Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink.

If there were such a thing as an inter-city thieving contest, Ankh-Morpork would bring home the trophy and probably everyone’s wallets.

It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

Our love was so hot it could melt the polar ice caps. In fact, my passion’s probably to blame for global warming.

You know that feeling you get when you pass by a cop doing like 20 over, when your stomach hits the floor and you get weak in the knees and it seams like time just...

I hate the notion of a secret recipe. Recipes are by nature derivative and meant to be shared – that is how they improve, are changed, how new ideas are formed. To stop a recipe...

My name is Mr. Raingold. But please, call me Money Showers.

A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)

He only drinks when he gets depressed,’ said Carrot. ‘Why does he get depressed?’ ‘Sometimes it’s because he hasn’t had a drink.

What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.

The only real recourse that [Russian] people had against tsarist rule was violence and rebellion. It was once remarked that Russia’s constitution was “absolutism moderated by assassination.

The HAPPIEST people don’t have the BEST of everything… They just drink WINE.

Behold the day-break!I awaken you by sitting on your chest and purring in your face,I stir you with muscular paw-prods, I rouse you with toe-bites,Walt, you have slept enough, why don’t you get up?”(From Meow...

Why does that kid think so highly of himself?””Kids that think they’re so smart.They’re everywhere! Destroy is self-esteem!””Yes…I really do think highly of myself.People like me should get a taste of the ups and downs...

Younger wizards in particular went about saying that is was time magic started to update its image and that they should all stop mucking about with bits of wax and bone and put the whole...

After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.

If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves. They’re lined with fur and are perfect for a cold February 14th winter...

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.

I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don’t eat! Who knew?

If I earn 10 dollars, I’m saving 11 of them.

Grandfather informs me that is not possible.

One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear.

Here’s your first problem,” he said, pointing at a sentence. “‘Religion is the opium of the people.’ Well, I don’t know about people, but I think you’ll find that the opium of pirates is actual...

I’ve come a long way in the last year. 365 days, to be exact.

Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don’t come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they’re...

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, “I wish I had known this some time ago.

Sales is a hard way to make money, trying to convince people to willingly pay you for a product or service. I prefer making money the old-fashioned way, by extortion, like the government does.

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

We’re actors — we’re the opposite of people!

Oh, you’re a picky sort, huh?” He laughed. “That takes balls, being choosy at a time like this.

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

And what about us? Do you want a vampire boyfriend?” He laughed bitterly. “Because I forsee many romantic picnics in our future. You, drinking a virgin piña colada. Me, drinking the blood of a virgin.

The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that meansPoor Justin!

. . . Mrs. Lambchop sighed and shook her head. “You’re at the office all day, having fun,” she said. “You don’t realize what I go through with the boys. They’re very difficult.”Kids are like...

I bet you cook good, huh?” Darlene asked.”Mother doesn’t cook,” Ignatius said dogmatically.”She burns.

It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.

I long for your love like the length of a midget.

aptitude” for math, but all you got in the end was a B minus. The truth is you weren’t even trying. But then you got low Cs and Ds in all your other classes and...

What a slacker. Just because daddy paid for his college education, he thinks he can avoid dying for his country.” — Willie “Drafted

Golden Arches’ are the gateway to the afterlife.

I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl’s shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.

My pants pant like a dog, and they drool at the zippered mouth. When I go for a walk, they go for a walk. Now, if only they could play fetch.

Motorcycle helmets are bottomless. Strippers are topless. And my love is middleless.

If you have to worry about a man, he’s not worth worrying about.

I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.” I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.No?”Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on...

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.

For Christmas I got new socks. I peeled them off a dead body.