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Rodney Dangerfield  Quotes
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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Marriage
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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GirlSaid
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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GettingWife
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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Sex
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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CameFeltTough
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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DogFavorite
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I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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ComedyHumour
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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HonestLuck
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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HonestLuck
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep...

—Rodney Dangerfield

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HerSaidWife
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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HumilityLifePerspective
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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MotherShotUgly
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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SleepTogether
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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LightNakedWife
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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HumorHumour
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

—Rodney Dangerfield

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SaidUgly
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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FatFound
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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CigaretteGeneralMet
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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ComingDrinkingTaking
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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BornMother
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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FoundHumorKids
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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ToughWife
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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CrazyOpinionSaid
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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Three
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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HalloweenLookingParents
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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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Humor
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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FaceKidReading
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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MotherUgly
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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SexWife
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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ChocolateCookWife
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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AskWorked
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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AffairHumorInfidelity
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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NightWife
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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CousinsGayLondon
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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CatKeptPlayed
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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ActingEach
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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HerWife
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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CrimeFunnyHumour
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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FightFull
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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MetRidiculousSaid
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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BoyControlYear
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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Found
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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LookingWife
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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FunnyHumourInfidelity
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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GaveLast
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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HerWife
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

—Rodney Dangerfield

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NightSaidWife
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

—Rodney Dangerfield

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GameHockey
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