I had a dream about you. Dinner for two turned into dinner for three when you told me you were pregnant. I was excited, but a little nervous, because we were at a fancy restaurant...

The Latin word for sausage was botulus, from which English gets two words. One of them is the lovely botuliform, which means sausage-shaped and is a more useful word than you might think. The other...

Dear Miss Tremor. You are smart and kind and pretty. I think you have really excellent stuff under your clothes and I would like to see it, please. Let’s go on a date and get...

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

I do not like you.

The problem with all politicians is that they are human.

There is undoubtedly a strong possibility, notwithstanding the vagaries of contingency and misfortune, that my son mighthave fallen—or might, we could say, have voluntarily jumped, in accordance with the ethical codes with which he has...

I obscenity in the milk of my shame.

The only ironic thing about that song is that it’s called ‘Ironic’ and it is written by a woman who doesn’t know what irony is. That’s quite ironic when you think about it. (on Alanis...

I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.

What can I say? I’m a magnificent specimen of manhood. Of course they all want me. But I do appreciate you protecting my honor.

It hardly ever works if they don’t know you’ve done it.

You should be flattered that I think you look like Miley Cyrus.”

Monkeys can’t talk, stupid!

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.

I’ve had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

Smartass Disciple: Master, do you really believe in the second chance?Master of Stupidity: That supports the basis of lost-then-found concept.

I had a dream about you. We were racing to be the slowest person on earth. You were winning, which meant you were losing. You were gloating because you were a winner, and I was...

Ranger is an unusual name,” she managed. “Is it a nickname?”It’s a street name,” Ranger said. “I was a Ranger in the army.”I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get...

A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works.

I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.

The relationship between professional and domestic cook has similarities to a sexual encounter. One party is normally more experienced than the other; and either party should have the right, at any moment, to say, “No,...

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we are doing and instinct is just instinct. The results are about the same.

I had a dream about you. We made love like two albinos in the snow. Even though I could see everything, I couldn’t see anything.

Oh, for God’s sake,” I said. “Just give me the stupid thing.” I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. “GPS,” Ranger said to Morelli. “Probably I can find...

A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid, wait up a second!

If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.

You got here in the nick of time,” Johnny said, grinning insolently at him. “I was just about to start ripping off her clothes.

The Cat In The Hat,” I won’t need to protect my sensitive lips anymore.

Yeah, I can really paint a verbal picture,” I responded dryly.

A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.

I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets.

Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you’ve never noticed, the dead are always on time.

I want a new liver to replace my heart.””Um, why?””Because then I could drink more and care less.

Goodreads.com could be read Good Reads, or it could be read Goo Dreads. Of course, it couldn’t be the latter, because who dreads goo?

I dated a Jewish girl whose grandmother made it,” I laughed.

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Not that it isn’t great to see you. But it’s not so great for you. What’d you do wrong? Laugh at his dick?

Women always want to look younger, and I always want to look older, so I could look like Pliny the Younger. As a lover, that would give me the best of both worlds.

When I’m out of politics I’m going to run a business, it’ll be called rent-a-spine

A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...

It’s her favorite movie. She’s one-year-old. It’s also her grandma’s favorite movie. Her grandma is three-years-old.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

She didn’t know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she’d ever tasted.

I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.

Abraham Lincoln did not shoot John Wilkes Booth. Titanic did not sink a North Atlantic iceberg. And Fox News is neither fair nor balanced. These are simple historical facts intelligible to all adults, most children,...

A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so long as people can tell it’s a snake.