet.

Honestly, I feel like I am a leading man, and it’s just going to take the right project, the female and the right studio. It’s got to all gel together, you know what I mean?

So what’s it to be, Bear?”Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh.”By golly, I’ll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a...

I love ghosts; I prefer ghosts to some people.

What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning– and a child’s more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn’t deny that, even...

Inconceivable!””You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.

If you’re a struggling artist having money problems just superglue a brick in the middle of a blanket, and call it art. Someone will buy it.

Yeah, you bet Romani.’ Percy bared his forearm and showed them the brand he’d got at Camp Jupiter- the SPQR mark, with the trident of Neptune. ‘You mix Greek and Roman, and you know what...

I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

We conquer the Independence Day aliens by having a Macintosh laptop computer upload a software virus to the mothership (which happens to be one-fifth the mass of the Moon), thus disarming its protective force field....

I have started a new blog W.A.R.(Writers Amongst Readers) for all those writing or reading books. Quotes, excerpts, comments from the world’s greatest writers. See robinhawdonblog

It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.