Oh, you need Alan to betray Nick and then you’ll steal Nick’s powers and kill them both,” said Mae. “Great idea. Hey, can i come? I’ll bring a picnic lunch if you promise not to...

Don’t plead with anyone if you were not at fault, you’ll only look inferior, stupid and funny, bolster your ego by doing the undoing.

New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬.

You fellows are amazing,’ the sweaty cook roared over the stoves. ‘Everything happens to you only. Each time you come here, you have a new adventure story to entertain us

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick.

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

Real comedy is not when you laugh at an idiot, it’s when the idiot laughs at you.

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today,...

Once Errol righted himself into some semblance of horsemanship, they set off at an easy canter. That is, the other horses set off at a canter, while Errol’s horse settled into a teeth-shattering trot. After...

Mr. Right is coming, but he’s in Africa and he’s walking.

I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.

Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.

I’m kidding, you idiot. Let’s go.

I may not be a witch, but I will knock her right off that broomstick if she keeps this up.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

A hundred people is rather a large handful for the four of us to take on,” Malcolm pointed out. “Do you have any ideas about how we’re going to handle that task?””Simple,” Halt told him....

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

I suspect I am a hooligan.

I’m not leaving, Kitten. You’re going to do this.”My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the...

His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I...

My parents would read those books to me as well but they used to make me starving when I was a kid because they were always eating ham sandwiches with the crusts off and drinking...

—,Acabas de… lavar un plato? —Dee retrocedió lentamente, parpadeando. Miró a Daemon—. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir…—¡No! —gritaron los hermanos al unísono. Daemon parecía que en realidad iba a vomitar.—Jesús,...

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

Braden’s.

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That’s a step too far.

When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.

I’d like to point out that we’ve had zero problem reaching each other’s mouths.

Gliding down the bike path on a Saturday morning, you whip by somebody peddling in the opposite direction and give each other a nod. For a moment it’s like “Hey, we’re both doing the same...

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

I remember watching Gilda Radner when I was a kid and everyone thought she was so funny and no one ever said that she was a funny woman, she was just funny.

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage.

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven’t found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

No, but as a vampire, I’m able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.

I breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive, and to see how good looking my breath is.

I’m a whore!”Miki hit the brakes…her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. “You’re not wearing any underwear, are you?”Sara let out a strangled squeal…

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Love is a damagemade to the heart,violence,fate thats written,Changeable by distance,Breakable by time…!

You read a book for the story, for each of its words,” Gordy said, “and you draw your cartoons for the story, for each of the words and images. And, yeah, you need to take...

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I’ll be first in line.

Here’s a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, “Obsession.”Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob

Wehehehehell, if it isn’t Ollie-Ollie-oxidant-free…”You can take…all the tea in China…put it in a big brown…bag for me.He’s as sweet as tupelo honey; he’s an angel of the first degree.Men with insight…men in granite…knights in...

So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient.

The girl says “Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a whore!” Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a...

Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

Sam’s hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, “You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that.” She...

I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

To actually know one’s ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.