An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers
positivity is the father of reinvention
I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!
Death is life’s way of telling you, you’ve been recalled
Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth
If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse
If positivity is not your mindset, then reset
Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of
Do the thing you fear, and the death of your underwear is certain
Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast
When people try to rain on your parade,…pee on theirs
To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it
Women, can’t live with them, can’t murder/suicide without them
It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light
I like my coffee like I like myself….making rustling noises inside a burlap bag
Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff
Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner
Manners without sincerity, is called polite society
I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I’m such a pyromaniac
Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season
In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?
The only threesome I’ve ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1
When she says ‘I’ve never done this before” she just means with you
I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free
If America runs on Dunkin’, do I detect a slight limp?
Don’t ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity
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