Beth We Steve I know you can Dave. I’m a lover, not a We’re Closed Until Further Notice kind of mannequin. Your donkey is my motorcycle of desire.

Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.

For me, a website would be user friendly if it gave me a handjob. It’d be doubly impressive if it were also a porn site, or government regulation compliance site.

Please, don’t put us through that torture.

I was not extremely patriotic about Mother Russia. I played their game, pretending. You have to deal with, you know, party people, KGB. Horrifying.

The past you lost is just like a dream. As you woke up new lifestarts. So, your actual birthday will be your death day.

Nobody got me out,” Nellie replied. “They just let me go. They think I’m a deranged Jonah Wizard fan. Apparently, the hotel’s full of them. A couple of idiots actually jumped off the front balcony....

Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.

Who gets briefed is what gets briefed

[On school uniforms] Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It’s not a new idea, either. I first saw it in...

It’s going to be okay, Eric,” Urte said, helping me sit up. I shook my head. “Lying is my forte, Urte, not yours.” (Eric.)

‎”Sarge, mr. Nurd here is threatening to turn me to jelly.””really?” said Sarge. “what flavor?

Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it...

I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes early. That’s why my love is always a bit premature. But don’t worry; just give our relationship a minute—plus fourteen more.

It’s just CIA being CIA.

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

What’s in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.

They would never argue,” Leo pointed out.

I’m not saying you’re weak, but you brawl like a couple of girls having a pillow fight.

Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.

Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.

When it comes to texting the power of you thumbs compel you

I wear a glove to honor all the men who have given me a hand. And to think, out of all those men, they only had one hand. No wonder I never get any high-fives.

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.

Wisdom you speak, Obi Tina.”None of that – I’m the one who gets to speak backwards – no, we’re both wrong – that’s the little green guy, Yoda.”You’re right. So I just get to pout...

I put the books I was returning on the appropriate desk, and I began looking at the shelves of new arrivals. Most of them were some permutation on self-help. Going by how popular these books...

The important thing is to keep them pledging,” he explained to his cohorts. “It doesn’t matter whether they mean it or not. That’s why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what...

She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up!

Hunter was bipolar, for crying out loud. He had checked into the nut house on more than one occasion and, honestly, I was already starting to feel the anxiety of living together. I would need...

I don’t know how you persist in being so stubborn-“”It’s a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.

Tohru: “Call a doctor, or a vet, or something! Mr. Postman! It’s terrible! You see?! They’re animals!”Mailman: “Well, uh, yes, they certainly are. Here’s your mail.”Tohru: “No, no, we’ve got to do something!”(Shigure in dog...

Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn’t make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie....

Word of mouth is often louder than word of hand, although applause can be deafening. I clap like Helen Keller drank coffee—with two spoonfuls of silence.

If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking together, healing, and the blood soon to be spilt.

All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies.

The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)

[Razo] knocked, peered inside, then jumped and shut the door, quiet as brushing two feathers together. He smiled at his own stealth, then swaggered right into a chair, banging it against the wall.You oaf. He...

Restraining, saving, assuring your checkbook balance…what does all taht amount to? If I go broke one day I’ll just take out loans

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.

Yes! I just nailed an interview. I’m going to be a professional hammerer.

Obama’s plan for “change”: Let’s do everything Bush did, only with more suck! Because it just didn’t suck badly enough the first time!

If I had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and a middle name to wear as a safety harness, I think I’d be much better equipped to...

A typical race morning usually starts out looking like a scene from a zombie movie: individuals or pairs of people walking down a deserted street, all headed in the same direction…. Inevitably, regardless of the...

The wise man sees the fool & laughs & the fool never knows why

Wrong religion,” he said.

Poor Chad. Not the country, but the guy. Oh, and the country’s poor too. I feel so bad for Chad. I also feel so bad for Chad.

I have been lately introduced to the famous Thomas Paine, and like him very well. He is vain beyond all belief, but he has reason to be vain, and for my part I forgive him....