Your pants didn’t get smaller, Mommy,” I assured her. “Your butt got bigger.

Nellie grinned. “I always wanted to go to Venice. It’s supposed to be the romance capital of the world.””Sweet,” put in Dan. “Too bad your date is an Egyptian Mau on a hunger strike.”The au...

Nobody got me out,” Nellie replied. “They just let me go. They think I’m a deranged Jonah Wizard fan. Apparently, the hotel’s full of them. A couple of idiots actually jumped off the front balcony....

He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. “There,” she finished, slapping Frank Zappa’s Greatest Hits on top of the pile. “That should do for a start.” “You are a...

The dog always dies. Go to the library and pick out a book with an award sticker and a dog on the cover. Trust me, that dog is going down.

I’ve taken care of it,” I saidMy father looked at me, shocked.Then I realized “taken care of” had a very specific meaning in his line of work.”No, no, I mean he’s gone.

For someone who’s smarter than a supercomputer, sometimes you’re a real idiot.

Ask yourself: ‘Do I feel the need to laminate?’ Then teaching is for you.

You know what punk is? a bunch of no-talent guys who really, really want to be in a band. Nobody reads music, nobody plays the mandolin, and you’re too dumb to write songs about mythology...

Amy turned to Nellie. “Can you create a diversion to draw the clerk outside?”The au pair was wary. “What kind of diversion?””You could pretend to be lost,” Dan proposed. “The guy comes out to give...

I hate France. It’s like the whole country’s on a diet

But here, two thousand miles from home, there was a real shipwreck, a real hope. A choice big enough to change our lives forever.

Don’t have to see,” the pilot grunted. “Olga knows the way.””Funny name for an aircraft,” Grace commented. “Is it after your wife?””My gun.”Grace stared at him. “You named your plane after a gun?””It was a...

Why can’t you just lie and cheat like the others?” Dan snapped. “Can’t you just see that’s better than being nice one minute and then turning around and selling us out? It may be very...