Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings
You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order
A watched pot never boils…. but it does develop paranoia
I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear
Come Hell or High Water” usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for
I’d die for your sins, but I’d probably enjoy them first
If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends
An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers
positivity is the father of reinvention
I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!
Death is life’s way of telling you, you’ve been recalled
Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth
If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse
If positivity is not your mindset, then reset
Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of
Do the thing you fear, and the death of your underwear is certain
Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast
When people try to rain on your parade,…pee on theirs
To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it
Women, can’t live with them, can’t murder/suicide without them
It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light
I like my coffee like I like myself….making rustling noises inside a burlap bag
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