I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other...

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It’s nature’s way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the...

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny...

When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.

Jonathan!”I loved carrying her around in my arms. After all, modern man is just an illusion, we’re all still cavemen. We just wear better clothes now.

Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts,” he declared. “I doubt if he could kill a duck.”Tyrion shrugged. “Fetch the duck.

No I’m not.

I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.

Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.

If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.

Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off;...

Good dog! Nice fetch!””He wasn’t fetching.””Bring her here, boy. Good job!”The dog looked from Zack to me.”I’ve been training him,” Zack said. “Up till now he’s brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he’s...

Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you’re funny you will get over all of that.

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.

Breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. “Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood- I mean Gideon- but I must go and murder the cook....

The driver got out smiling. He looked about seventeen or eighteen, and for a second, I had the uneasy feeling it was Luke, my old enemy. This guy had the same sandy hair and outdoorsy...

Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.

I thought, What a miserable life he’s had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a jobas a driver—and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one...

Does he give you zings in your things?

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

…She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. “I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We’ve been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It’s just like stand-up. It’s best when it’s just left alone. It doesn’t translate always...

Then Leo realized something was blocking the middle of his view. Something large and fuzzy, and so close, Leo had to cross his eyes to see it properly. It was a large, ugly face. “Holy...

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever...

I haven’t met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving...

I want her when she doesn’t want me, and I don’t want her when she wants me. Now that’s love in the 21st century!

I’m bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is “In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.

Perv.”He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. ‘What do...

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I’ve got to figure out how that happened.

The saga started out a normal day—don’t they all? I mean, surely one morning back there in prehistoric times a dinosaur woke up, yawned, chewed some coffee beans, and thought his day was going to...

A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

But Amy,” Elder says. “Space suits!

Far be it from me to slow down two badass supermodels on a mission, but we have a problem,” a male voice said wryly.I could see Christian out of the corner of my eye as...

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Eating be eating, b’ain’t it, Birdie?”Nay, Uncle Bear: In Caermelor, at the Royal Court, they be so-oh, so much more advanced than anywhere else. ‘Tis not done to wipe your fingers on your hair or...

I love iconoclasts. I love individuals. I love people that are true to themselves, whatever the cost.

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

Sometimes, when it’s going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery. The true writer, the born writer, will scribble words...