One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.