I rein myself in. I’m already breaking up with the guy. I don’t have to ruin his favorite movie.

I obscenity in the milk of my shame.

I have a hangover and a headache. It’s called my conscience.

Whew,’ he said, ‘I’m glad that’s over, Thomas. I’ve been feeling awfully bad about it.’ It was only too evident that he no longer did.

What can I say? I’m a magnificent specimen of manhood. Of course they all want me. But I do appreciate you protecting my honor.

Sometimes I notice I’m demented, especially at sunset.

I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, “Wait until we’re finished eating.

Even though its common knowledge these days, it never ceases to amaze me that all the richness of our mental life – all our feelings, our emotions, our thoughts, our ambitions, our love life, our...

Monkeys can’t talk, stupid!

Let’s get you into a room and conduct our own chemistry experiment,” he said against my lips.”Or maybe we’ll just find a table to bend you over, since chemists do it on a table… periodically.””Mmm....

Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!

I’ve had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy.

In five years I want to go equally as far as I have come in the last five years. No, farther. Five years ago I embarked on a journey that led me to this point,...

Parents. Honestly. Sometimes they really do think the world revolves around them.

Ranger is an unusual name,” she managed. “Is it a nickname?”It’s a street name,” Ranger said. “I was a Ranger in the army.”I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get...

I once saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I didn’t know infants could be terrorists.

The relationship between professional and domestic cook has similarities to a sexual encounter. One party is normally more experienced than the other; and either party should have the right, at any moment, to say, “No,...

I had a dream about you. I walked by and you whistled like I was a piece of meat. And I was a piece of meat—I was a thin slice of ham. You were two...

We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).

I felt this awful obligation to be charming or at least have something to say, and the pressure of having to be charming (or merely verbal) incapacitates me.

Oh, for God’s sake,” I said. “Just give me the stupid thing.” I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. “GPS,” Ranger said to Morelli. “Probably I can find...

If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.

Do you mean ter tell me,” he growled at the Dursleys, “that this boy—this boy!—knows nothin’ abou’—about ANYTHING?”Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks...

You got here in the nick of time,” Johnny said, grinning insolently at him. “I was just about to start ripping off her clothes.

I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills.

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

And it started out fun. We were chattering enthusiastically, flipping between CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News. But as the evening wore on, and the numbers rolled in, it got quieter, and I found myself becoming...

Yeah, I can really paint a verbal picture,” I responded dryly.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

Which way did they go, Peeves?” Filch was saying. “Quick, tell me.” “Say ‘please.'” “Don’t mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?” “Shan’t say nothing if you don’t say please,” said Peeves in...

I want a new liver to replace my heart.””Um, why?””Because then I could drink more and care less.

I like sex to be intense. I also like sex to be in tents.

I called his broken promise heartbreaking, and he called it growing up. Oh, that’s mature—blame it on maturity.

If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.

I dated a Jewish girl whose grandmother made it,” I laughed.

There was an omnivorous intellect that won him the family sobriquet of Walking Encyclopedia.

That’s my nickname,” he said.

Not that it isn’t great to see you. But it’s not so great for you. What’d you do wrong? Laugh at his dick?

I loved Monty Python for the wordplay–this sense that you didn’t have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could...

You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my...

Malory! You’ve got a chipmunk on your pussy!

When I’m out of politics I’m going to run a business, it’ll be called rent-a-spine

My erection is made of iron, and metal detectors make me horny.

but you, unlike me, are a git.

She didn’t know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she’d ever tasted.

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.

I had a dream about you. I watched you grow up, and though I enjoyed the whole process, it did get pretty uncomfortable sitting in the tree holding those binoculars all those years.

My dad was nothing but a bingo call.

Abraham Lincoln did not shoot John Wilkes Booth. Titanic did not sink a North Atlantic iceberg. And Fox News is neither fair nor balanced. These are simple historical facts intelligible to all adults, most children,...