I apologized for punching him. I thought he was attacking me with a karate chop disguised as a handshake.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.

Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like a mysterious glowing cloud devouring your entire community. While they’re happening, they feel like the only thing that matters and you can hardly...

I only like bubble gum if it’s flavored like the bottom of my shoe. I once stepped on my stepdad, but he was dressed like a puddle so it’s not like I’m at fault.

I glanced over, he was still looking at me. ”Uh… do you need something?””No.””Oh, okay.””It’s just…” he leaned in, ”…you have an onion ring taped to your back.””…Excuse me?””There is a ring of onion applied...

I can input star charts and order you a smoothie, if you want. Of course I can do latitude and longitude!

Does it hurt now?” he asked, his tone rough and seductive.”No.” She shook her head again and sighed, trying to pretend his touch didn’t make her uncomfortably wet.He grinned. “So…what’s with the heavy breathing?

My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love.

The question isn’t whether it’s SFW, the question is whether W is SF it.

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling...

I had to kill and eat my pet chicken. It was dinner for one, because the night before I killed and ate my grandpa.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Look out Below!” Air Asia’s catchy new advertising slogan.

Percy: Put your cap back on… get out! Annabeth: What? No! I’m not leaving you. Percy: I’ve got a plan. I’ll distract them. You can use the metal spider… maybe it’ll lead you back to...

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more...

If you’re a comedian undergoing brain surgery, I assume you’re not permitted to be conscious during the procedure, for your own safety.

Sure we could replace war with paintball battles. But it would escalate to paint grenades, paint bombs, weapons of mass paint. I don’t want to live in a world where my kids have to worry...

Have you been waiting in this line her whole life?

It’s not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It’s the hope I can’t stand. ~ Brian Stimpson, Clockwise

Not just in America. When I left my primary school, my father said, ‘Son, you are now a man,’ then he gave me a scented candle and told me how babies are made.” Vik fought...

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.

accidents” while visiting the McClaine farm, even though he didn’t hunt. The brakes on his car had failed while he was driving home from the farm—twice. Also, a running chainsaw mysteriously fell on him from...

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought.

For such small heads, little kids seem to have the biggest brains. No disrespect to midgets.

that means, ‘May your garden be filled with fine, fat hedgehogs.’ Which, I may add, is considered quite a blessing among the Rom.

Well”, Fang said, mimicking a thick Southern drawl. “I must say its mighty nice of them Daimons to clean up after themselves when you kill them” He held his hands up to them. “Look Ma,...

And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.

There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body...

Sheriff, are you suggestin’ the victom was kidnapped?””I’m only statin’ that, at this time, we have no body, only nonvital body parts…

I don’t know about you, but this whole life thing has been the cause of all my problems.

In the first place, Cranford is in possession of the Amazons; all the holders of houses above a certain rent are women. If a married couple come to settle in the town, somehow the gentleman...

I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father’s shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable.””How sweet,” Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. “Every woman dreams of being told...

A girl can dream can’t she? My new life plan is to stumble into every office of a CEO until I find a Christian Grey.

If I were handicapped, I’d travel by horse. Well, that’s assuming my wheelchair would be stable on the horse’s back. I’d be a coffee addict and porn historian.

A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys....

Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, ‘atheism’ is a term that should not even exist. No one...

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

I’ve created a monster, haven’t I?” said Merlin, staring at the animated figure incredulously.”I think that, technically, I was already a monster,” the dragon replied. “Now I am a monster with social networking skills. Or...

Evidence is of no longer consequence when hope enters the fray, and this is where faith is born—a seemingly abundant commodity certain powerful organizations feed on fervently, if not lavishly.

The Queen’s Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say...

Dr Adams was following my orders if you want to blame someone blame me -casiusoh i do,I’m just so pissed i had extra left over – Jace

The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

Nice to be born in this universe. Thanks dad and mom.

Coveralls,” I reply, and I know I’m no longer screening what’s coming out of my mouth.He raises a eyebrow, amused yet again. “You wouldn’t want to ruin your clothing.” I gesture vaguely in the direction...

I would rather save a few seconds than a few cents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m saving them in your sofa cushions.

It was February sixth: eight days until Valentine’s Day. I was dateless, as usual, deep in the vice grip of unrequited love. It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year’s Eve. Now...

Tyson was still staring at Chiron in amazement. He whimpered like he wanted to pat Chiron’s flank but was afraid to come closer. “Pony?

I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.

How are we going to get out of here?””Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.””Do we have the right plan?””Not yet.””Do we have any plan?””Not yet.