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Josh Stern  Quotes
Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings

—Josh Stern

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FeelingsFriendsLose
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You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdAlcoholComedy-Funny
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Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose…. and when you revel in victory, make like it’s a dirty win

—Josh Stern

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BrinksmanshipCrazyCrisis
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Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window

—Josh Stern

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Absurd-Humor-Women-ArousedComedy
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A watched pot never boils…. but it does develop paranoia

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdBoilsHumor
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I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

—Josh Stern

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Blind-DateCologneDogs
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It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCommunicationConversations
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Come Hell or High Water” usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCrazyFunny
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I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on

—Josh Stern

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EggshellsHumorHumor-Walking
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If life is a bowl of cherries, what’s inside of it?

—Josh Stern

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InspirationalInspirational-AttitudeInspirational-Life
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Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdHardHumor
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I’d die for your sins, but I’d probably enjoy them first

—Josh Stern

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DieEnjoyFunny
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If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdComedyDown
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Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials….I would love to’ pay no interest for 6 months

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCommercials-FurnitureDating
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Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

—Josh Stern

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BothBrilliantButrn
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Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCommunicationConversations
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Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCrazyFunny
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The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one

—Josh Stern

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FlairGeniusesIllusion
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An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdAlibiCarpet
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I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdHumorLying
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positivity is the father of reinvention

—Josh Stern

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Humor-InspirationalMindsetPositivity
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I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdComedyDisgusting
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Death is life’s way of telling you, you’ve been recalled

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdDeathLife
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Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

—Josh Stern

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BloodCornFunny
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The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdBrokenComedy
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Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCrazyFunny
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Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

—Josh Stern

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BehindBreathComedy-Absurd
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If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

—Josh Stern

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ForwardHumorPast
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Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts in your mouth

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdChocolateHumor
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If positivity is not your mindset, then reset

—Josh Stern

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Humor-InspirationalMindsetPositivity
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If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdFunnyHumor
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Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of

—Josh Stern

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BecomeCanvasComedy
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I have a keen sense of the oblivious

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdHumorKeen
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the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner

—Josh Stern

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DrinkingFiguringHumor
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Y’know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It’s not as easy as it looks…”

—Josh Stern

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FictionGuysHumor
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When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCrazyFunny
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Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

—Josh Stern

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BadDieGood
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If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdBinocular-BackwardsComedy
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Treat me like a king and I’ll treat you like a queen……….Treat me like a queen and off with your head

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdFunny-HumorHead
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There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

—Josh Stern

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HumorIngredientsLabel
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Do the thing you fear, and the death of your underwear is certain

—Josh Stern

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DeathFearHumor
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There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdAccidentComedy
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Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdAimDrive
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When people try to rain on your parade,…pee on theirs

—Josh Stern

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HumorParadePee
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Dr. Suess said: ‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened..’ I tell my dates: ‘Don’t cry because it happened, smile because it’s over

—Josh Stern

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CryCryingDr-Seuss
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To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdErrHuman
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Women, can’t live with them, can’t murder/suicide without them

—Josh Stern

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Can-T-LiveHumorMurder
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It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light

—Josh Stern

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AphorismsBlindDarkness
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I like my coffee like I like myself….making rustling noises inside a burlap bag

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdBagCoffee
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I’ve always been a poor sport and a sore loser…any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance

—Josh Stern

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BehaviorPoor-SportSore-Loser
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