The truth can never hurt a just cause. The cause’s security team will intercept the truth long before it gets close enough to pose a threat.

A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society.

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn...

Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you’re going to think about me naked, do it on your own time.” […]”This is my time, Hathaway. I’m leading today’s session.” “Oh yeah?” I retorted....

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes...

Awesome ends with me; but Ugly starts with u…

I sleep with an astronaut’s helmet on my head, just in case I get into a high-speed crash with space during the middle of the night.

Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert.

Which is your bad shoulder?”His brows knit together. “The left,” he said carefully.She slugged him in the right.He staggered. Steadied himself. Grinned. “Is that like some weird Wyoming mating ritual thing I should know about?””Damn...

Shooting this one was kind of like a two month party, we would literally play music between takes, and other movies that were shooting on our lot would play hookey, come over and hang out...

A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.

I am a bowling alley celebrity. Women throw themselves at me. Sometimes other women (larger women) throw other women (smaller women) at me.

He looked up at her and smiled crookedly, holding out a few sheets of paper. “Will you read this? i think maybe it sucks. or maybe it’s awesome. it’s probably awesome. Tell me it’s awesome,okay?...

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

I really think I’d be better at, like, advanced napping techniques.

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or...

The best part about falling in love with a slab of meatloaf is now I get to use my ketchup-dispensing backpack when making love.

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

This is my building—and my office has the best possible view.”

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto...

Nice costume,” he said. “Ditto. I can tell you put a lot of thought into yours.”Amusement curled his mouth. “If you don’t like it, I can take it off.

How about ‘c) All of the above’?” asked a third voice from behind the partition at the far corner of the studio.

Chalk again?” Cal seemed almost disappointed. “Too bad there’s no chalk monster.”Penn snorted with amusement. Chalk monster. That was like saying it was a vampire. Everyone knew vampires didn’t exist. Zombies who drank blood to...

I mean, when I started out I was billing per hour, like a shrink because you would sit with somebody and work. But most of it, if it’s for a live show it’s usually a...

That’s sad, Finch. You should get out more,” I said, stopping at the cafeteria entrance.

I am fluent in pussy, but I have no idea what this fucking means, Georgia.

When he who hears does not know what he who speaks means, and when he who speaks does not know what he himself means, that is philosophy

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it’s so forced.

You cannot negotiate art.

We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be “empathetic,” not blind.

Usually, there’s nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

But he is an Italian,” was Umberto’s sensible reply. “He doesn’t care if you break some law a little bit, as long as you wear beautiful shoes. Are you wearing beautiful shoes? Are you wearing...

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don’t want to be friends. – Raven from Blood of Prey

They can’t expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, ‘I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.’ What does that even mean?

Permission to shoot the fucker in the face when it comes over the rim?

Funny thing- Morgenstern’s folk’s were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.

I’m not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

Shut. Up,” June squealed. “You have a date with that guy?” She giggled and covered her mouth. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.””I can’t do both,” I pointed out.

It’s time.” His mother, my wife, was resigned to the fact that it was time for Junior to leave the nest. She sat on a stool at the granite kitchen counter, spiked coffee beside her,...