I’ve done tangos with men who thought my ass was a squeaky toy.

Stop begging the question – get a job and earn the question like everyone else.

What did I know of love then? What do I know of love now? I went from mustard to ketchup, but I’m still leading with my hotdog.

You ‘accidentally’ touched his bottom? Didn’t that happen when you last saw him aswell? Surprising how often that seems to be a problem.

I’m willing to forgive and forget, but damned if I’ll be forgiven and forgotten.

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who’s at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

Not knowing is more than half the battle. – National Clandestine Service motto

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

I’d rather have rabies than be in love.””Why?””Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.

Either every robot can dance the robot, or no robot can.

I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir.

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.””The plant war,” Percy said. “You’re going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?

Anybody I can hold a candle to, I drip hot wax on.

I told her I’d rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

Live fast, die young – which is it going to be???

Love is two souls occupying one bed. Though not a bunk bed.

And then also I think it’s harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

I love you.” Of course, straight to the point was also an effective strategy.

What are you doing thinking? Get back to work.

Men don’t hear women.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

If history teaches us anything, it’s that governments are always right, and they always do what’s in the best interest of the people, even at the expense of their own political agenda. In every situation,...

Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back.

Why not? If you’re not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.””You’re a twisted little man.””Come on, Stretch, share with the class.””No!” I laughed.”Prude.””Perv.””Schoolmarm.””Some other word that essentially means...

We were young(ish) when we first fell in love. I was however old I am now minus the number of years it has been since that first day.

Men can beat each other to a pulp and still walk away friends. With a woman, once an enemy, always an enemy. Women will sit like a spider, for years, waiting for the chance to...

What was that?” Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn’t escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.

Happy Birthday.”

WHAT A CONCUBINE SHOULD NEVER SAY:In your case, ED is not a man’s name.

I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven,...

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.

I like doing films and I wish that I could do more but I still have to audition. I don’t get offered starring roles in movies even though I’ve written and starred in a movie.

A stack of graham crackers represents me as a person: am I a cookie or a cracker? Neither. Both. I’m a crackie.

This is the biggest damn IPod I’ve ever seen,” Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. “Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before.

Woman, I could drown in your love, but I’d much rather be strangled. More passionate, don’t you agree?

Lou, honey, I’ll buy you a new pair of shoes if you’ll stop flashing your panties at everyone sitting across the room from us. You are wearing panties, right?”I glance up and across at Stefan....

The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.

I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.

I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.

Lilli . . . Lilli . . . Lilli.”Sweet Jesus, she was going to kill him. She’d just gotten to sleep. Now he was running a finger up and down her spine, saying her name...

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I’m proving her wrong. I’m going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made rigid, like the laws regarding the speed limit, as interpreted by the cop...

I started getting on my feet and clowning around, and they ended up putting me in a play when I was 12. And I was hooked.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.

An educated theologian: someone who’s better at rationalizing what they’re pretending to know.

It’s funny how a hello is always accompanied with a goodbye. It’s funny how good memories can make you cry, it’s funny how forever never seems to last, it’s funny how much you would lose...