I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

To be or not to be. That’s not really a question.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

If a tree falls in the forest and it hits a mime, would he make a noise?

Some are born great, others achieve greatness.

Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.

If the bee disappeared off the face of the earth, man would only have four years left to live.

You could know a man not by what his friends said about him, but by how he treated his servants.

Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.

I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: ‘Do unto others twenty-five percent better than you expect them to do unto you.’ … The twenty-five percent is for error.

All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.

What doesn’t kill us makes us funnier.

All these people talk so eloquently about getting back to good old-fashioned values. Well, as an old poop I can remember back to when we had those old-fashioned values, and I say let’s get back...

I came, I saw, I concurred…

I’m a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world.

We have seen the best minds of our generation destroyed by boredom at poetry readings.

There is no God and we are his prophets.

Love is not patronizing and charity isn’t about pity, it is about love. Charity and love are the same — with charity you give love, so don’t just give money but reach out your hand...

I didn’t know that painters and writers retired. They’re like soldiers – they just fade away.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your...

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Charity . . . is the opium of the privileged.

The Battle of Normandy was won on the beaches of Dieppe

How do you know if a demon is lying? His lips are moving.

When a man plans, a woman laughs.

Michael was still an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, coated in yum. Only now the enigma was a little less mysterious; I was a few clues closer to solving the riddle – but damn, that...

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

All we demanded was our right to twinkle.

Everything must be made as simple as possible. But not simpler.

I’m trying to undermine the basis of Christian belief… I’m not in the business of offending people. I find the books upholding certain values that I think are important, such as life is immensely valuable...

Excess makes the heart grow fonder…

Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.

I believe I am in Hell, therefore I am.

What’s in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.