An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers

positivity is the father of reinvention

I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!

Death is life’s way of telling you, you’ve been recalled

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts in your mouth

If positivity is not your mindset, then reset

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of

I have a keen sense of the oblivious

the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner

Y’know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It’s not as easy as it looks…”

When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

Treat me like a king and I’ll treat you like a queen……….Treat me like a queen and off with your head

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

Do the thing you fear, and the death of your underwear is certain

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast

When people try to rain on your parade,…pee on theirs

Dr. Suess said: ‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened..’ I tell my dates: ‘Don’t cry because it happened, smile because it’s over

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

Women, can’t live with them, can’t murder/suicide without them

It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light

I like my coffee like I like myself….making rustling noises inside a burlap bag

I’ve always been a poor sport and a sore loser…any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance

Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff

If you got caught with your pants down. I suppose the first question to ask is, what were you doing in a fishing net

Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard

True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

Never send a Man in to do a Donkey’s job

I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I’m such a pyromaniac

Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what

Never love anybody who treats you like you’re normal…they’re just the psychiatric hospital staff

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?

The only threesome I’ve ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1

You’ll never know what psychopathic heights you’re capable of, just lying there on the sofa

When she says ‘I’ve never done this before” she just means with you

Y’know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

If America runs on Dunkin’, do I detect a slight limp?

Don’t ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity