I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.

[I] don’t think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted to hurt, and understand exactly whay I was hurting. This made sense: you cut, you felt pain, period.

I know LSD; I don’t need to take it anymore. Maybe when I die, like Aldous Huxley.

The quickest way to alter an altar is not with a hammer, or even religious deconstruction, but with a typo.

We’ll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.

Electricity is really just organized lightning

Our love meant the world to me. Well, certainly a globe at least.

Amen,’ I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I’ll have forgotten about it and...

Honey, that man would do anything to keep you. Lie, steal, cheat, kill, clean up after himself, and do laundry.

REBEL” hats and Confederate flag bandannas. I laughed so hard I think I broke a rib.

Growing up in my family meant ambushes on your birthday, crossbows for Christmas, and games of dodge ball where the balls were occasionally rigged to explode. It also meant learning how to work your way...

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.

USA was founded in 1776. Or so I was told. I wasn’t actually there, so I have to believe the history books—the same history books that are full of American propaganda lies.

I wanted to stay this way forever.Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.

The nails from a suicide’s coffin, and the skull of the parricide, were of course no trouble; for Vesquit never traveled without these household requisites.

We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.

He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.

Shit a brick.”

I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you.

Cuando me di cuenta que el mundo era como esa naranja me dieron unas ganas tremendas de comerme un pedazo del mundo. Sentía una sed terrible y los dientes se me salían de la boca...

Tanto la marginalidad como la exclusividad pierden su sentido cuando se popularizan.

To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already in my bloodstream.

The following Discourse [on art, by Sir Joshua Reynolds] is particularly Interesting to Blockheads as it endeavours to prove that There is No such thing as Inspiration & that any Man of a plain Understanding...

I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at...

When I got a networking event, I don’t see a crowd of strangers—I see an admiring audience waiting for me to perform so they can applaud me and throw me flowers and business. I always...

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

Esperanza’s side had so many colors, Crayola sent a scout.

6. Sleep with a bra on every night in fear of your boobs dropping should you forget. Intermediate: Don’t wear a bra in the daytime. Advanced: Forget bras and wear the Hear Comes Trouble T-shirt...

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

and the HE stands up. if frenchy’s could bottle him up and sell him as porn, they’d probably own half of chicago within a year. he’s what would happen after nine months if abercrombie fucked...

and I don’t have to hold on with anything more than my toes

Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.

My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.

Hereos. Idols. They’re never who you think they are. Shorter. Nastier. Smellier. And when you finally meet them, there’s something that makes you want to choke the shit out of them.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You’re totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can’t see this sentence!!!!!)

I’m productive. I make things like directions. Mostly I just make things up.

Dear Lynda Carter, Please be with me in my hour of need. Especially if I don’t have to twirl around to get my powers.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort....

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?

You may be temporarily young, but you’ll forever be childish.” Then I put gum in her hair.

I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs.

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn’t help me...

But a girl can dream. And I have a feeling he’s going to be starring in a lot of them.

I’m not a hillbilly—I’m a hillwilliam. Or, rather, a William Hill. That was my name at the last networking conference, when I stole a nametag to make friends without fear of insulting them with lasting...

Well, don’t stand about like that, man; if you’re no use you’re certainly no ornament. Bring that in and tell me what it says.

Do you know people who insist they like ‘all kinds of music’? That actually means they like no kinds of music.

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

People seem to overlook an old man losing his mind if he occasionally made light of it.