When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

What a nice night for an evening.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, ‘Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.’ I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live,...

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I’m writing a book. I’m almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me arefurious!

f”?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

monosyllabic”?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on theroad an hour.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.