I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep...

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.