People complain the president does nothing. I say stop complaining! Think how destructive he’d be if he actually tried to do something.

Mankind’s biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind’s second, infallible.

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

The police thought she tried to kill me, and that’s what I thought too, so I tried to kill myself, so my attempted suicide would take away their suspicious of her attempted murder. Now that’s...

Threat Level Fuchsia. Fuchsia!

I’m thinking ahead to how I’ll be thinking back to me thinking ahead in this moment.

Are you always so cynical?’ said Angelica.’No,’ said Katherine. ‘Sometimes I’m asleep.

When Jed comes in and gives you that look where his forehead wrinkles up and his chin drops so low that his baggy eyes can’t even look you square in your eyes, well, I guess...

When she says ‘I’ve never done this before” she just means with you

When you are being judged by someone that has no idea who you are always remember this: Dogs always bark at strangers and usually there is always some wacko neighbor that wants to try out...

It’s not that I want you to go, it’s just that I don’t want you to stay.” – China Sorrows –

Joshua’s ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here’s the gist of...

How can it be, after all this concentrated effort and separation, how can it be that I still resemble, so very closely, my own detestable mother?

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

I unstrapped her bra like I’d unstrap a seat belt, and for the same reason—to live dangerously. And to exit the vehicle.

I like your manner, Reginleit. Life is long without humor.

Modern literature is a north-east wind–a blight of the human soul. I take credit to myself for having helped to make it so. The way to produce fine fruit is to blight the flower. You...

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future,...

Facebook is big. Bigger than Justin Bieber or Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter following. Hell, it’s even bigger than obesity and possibly just as lethal!

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau’s assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.

You never know what you’re going to get with a pinball game,” John said. “It’s a lot like life. You can’t control it, so you have to just roll with it and do the best...

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

It don’t do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing.

My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.

How had they met? By chance, like everybody else. What were there names? What’s it to you? Where were they coming from? From the nearest place. Where were they going? Does anyone really know where...

Teen Spirit” I can offer you, if you’re interested.

Kiss the girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.

In a town like London there are always plenty of not quite certifiable lunatics walking the streets, and they tend to gravitate towards bookshops, because a bookshop is one of the few places where you...

I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam....

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

So many books, so little time.

I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the scissors and the condom.

Some case officers drink to spy better. The best case officers spy to drink better.

My imagination was running amok again. Twice in one night. This never happens when I’m sitting in front of a typewriter.

The more you ignore me, the closer I get; you’re wasting your time.

You can’t give her that!’ she screamed. ‘It’s not safe!’IT’S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY’RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.’She’s a child!’ shouted Crumley.IT’S EDUCATIONAL.’What if she cuts herself?’THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

Cap’n is the cuddliest cat this side of the rabbit hole. He’s like a furry lump of clay, because no matter what position you put him in, he’ll stay there and purr and then fall...

I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.

Not too many people are talking about silence. People are suspiciously silent on the subject of silence.

The greater part of the world’s troubles are due to questions of grammar.

I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was...

Because ENOUGH is TOO MUCH!And look around …can you blame us?!

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He...

Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure.

It’s time to scrap the archaic and oppressive paradigm of ‘client states.’ I propose a friendlier, more sustainable concept: pet states.

My love is divided into three parts. I’ll give you part one and two for free, but for the fourth installation, you’ll have to pay for it.