Since the day I was born, I’ve spent my time being a human being, and I regard this as a good decision. But not a great one.

I smiled, reached into my pockets and pulled out a pair of ultrapowerful earplugs, the kind that are standard issue for skyway construction workers, artillery soldiers, and roadies for the thirty-five most popular teen boy...

Youth, I didn’t want that illness. Luckily I recovered just in time for middle age. Now I can focus on more important things, like love, a relationship, and my upcoming existential crisis.

You can fuck your math teacher but you can’t fuck math.

Susan B. Anthony. Also, Susan be Anthony, now that she had a sex change.

Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.

I’ll tell you what I can do, but I’ll tell you silently and invisibly, because honestly, there’s nothing I can do. And what I can do is love you.

Solus walked over to the young brown-haired man and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, ignoring the look of panic he received in return. “You can call me Solus.” His golden eyes trailed...

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they’re honest about everything.

If chance be the Father of all flesh, Disaster is his rainbow in the sky, And when you hear State of Emergency! Sniper Kills Ten! Troops on Rampage! Whites go Looting! Bomb Blasts School! It...

Boggling”. Making love to me is mind boggling.

Harry Dresden. Saving the world, one act of random destruction at a time.

Jesus!” Luke exclaimed.”Actually, it’s just me,” said Simon. “Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.

My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to Joshua.

Love is like the human appendix. You take it for granted while it’s there, but when it’s suddenly gone you’re forced to endure horrible pain that can only be alleviated through drugs.

I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play thefool no where but in’s own house.

I smell like cat snuggles and sex, though from two different activities. I have just perfected my meatloaf-flavored ice cream, if you want to grab a spork.

Simply put, dramatic irony is when a person makes a harmless remark, and someone else who hears it knows something that makes the remark have a different, and usually unpleasant, meaning. For instance, if you...

I don’t want tea,” said Clary, with muffled force. “I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.””Unfortunately,”...

I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.

The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.

This city needs a stadium. Where am I supposed to masturbate?

Do you find this…distracting?

We made love like two tree branches in winter. We were naked and motionless.

He aimed at the lawyer’s heart but missed it. It was a mistrial.

Look on the bright side,” said Simon, “If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I’m not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.

Wow, that long?

Some days being a writer consists of telling yourself you aren’t insane, your characters are.

I farted five fingers of happy. It was a hot hello.

I am not perfect, but if I looked perfect to everyone I must have been rocking imperfect perfectly to a few imperfect souls that seek imperfection vs. perfection, in an imperfect world where God asks...

Why can’t car washes be giant waterslides for cars? Speaking of fun, why can’t sex be fun, rather than something you begrudgingly pay for, like taxes.

Ouch! I feel bitch slapped– Matt Carter

I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I’ll never be sane.

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!

Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

What do you think they’re going to do to us when they find us guilty?” she says after a few minutes of silence have passed.”Honestly?””Does now seem like the time for honesty?”I look at her...

With women, there is no sexual mystery—a vagina is a vagina. But with men, a woman’s got to wonder, is his penis small, medium, or Orafoura?

The ideal home: big enough for you to hear the children, but not very well.

What?” Jace was still staring at her as if she’d told him she’d found one of the Silent Brothers doing nude cartwheels in the hallway.

Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty.

Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — ‘Cuppa tea, cuppa tea… almost got shagged… cuppa tea’?

My bathtub is big enough for two people to fit comfortably in separate showers. I’m the kind of lover that Lowe’s home improvement salesmen who are working for commission dream about.

Do you think it’s possible for an entire nation to be insane?

Don’t be stupider than you need to be, I remind myself. Remember Calease? The last glowing girl you talked to tried to kill you.

☺☺ When a man gets you 99, he starts to think, he may only have another 10 years of sexy lovemaking left… Still Smiling At 99. ☺☺

Extra credit is not extra. It’s just credit. It’s what separates the good students from the bad students.””Aww – recess is so fun,” Lulu offered as her final sally. But after that, Lulu, like Sophia....

O.K., then, all right, they would adopt a white-trash dog. Ha ha. They could name it Zeke, buy it a little corncob pipe and a straw hat. She imagined the puppy, having crapped on the...

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing