I’ve always felt that Mimi was a doubly selfish name. It’s all about me, not you, Mimi.

I don’t want to freeze my eggs. I don’t want to visit a sperm bank. I don’t want to be a single parent, if I have any choice in the matter. I want a nuclear...

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

It was safe to assume he’d not only read the play but then re-read it, cross-referenced the annotations, and probably joined an online chat group called Buds of the Bard or something equally nerdy

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life.

Buzz, buzz, Ellie Bee.

Love is, or you isn’t.

I certainly hadn’t expected to walk away from today’s trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.

What’s said in silence is best viewed in darkness. I learned that while reading a bowl of Alphabet Soup.

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was...

There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.

Normal? I’m not normal enough for you?” Carlos says. “You want this guy instead? Did you notice his hair doesn’t move? That’s not normal. You want to date him again, go ahead. Hell, if you...

A brick could be used as a brick. Clever, right?

cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin’ in your house, I’d kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.

North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.

For the most part, each day listed a different rendition of “Justin ate well” and “Justin took a great nap”. Every now and then they noted Justin doing unusual things, like biting. I was embarrassed...

I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.

A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow.

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or, or, or, I could go on for Orafoura.

You should have seen the costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their srteet ho’s; CEOs and their office ho’s; GI Joes and their combat ho’s; Gardeners and their garden hose;Firemen and their...

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

Behold the Power of the peanut. His body mass may be small, but his influence is mighty. The last holdout in the Tower has officially fallen to him. (Said by Pia about the effect her...

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

Spanish—how shall I say this?—is likePortuguese spoken with a speech impediment.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled.

No, this trick wont work…How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers.” She slapped my back. “Welcome to high school.

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!

Wait a minute, hold on… The dude dies, and the girl cries so hard that she gets turned into a fountain?

Yesterday I donated blood. It wasn’t my blood—I found it in a discarded tampon.

Cooking without wine is like sex alone. You may get the job done, but you don’t really care once it’s over.

You’re right, my problems are the biggest problems ever,” George said. “No, honestly, it’s horrible to be me. I’m rich, talented, and I make girls cry.””How do you make girls cry, exactly?”George turned to her....

Like…um, the Little Mermaid?

Its Batteries! I just know it!

I had a dream about you. The king decreed we could only speak one word, and that word would be assigned to us. Your word was hello, and my word was goodbye. You made me...

Boy, you knock on the devil’s door and he will head slam you through the wall.

Money, Gun and Lie can solve almost all the problems.

WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God’s gift to Women – Griffin

I snuck a look to see how Eric was taking this, and he was staring at me the same way the Monroe vampires had. Thoughtful. Hungry.”That’s interesting,” he said. “I had a psychic once. It...

I love the sound of it,” Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. “It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your...

So while I drove my little and planned his fantasy night of how I was going to give Otter the key to my soul (his words, not mine), I silently panicked and wrote lines of...

Love is as we will it to be.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey