I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety.

My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones each night to use after I’m dead. The best time to make love...

Perfect sanity is a myth propagated by straitjacket salesmen.

You were baptized?””My sister told me that yes, Father baptized me shortly after birth. My mother was a Protestant of a faith that deplored infant baptism, so they had a quarrel about it.” The Bishop...

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

His clothes were clean, but his mustache was dirty. He must have used it as a brush to scrub his pants. I’ll bet his coffee tastes like freedom.

Hell’s got IT?Yes, of course. Who do you think invented Candy Crush?

I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don’t think you can beat my vibrator.

My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.

Yeah, I peed on it.

I think I killed a girl who looked like this once.

There isn’t a thing I can’t do now that I didn’t do when I was twenty-one…which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That’s a lie, but I might...

Music is inaudible to deaf people, just as dancing is invisible to me.

I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.

If you tell me the truth, the truth I’ll proclaim.If you tell me a lie, you’ll be fair game.

My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.

This bastard was in a self-help program? For what? Square-jawed, cleft-chin sufferers? Handsome Bastards Anonymous?

I want to see the king,” I said, after explaining who I was.”Wonderful,” said the ancient Nkumai who sat on a cushion near the corner pole of the house. “I’m glad for you.”That was all,...

It was the short men that caused all the trouble in the world.

I had a dream last night I was awake through the pregnancy but I fell asleep at birth when I awoke I was Pinocchio and stuck inside a tree, does that mean I don’t have...

Kitty need’s a tounge bath

Well, at first I was thinking we could challenge them to a few rounds of Scattergories, but then I realized fighting would be way more emotionally satisfying.” -Buffy

By all accounts Rafe’s life had been shattered by the loss of his brother Peter. But whereas she turned away from drink when Draven died, Rafe had simply upended a barrel of brandy on his...

Stop looking for your better half! You need to be whole to attract your better whole, if you expect to have a flourishing relationship.

International awareness of his deceptive practices is the reflection of the frustration that is prevailing in Sri Lanka which the President is trying to undermine by the traditional emotive and hate mongering politics.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.

Harry,” Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, “what you know about women, I could juggle.

It doesn’t matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had,...

The conversation was one-sided. She was doing all the talking, and every time I opened my mouth it wasn’t to reply—it was to yawn.

Must you always speak with so many pop culture references?””I must, yes, but no one’s making pop culture anymore, so I’m starting to feel dated. I haven’t seen a new movie in two years. And...

Whoa, don’t assume, dude,” Marco said. “My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me–

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.

Next to her, I felt like Carrot Top in drag.Cat re: Annette

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you’re the one getting slapped with the stick.

You must overcome failure to succeed, and champions know how to lose. That’s why I don’t need to win to know that I’m a champion.

Don’t ever trust anyone who’s writing a book. They make up lies for a living.

To alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

I made love to a woman on a boat once. It was still on the showroom floor, but the way I rocked it made it feel like the ocean. Ah, but that’s life, no?

You can’t wish for more wishes or for vague generalities like happiness that are impossible to grant. Your wish has to be something specific enough that I can use my wand to make it happen....

Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while.

A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have to ask if you see it in my fridge.

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.

My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have unprotected sex, the risk/reward would be possible STD for me vs. possible grandchild...

If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your...

In the deepest, darkest depths of her heart where she kept all her dreams locked up in a pink journal decorated with ponies and unicorns, she’d fantasized about declaring her love for Sasha Karimi for...