I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn’t spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail—and then made vibrator noises.

I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.

She is a peacock in everything but beauty!

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

I had some good sex last night. How do I know it was good? Because I was participating, and not just a passive spectator and photographer.

I’d appreciate a phone call before you try to break into my office again-Matthew Carter

‘Why are you yelling at the television when you know they cannot hear you?’ ‘You wouldn’t understand,’ said Asher, his gaze locked on the screen. ‘It’s a human thing.’

How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

If we really exist merely to fulfill God’s plan: then life is a television drama; with God being the scriptwriter, the director, and, the audience.

Right, you’ve got a crooked sort of cross…” He consulted Unfogging the Future. “That means you’re going to have ‘trials and suffering’ — sorry about that — but there’s a thing that could be the...

Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.

Jokes are many things. ‘Funny’ is only one of them.

I now warn the reader not to mock me and my mental daze. It is easy for him and me to decipher now a past destiny; but a destiny in the making is, believe me,...

but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.

I’ve got to pee.

Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior.”- Hun, A. T.

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

I love nature. It beats having to flush.

College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you’re qualified.

It is a strange thing that the human species can only go three days without water and three weeks without food, before the body dies. Yet, so many people can go years hanging onto pain...

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

This book is dedicated to all the lawn chairs in all the living rooms of the world. I pray this book provides your owners with the strength, courage, and the wisdom to vacuum their lawns...

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our...

A romantic man often feels more uplifted with two women than with one: his love seems to hit the ideal mark somewhere between two different faces.

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

Where have all the Fembots gone?

For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society,...

It’s a moot point whether your ass needs kicking, if kicking needs your ass.

… three minutes.

#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.

Yo no creo en brujas, pero que las hay, las hay.

Positiveness is not a god gift. Things are negative when you realize that frog inside you is not able to jump high.

The easiest way to hide your gold is to disguise it as Spanish bullion and store it on the bottom of the ocean floor.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it….

Bercelak’s kin kept themselves busy by sharpening weapons, reading, talking, or setting things on fire with small bursts of flame.

Advice is bullshit. It’s just one asshole’s opinion.

The good part about having a mental disorder is having a valid reason for all the stupid things we do because of a damaged prefrontal cortex. However, the best part is seeing someone completely sane...

The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets...

I must confess that most modern mysticism seems to me to be simply a method of imparting useless knowledge in a form that no one can understand

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.

I’ll give you the key to my heart, if you promise not to make duplicates.

I don’t need anything to get high. I’m high on life.

The pen is mightier than the sword unless it’s a real sword in which case the guy with the pen should run away fast.

A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.

For the first time I realized I could be more than a crawling little pile of bones and flesh in a onesie.

When you’re the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.