It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I’m writing a book. I’m almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me arefurious!

f”?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

monosyllabic”?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on theroad an hour.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She...

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

What a nice night for an evening.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?