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Josh Stern  Quotes
An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdAlibiCarpet
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I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdHumorLying
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positivity is the father of reinvention

—Josh Stern

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Humor-InspirationalMindsetPositivity
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I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdComedyDisgusting
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Death is life’s way of telling you, you’ve been recalled

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdDeathLife
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Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

—Josh Stern

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BloodCornFunny
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The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdBrokenComedy
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Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCrazyFunny
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Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

—Josh Stern

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BehindBreathComedy-Absurd
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If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

—Josh Stern

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ForwardHumorPast
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Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts in your mouth

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdChocolateHumor
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If positivity is not your mindset, then reset

—Josh Stern

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Humor-InspirationalMindsetPositivity
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If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdFunnyHumor
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Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of

—Josh Stern

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BecomeCanvasComedy
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I have a keen sense of the oblivious

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdHumorKeen
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the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner

—Josh Stern

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DrinkingFiguringHumor
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Y’know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It’s not as easy as it looks…”

—Josh Stern

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FictionGuysHumor
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When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCrazyFunny
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Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

—Josh Stern

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BadDieGood
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If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdBinocular-BackwardsComedy
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Treat me like a king and I’ll treat you like a queen……….Treat me like a queen and off with your head

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdFunny-HumorHead
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There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

—Josh Stern

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HumorIngredientsLabel
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Do the thing you fear, and the death of your underwear is certain

—Josh Stern

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DeathFearHumor
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There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdAccidentComedy
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Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdAimDrive
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When people try to rain on your parade,…pee on theirs

—Josh Stern

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HumorParadePee
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Dr. Suess said: ‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened..’ I tell my dates: ‘Don’t cry because it happened, smile because it’s over

—Josh Stern

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CryCryingDr-Seuss
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To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdErrHuman
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Women, can’t live with them, can’t murder/suicide without them

—Josh Stern

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Can-T-LiveHumorMurder
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It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light

—Josh Stern

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AphorismsBlindDarkness
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I like my coffee like I like myself….making rustling noises inside a burlap bag

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdBagCoffee
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I’ve always been a poor sport and a sore loser…any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance

—Josh Stern

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BehaviorPoor-SportSore-Loser
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Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff

—Josh Stern

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Abundance-CreationBelieveCosmic-Ordering
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If you got caught with your pants down. I suppose the first question to ask is, what were you doing in a fishing net

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdCaughtComedy
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Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdFlyinfGround
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True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner

—Josh Stern

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AmbitionCorner-OutHumor
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Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdBrilliantComedy
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Never send a Man in to do a Donkey’s job

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdDonkeyHumor
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I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I’m such a pyromaniac

—Josh Stern

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CarryHumorPyromaniac
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Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what

—Josh Stern

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HumorInspirationalKindness
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Never love anybody who treats you like you’re normal…they’re just the psychiatric hospital staff

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdAnybodyHospital
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Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

—Josh Stern

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AngelsHumorInspiratione
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In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdButterflyCaterpillar
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The only threesome I’ve ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdExperiencePantene-Humor
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You’ll never know what psychopathic heights you’re capable of, just lying there on the sofa

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdHumor-InspirationalPsycopaths
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When she says ‘I’ve never done this before” she just means with you

—Josh Stern

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DoneHumorNever
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Y’know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

—Josh Stern

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AlikeFrozenHumor
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I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

—Josh Stern

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AbsurdFreeHumor
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If America runs on Dunkin’, do I detect a slight limp?

—Josh Stern

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AmericaDunkin-DonutsHumor
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Don’t ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

—Josh Stern

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HumorIgnoranceSilence
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