I’ll pray for good semen. And I’ll get all of my friends to pray for good semen.

In my dreams, my spare penis was decomposing in my closet, and to me it was a symbol of our love.

I suggested that we had experience in helping other countries build their military forces, and we would be willing and happy to do the same for Afghanistan, together with the United States.

My love smells like an empty mayonnaise jar. It ought to, because that’s where I store it. Coincidentally, my love also looks and tastes like mayonnaise.

If you’re going to be a superhero, can I be your sidekick?” -April”What?” -Grace”The Dynamic Duo!” -April”Um, I’m pretty sure sidekicks have to have super powers, too. -Grace”Oh Yeah… Okay, but you can always use...

I’m glad the government can’t tax love, because I’d owe them a lot of it. And I’d be forced to tell them how much my ex wife stole.

Especially well known around the office is my weakness for dyspareunist women. Most people would find such disparity in unity repelling, but it harmonizes perfectly with my personal tastes.

BioLogos claims there is no conflict between the theory of evolution and creationism. Huh? Here is where the creationists seem to have the intellectual advantage: they at least see the conflict. Actually, it is not...

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other’s rear ends, you’d think they were feeling for diamonds or something.

I just acquired a choir. I bought it for a song.

A large proportion of mankind, like pigeons and partridges, on reaching maturity, having passed through a period of playfulness or promiscuity, establish what they hope and expect will be a permanent and fertile mating relationship....

Honestly, Wyatt, no selfrespecting female – cat or woman – is going to—

Most animals show themselves sparingly. The grizzly bear is six to eight hundred pounds of smugness. It has no need to hide. If it were a person, it would laugh loudly in quiet restaurants, boastfully...

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual’.

It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent...

The good lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs growing hair that’s up to them

Are you on medication?

It may be prodigious, but it’s all Greek to me!

Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he’d eaten worse.

Curious about these new entities, the elementals asked why the gods were in the shape they were.”We are bipedal,” Erebus said. “We wish to be distinguished from the animals.””What are animals?” an elemental asked.”We’re not...

Well, I think Leo’s either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity– or go nuts and kill us all.” -Crash

I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn’t play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa...

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

A blanket could be used as one square on a giant checkerboard.

this was business.

Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet?...

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

If there’s a sexier sound on this planet than the person you’re in love with cooing over the crepes you made for him, I don’t know what it is.

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.

What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won’t give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.

A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.

I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)

I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but safety first!

I thoughtyou were some kind of psychopath.” My frown deepens, as I consider whether he might in fact be a psychopath.

A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with a real or artificial heart.

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world’s lamest Ghostbuster. I ain’t afraid of no leaves.

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

You are funny like a kid and awesome like a princessUnseen like an angel, like the morning sunshine… Kindness like a river and highness like a mountain, In the middle of the Rheine, the cute...

A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

In between bites of banana, Mr. Remora would tell stories, and the children would write the stories down in notebooks, and every so often there would be a test. The stories were very short, and...

A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able to tell for sure if you try to run the experiment with the...

Jokes are many things. ‘Funny’ is only one of them.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people.

Play and be happy.