Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move the chair.

Never dance in a puddle when there’s a hole in your shoe (it’s always best to take your shoes off first).

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn’t try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, “You may regret this,” would have been fine.

And you’d think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn’t. It just- it just makes them dead.

A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore,...

You tell your brother he’s gonna pay for that car in silver.

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

The art of sensuality encompassing the exploration and experiencing of all our senses… Those images are being born from and through living the moments of eating favorite chocolate cake with ice-cream, tranquil meditating, walking the...

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world.

A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, “If looks could kill.

Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make her stupid enough to believe his lies by getting her into bed, he’d...

Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,’ he said unsteadily and flopped over the side-rail.

Or maybe I, like, cuddle raped him or something.

I think I look great in green, and I’m going to start wearing more green.

Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

How come I have too many things to do all the time…??

You’re asking the cyborg fugitive and the wild animal to be the welcoming committee? That’s adorable.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in...

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as...

They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.

I can remember when I was a baby and my mother was there watching the show. I went and bought 100 episodes and watched them. I respect it so much that the sitcom itself and...

I told her I’d wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who’d give me a ride home.

All my memories seem to happen to music. Memories of my mother and father; waking up early on Christmas morning; the little apartment we lived in above the disco.

You,” he purred, “are a HILF.””A what?””A Horseman I’d like to fuck.

Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

WINE!Because these problems aren’t going to forget THEMSELVES!

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better.

Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.

A milli-Helen is enough beauty to launch exactly one ship

To be clear, I don’t care.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I’ve discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, “I want to love, I want to live…

You’d be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

Bazıları için aşkın tanımı buydu. Derslerde en arkaya otururlar. Yaz günü 40 derece sıcakta giydikleri blazer ceketleri ve ucuz popülerliğin son moda pop şarkılarını bangırdattıkları, sanayiden 100 Lira’ya temin edilmiş çakma ses sistemleriyle donatılmış, viteslerine...

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

That kiss you gave me was the hottest kiss i’ve ever had. I pulled away because i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from ripping off your clothes. And that didn’t seem...

Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?

How are we going to get out of here?””Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.””Do we have the right plan?””Not yet.””Do we have any plan?””Not yet.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after Will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt...

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

An idea hit me so fast I didn’t pause to analyse it. I just acted. My body might be constrained, but my head and neck had just enough freedom to shift up-and kiss him.My lips...

I didn’t want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.

I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe...

Maybe.

The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it’s too late to save her. “I’ve noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear.” She’s been...

This isn’t the first time I’ve used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.””Who was the test subject?” asked Aurora.”I test everything out on myself before taking it into the...

I do miss Saturday Night Live, that’s for sure. There’s nothing like it. I just hosted, and I felt I’d only been away for a week.

I know because I read. Might I suggest you try it?

For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.