The river didn’t fall down the mountain. No, it took the escalator. I love swimming down stairs like I’m Michael Phelps in a wheelchair.

An artist is identical with an anarchist,’ he cried. ‘You might transpose the words anywhere. An anarchist is an artist. The man who throws a bomb is an artist, because he prefers a great moment...

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it

Bridget – I like my tea like I like my men. Strong, sweet and dark.Joan – I like my tea like I like my men too. Still warm.

I could be a trophy hubby. I have the body of an elite athlete…that of a pro bowler.

All right, all right, you go right on thinking you an act of God created in his image, and I’ll go right on thinking I’m descended from an ape. When you look in the mirror...

I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

What defines me as a person? A dictionary.

Have some carrots. They’re good for your eyes.””Then you have some fries. They’re good for your… I don’t know. They’re just good.

Actually, [Wax] said, we came here because we needed someplace safe to think for a few hours.”Ranette: “Your mansion isn’t safe?”Wax: “My butler failed to poison me, then tried to shoot me, then set off...

A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well, the good news is the parachute worked as planned, but the bad news...

In dog years I’d be dead.

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?’Clawing at the roof of her coffin.

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

If there’s a place for me in Hell I hope it’s next to someone like you

I sighed and deleted the message, imagining the dirty clothes multiplying like rabbits, because that’s what they do when I’m not around.

You don’t know me, but in case you’ve forgotten, you’re a loser.

But then it was over too quickly and they pulled away. She knew they couldn’t stand there and kiss like a couple on the run in a thriller.

The Black-eyed Peasants.

If you’re ever in a ghost town, it’s only appropriate to visit the cemetery. Also, ever thought that coffee’s steam is the rising soul of your dead sleep?

MOMB – noun – One who can deal with all of the INSANITY of being a MOM… Because she’s the BOMB!

I like the smell of my Grandma’s soap – I used to sit in the bath and eat it.

Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s...

You know where we got stuck? We were looking for faithfull, loving and perfect relationships-males who were always glad to see us.” “So?” “We already have that!” “What do you mean?” “We’ve got dogs!

They don’t fit you?” V asked his roommate. “Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People.” Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the...

He wanted to pay me in agriculture, but I told him, “I need something that’s going to put food on the table.

Alan: “I had terrible stage fright.”Sin: “I’m not familiar with the concept of ‘stage fright.'”A: “It’s pretty awful. You end up having to picture the entire audience in their underwear. Phyllis was in that audience,...

So far Kat has been through all the Wa’s she could think of, but Hale hadn’t admitted to being Walter or Ward or Washington. He’d firmly denied both Warren and Waverly. Watson had prompted him...

A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and let the blanket filter out impurities. Then after your water is pure, drop...

Liraz snorted, caught off guard, and the tension between them ebbed away. “I’m sorry of my almost dying interrupted your almost kissing.

One day, I want enough money to be at the center of a corruption scandal.

If you can try to nap where someone’s sitting,Although there is another empty chair,Then rub against his ankle without quittingUntil he rises from your favorite lair;If you can whine and whimper by a portalUntil the...

I had a dream that I was perfect…I woke up and was still perfect. Aw.

If you can’t make ends meet, meet them in the middle instead

He’s half blind because he’s in love.

Defender of the Laws of Time, Protector of the Galaxy, and the biggest back-rub slut she’d ever seen. [Sam Jones, on the Eighth Doctor]

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.

Does it stand, but not straight enough? Is there a bend in the tool? Leaning left like the Marxist-Leninist Party? To the right, like the Jan Sangh fascists? Or wobbling mindlessly in the middle, like...

If water was beer I’d be a teetotaler

Falling in love is like falling into the arms of a starving cannibal. It’s the only time when dinner for two is dinner for one.

Get me outa here. F*ckin’ creepy cheerleaders.

Everywhere I go, I bring Bring, and a feeling of redundancy. I love you because I love you—and because I love you. What more do you want?

When life hands you a lemon, say, ‘Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?

I love seeing other channels counterprogram the Super Bowl. PBS: “DAMN RIGHT we’re airing a new ‘Masterpiece Classic’! Fuck off, sports!

Caesar was a serial seducer of married women.

I is not only a letter, I is me. So in that respect, I guess I am a simple guy.

We should have a State in which we could live and breathe as free men and which we could develop according to our own lights and culture and where principles of Islamic social justice could...

If your name is Alex Andrew Aaron, and you are a straight-A student, is it because your initials are AAA, because your first middle, and last names are all first names, or because a business...

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it...