Dr. Suess said: ‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened..’ I tell my dates: ‘Don’t cry because it happened, smile because it’s over

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

Women, can’t live with them, can’t murder/suicide without them

It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light

I like my coffee like I like myself….making rustling noises inside a burlap bag

I’ve always been a poor sport and a sore loser…any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance

Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff

If you got caught with your pants down. I suppose the first question to ask is, what were you doing in a fishing net

Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard

True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

Never send a Man in to do a Donkey’s job

I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I’m such a pyromaniac

Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what

Never love anybody who treats you like you’re normal…they’re just the psychiatric hospital staff

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?

The only threesome I’ve ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1

You’ll never know what psychopathic heights you’re capable of, just lying there on the sofa

When she says ‘I’ve never done this before” she just means with you

Y’know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

If America runs on Dunkin’, do I detect a slight limp?

Don’t ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

There’s a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it’ll drive you insane or to genius

Never borrow trouble, the payback’s a bitch

If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are

Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette

Anyone can spin a victory, it’s a total loss that demands creativity

I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to‘verboten vegetables

Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce….?

I hate pulling out… I mean, I’m really bad at the whole parking thing….

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting… but I’m still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet

Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

It’s one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!… That’s a real talent

It’s not that I’m ahead of my time, it’s more that the world is running late.

Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack

If you deny the existence of a higher being, you’ve never been to rehab

Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle

If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody

The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer school

The primary difference between sex and death is, with death there is no dress code

If it’s the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

I love shark week, all kids swim for free

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling