A decade ago when Isabel’s husband Max had died, they’d moved in together and merged their possessions. Neither sister brought any fussy teapots, canaries, sachets, or doilies,but lots of other stuff had to either stay...

Her cold, dead body was as stiff as a mannequin, but that didn’t stop me from asking her to dance. I was confident that even as a corpse she’d still have more fluidity on the...

In her career, she’d closed multi-million dollar deals without a hint of nerves. Now she needed a jumbo-sized bottle of antacids just to get out of her car. Or a double shot of whiskey. God,...

somehow people forget that there is God….what more to us we’re just individuals,,to forget is part of imperfections..

Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more scandalous. I should eat in the library, along with the other gluttonous nudists.

Ellen’s life was not easy, nor was it happy, but she did not expect life to be easy, and, if it was not happy, that was woman’s lot. It was a man’s world, and she...

„…And he doesn’t like you to call him Mr. McStabby, you know.””Have you ever seen him cutting up that meat? He is like an artist with slicing. And that knife is as long as my...

I’ve never met a politician who didn’t deserve to be tossed into a pit full of Kallin,” Beranabus grunts.

I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.

There will be days that you don’t want to dress up and if you have some decent looking athletic wear, you can give the illusion that you’ve just been working out, as opposed to giving...

The pursuit of historical relevance is an under appreciated endeavor.

I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.

Saturday morning was their unrestricted television time, and they usually took advantage of it to watch a series of cartoon shows that would certainly have been impossible before the discovery of LSD.

You couldn’t be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn’t even have to go to school during your period. You’d just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.

More than anything.” Rob persisted. “You’d crawl on your belly over broken glass for her. Easy.

I found a hair in my Campbell’s soup, and I’d love to talk to them about advancement opportunities for bald people. My love is as bald as an eagle, only not symbolic of the largest...

Ego is the world’s worst narcotic

wouldn’t you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?’As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs...

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money.

My last name comes after my first name, but it came before my first name, and it’ll be around after my first name dies (my first name will die with me). I wish my first...

For anyone of a rational disposition, fashion is often nearly impossible to fathom. Throughout many periods of history – perhaps most – it can seem as if the whole impulse of fashion has been to...

You wouldn’t think that people would believe that we all got so incredibly beat up—in so many interesting ways—from a bear attack. Especially not when Carmel is sporting a bite mark that is a spot-on...

I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.

You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one’s better in bed.

Bett didn’t have any siblings because she said her father had preserved what was dead for too long to be able to create life. When Bet was younger and had begged for one, her father...

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were...

On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he...

There were no footmarks.”Meaning that you saw none?”I assure you, sir, that there were none.”My good Hopkins, I have investigated many crimes, but I have never yet seen one which was committed by a flying...

Miro, I’m so sorry. I always felt such pity for you humans because you could only think of one thing at a time and your memories were so imperfect and . . . now I...

I had a dream I was able to fly now I have chained my bead to the ground. I like walking dreams better.

I don’t mind foreigners. God save the queen!” he squeaked and ran.

And it’s really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!

Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I’m so stupid. Forget I just said that. “He needs a Band-Aid,” I said. A look passed between...

I had a dream about you. You left your popcorn in my microwave, so I decided to enact revenge by selling the essence of your stinky fridge as a fragrance marketed toward the same people...

Just because you can, doesn’t necessarily mean that you should!

Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?

Check the couch cushions for change—and hope. I drink my coffee raw, straight out of the ketchup bottle.

Don’t get mad about the infestation of fleas if you keep shopping at the dog pound.

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.

I can see that an insufficent, or perhaps even defective, socialization process has led you to believe that four-letter words add power to languauge

But nearly every woman I know has a roughly similar story – in fact, dozens of them: stories about being obsessed with a celebrity, work colleague or someone they vaguely knew for years; living in...

MMMMugger, you nitwit.” He made m-m-m-m noises with his lips.

In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that’s logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens are forever engaging in make-up sex.

Bring me liquor, Bones, fast, to take my foot out of my mouth.Cat to Bones

When Eve upon the first of MenThe apple press’d with specious cant,Oh! what a thousand pities thenThat Adam was not adamant!

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Love is a fur helmet in a new sport called Petting, where physical contact is the object of the game. Even when you lose, you win.