My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.