She would walk through the kitchen at any hour, whenever she was hungry, and put her fork in the pots and eat a little of everything without placing anything on a plate, standing in front...

Songwriting is a bitch. And then it has puppies

You don’t need batteries for an introduction. Buy my Networking in a Box today and see for yourself. (Handshakes sold separately.)

It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up and toss them overboard in the Atlantic Ocean.

I mean, it’s just sex. It’s simple biology, right? You build up tension and stress– you need to open a valve somewhere and let it out, or you’ll explode. Nothing deep and emotional about it,...

I love to pull at people’s heart strings, but I’m no Nicholas Sparks.

Alert me if you’re attacked by a rabbit.

There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands…

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

I love meatloaf.” Of all the things I could have said, that summed up what I hoped our relationship would one day become.

If I got upset every time someone beat me, or chased me, or tried to rape me, I’d be crying in my cereal every morning. No one likes a whiner.

Nothing spells trouble like two drunk cowboys with a rocket launcher.

I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I probably butchered his job title.

Are you sleepwalking?’ A voice asked behind me. “I was testing dorm security,” I said. “It sucks.

I’m not fluent in affluent. Still, I’m grin rich, and my smile stretches from yesterday to tomorrow. You should kiss me on today.

When I’m in the ocean, I swim alone, because I’m a shark-eating man. I’m also a man-eating man, though to be fair I thought that one surfer was a seal when I bit into him.

My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees and orangutans and bonobos, all of us distant and distrustful cousins.I know this...

There is nobody as hopelessly vulgar as a British aristocrat…

If you see me sitting at a dining room table with a clean plate and bowl in front of me, you’ll know it’s because I’m a starving artist. I’m also thirsty, as my cup is...

You used nunchucks on a moose?”Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. “I used all sorts of things on that bastard.

Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.

You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.

An uncomfortable marriage can not bear the strain of the death of a beloved donkey.

These books can’t possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time.” Faukman’s eyes went wide. “Don’t tell me Harry Potter is actually about...

When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because eating all that food made me thirsty.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

This guy looks like Humphrey Bogart with a beard. Makes me so jealous I could just stab him. And I would too, if I didn’t suspect him of holding a smoking gun.

I need your help. You can help me by not helping me.

Be kind to everyone, everyone is going through something

40Wednesday has been canceled due to a scheduling error.

Things I can’t live without: food, water, love. But not her love, because I haven’t had that in a long time, yet I’m still alive.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.

Being an authorized user generates more of a risk than a reward. You are putting your credit in the hands of others. The previous statement implies their mistakes, now becomes yours! – The Credit Repair...

The dead know everything but they don’t give a damn.

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Don’t eat in the dark. My brand of cat food comes with a light bulb in the can.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man”.

At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women.

I was once reproved by a minister who was driving a poor beast to some meeting-house horse-sheds among the hills of New Hampshire, because I was bending my steps to a mountain-top on the Sabbath,...

So this is what men are like. Well, that’s it, then – I am going to be a lesbian.

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

Good folk, I have no coin,To take were to purloin:I have no copper in my purse,I have no silver either,And all my gold is on the furzeThat shakes in windy weatherAbove the rusy heather.

You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal.

He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him,...

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

I don’t know what I expected – no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his...

Je me souviens de mon effroi devant un premier baiser. Et si l’autre me mangeait la langue? C’est d’abord mon meilleur morceau de viande que je lui confie aveuglément.

I must have gone to the wrong island,” I said with a private laugh.

Sometimes I hate him. When he does the dishes, he shakes off each one before setting it in the drying rack. Water flies everywhere. A couple of drops always hit me in the face. I...