What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!

Las mujeres se esmeran mucho para estar bien vestidas para hombres que solo quieren verlas desnudas.

They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more...

Did you really save the world ?…- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot.

It was in this pub he’d learnt that, contrary to the belief of the majority of those laying bets, it is possible to flatten a hundred frogs with a hammer in less than thirty seconds....

I planted a plastic plant, but nothing grew but political hope. I watered it with the tears of the voters.

A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.

On our second date, she kissed me in a bar. I invited her home. We just caught the F train, which seemed like a good omen.

Robots make better lovers.

He has a natural immunity,” I gritted out.

Okay. I’m not a white male. At least, not predominantly so. And as I mentioned before, I’m in an environment right now where race is really important. See, Chinese men are not that physically intimidating....

„Anticarul nu pierdu ocazia să-i relateze pe larg cum venise Georgeoiu înt ia oară la Capșa în căutarea poetului, știind că acesta trecea zilnic pe-acolo, trebuia să semneze un contract important. Era seara, pe la...

I don’t need every answer. Just the right answer.

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Oh Tigger, where are your manners?””I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am.

Shaving a sheep is considered foreplay in some countries. But I don’t consider foreplay at all, not even before sex.

Azerowut, I must tend to an urgently urgent business and a business that is urgent most urgently. Watch over my tent with extreme care and care that is caring in the extreme, and do not,...

I have only two wishes,” said Jean. “The first is for strong coffee, and the second is for stronger coffee.

I notice when you’re gone. With you not being there I notice your unbeing, with you still being a being in time but not my space.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.

You are my whole heart, Scarlet. And this is breaking it.’My heart cracked open and clear dropped out of me. My mouth opened, and I looked round me and stamped my foot. ‘Does this look...

I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why I don’t need sex.

They’re book addicts.

Do not put statements in the negative form.And don’t start sentences with a conjunction.If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that agreat deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.Never...

Over 90% of my do-nothing attitude can be attributed to one thing—nothing. So can the other 10%—but that’s just the free sample part.

What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

In the first years of our lives we learn how to shit, talk, walk, sleep, eat and, most importantly, how to royally piss off our parents.

I’m great at making love, at least for the first 20 bucks, and for about 30 minutes after that I just sort of lay there, trying to stretch out my investment.

I’m jealous of your hooks,” Kevin replied. “Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands.”Don’t be ridiculous,” one of the white-faced women replied. “Having a white face is worse than both of...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I won’t clap when you die. I mean I would cheer, but applause would be inappropriate at your funeral, an event I’d miss because I’ll be celebrating.

It was queer meeting him there—odd I mean—and what are the odds we’d meet at a gay bar? I was there to meet a woman, I think.

Well blow me down with a solar flare.

lost girls.

But the law is an odd thing. For instance, one country in Europe has a law that requires all its bakers to sell bread at the exact same price. A certain island has a law...

Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

She drowned in a coffee cup the size of a swimming pool. It really helped wake me up to my own mortality.

The cucumber and the tomato are both fruit; the avocado is a nut. To assist with the dietary requirements of vegetarians, on the first Tuesday of the month a chicken is officially a vegetable.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can’t see a damn thing before having coffee.

I saw some kids at an elementary school, and I thought, I wonder if those kids are mine? Any of them—or all of them. It’s possible, because I love making love.

What is evil?’ you ask. To which I reply, ‘Who are you, Friedrich Nietzsche?’ To which you respond, ‘Duh, wha? Me no understand.’Then I put you back in your cage.

Alanna: All I know is that I’m to jump when I’m told and I have no free time.

I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn’t spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail—and then made vibrator noises.

On peut rire de tout mais pas avec n’importe qui.

She is a peacock in everything but beauty!

According to Sarah, who had gone two years ago, prom was famous for being an overpriced disappointment where most people had no fun.