A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

That kiss you gave me was the hottest kiss i’ve ever had. I pulled away because i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from ripping off your clothes. And that didn’t seem...

You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I...

We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

An idea hit me so fast I didn’t pause to analyse it. I just acted. My body might be constrained, but my head and neck had just enough freedom to shift up-and kiss him.My lips...

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and...

Maybe.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?” said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. “It’s people they feel sorry for....

I do miss Saturday Night Live, that’s for sure. There’s nothing like it. I just hosted, and I felt I’d only been away for a week.

No headboards were broken.

I promise you that I don’t want to be pegged, Isa.

Brother Wolf gave Anna an amused look and then went back to being scary.

Things Isabella Wouldn’t Care About: – Titanic sinking again. – Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world’s most innocent panda. – Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

Elizabeth.”I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it’s a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she’s telling me what it is. I...

Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.

A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or you might not get the attention you deserve.

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers… only they don’t critique me and then get up for coffee.

I was momentarily stunned by his odd announcement and told him as much. “Let’s just talk about the fact that you composed a sonnet to my vagina, shall we? You are sending off some major...

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

How could I not fall in love with him,” she asked. And on the tail end of her words, her bedroom door flew open and closed just as fast.Jen bent over, panting heavily as she...

You. Me. Exorcist.-Bones

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too....

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other’s clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz.

Let’s play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie.

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

Normally ghosts didn’t scare him. (Assuming, of course, Gaea hadn’t encased them in shells of stone and turned them into killing machines. That had been a new one for him.)

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.

If you’re passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

He said “cool” like I say a Spanish word when I’m not sure of the pronunciation.

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

Guess we’re going north,” Dev said slowly.”Everyone, follow Lassie.Timmy’s in the well.

This was so unfunny, Steve had to laugh.

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.

I’m beginning to think my name has been changed to ‘Damn it’ or ‘Asshole'” Styxx

Wisdom of the Ages: “Theaters” I think it is horribly unfair that children and old people get discounts, but blind people have to pay full price.

A blanket could be used to create another way. There is no other way but to make another way. We simply must!

Oh, doctor. I think I’m sick I need some penis-cilin.” I fake cough again into my hand.