A woman needs a man like a tortoise needs a crah helmet.

Alan Grant: “There are… far too many words written. Millions and millions of them pouring from the presses every minute. It’s a horrible thought.” The Midget (his nurse): “You sound constipated.

Everybody’s always doing the same old things— you know, doing unto others before they can do unto you.

You raise them half-decent, and they grow up and leave. They move to Miami or California– someplace with gourmet groceries and nude beaches because you’ve reared them to cook good and be liberal minded. It’s...

Why?’ He asked.’Why what?’ What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I’d like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don’t tell.

I read the title from the cover. ‘ ‘The joy of… crap.’ ‘ I read the rest of the full title of the thick, nondescript volume to myself and felt myself redden.Noah turned over on...

The King had advertised the old magic tea set, but for some reason, no one wanted sugar teeth that could gouge their eyes out.

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?”I’ve already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?”Elvish.

It is not a Christmas tree!” said the King, so firmly that all the girls stopped jumping about. “This is a house of mourning. It is nothing more than a tree. I thought it would...

You aren’t allowed back until you’ve learned to willingly suspend disbelief.

We all look back at some time or other and wonder why we didn’t listen to our instincts. Why did we hestiate? Why did we lose our dreams?

Ish #21 “Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It’s still meat!

Rich old people are more attractive than poor old people, so by all means, try to get rich before age sets in. Otherwise, you’ll just be playing catch-up for the rest of your life and...

Sexually active? Sexually active? Patrick and I hadn’t even learned the fine points of kissing yet!I marched on down. ‘For your information,’ I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention,...

scary mommy confession #80920″ I invited you into my home as a guest. And you brought my two year old permanent markers and play-doh. next time I visit you, I’m bringing your teenage daughter condoms...

I sure wasn’t going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she’d probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer...