How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I’d seen. Then I’d lived...

Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular...

Otter! Otter! Otter!Don’t lead cows to slaughter!I love you, and I knowI should’ve told you soon-aBut you didn’t buy the dolphin-safe tuna!

Less is more, but only marginally.

Gay sex, one. Straight sex, zero

Here, by the grace of God and an inside straight, we have a personality untouched by the psychotic taboos of our tribe – and you want to turn him into a carbon copy of every...

Dorothy Parker said “Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

A mirror is like my own personal reality TV show—where I’m both the star and only viewer. I’ve got to get my ratings up.

Never follow the crowd….Until and unless you’re crossing the road…

The Amish purposely wear drab clothing to discourage lust. If they want to prevent lust, why don’t Amish people just walk around naked?

Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work.

Here,” Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. “Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone.” He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the...

SpookSpeak. Douche diligence n. (CIA) Investigation and assessment performed prior to recommending a potential intelligence asset for recruitment.

I’m not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

They came out in a dim, damp basement – a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. ‘You take me to the nicest places,’ Claire said, and sneezed.

Le 99%, c’est moi.

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

Don’t fucking quote me!

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You’re a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

I have absolutely no idea, Melinda,” he said, grinning.

If the criteria was whether it demanded a cash bribe, what data wouldn’t be considered corrupted?

I recently heard of a group called The Lipsticks who only sing Kiss hits, which reminds me of something weird I saw yesterday. I saw Elvis. And he was impersonating me.

Though I normally approve of plain speaking, as you know, I would suggest that as part of your good behavior, you refer to the king as ‘his grace’ or even simply ‘the king’ instead of...

Don’t hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.

I think the enemy is self-censorship. In a free society the biggest danger is that you’re afraid to the point where you censor yourself.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

Their faces were clay-coloured and featureless, yet not stupid; they might have been shrewd turnips.

If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.

My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business.

Blue love on a blue moon on Mr. Green’s greenback printing machine (the one that sounds like Weimar Germany in 1923)”, then I have given you an example of a non sequitur. But since you...

God’s children and their happiness are my reasons for being.

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

Lucas: I wanted to talk to you after class, but you disappeared.Me: I have another class right after. One of those profs who stops talking, stares at you and waits until you get to your...

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.

He thinks things through too much.

My favorite time of the day is 3:33 pm, though I rarely see it because it’s a little too early to be getting up for the day.

Whatcha do to Ricky Ricardo? Found him talking real fast in Spanish.” “Nothing.” She looked at Tony. “He’s just moody, and the moodier he gets, the less you can understand him.

Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when...

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.” Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. “Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.

Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like its funny

Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a big House of Emptiness.

As you get older, you realize it’s work. It’s that fine line between love and companionship. But passionate love? I’d love to know how to make that last.