We worked side by side building our sandwiches. Mine, just a few modest layers of meat and cheese, with a bit of lettuce for some added crunchiness; his, a Dagwood, piled high with turkey, ham,...

Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.

I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t regret it for a second.

There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.

I closed my eyes and resigned myself to the fact that my boyfriend was a pervert. He was lucky he was so cute.

My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

Westley: This is true love — you think this happens every day?

Henry turned as if to dart out of the room, then swung around and stared at them, a look of confusion passing over his freckled face, as if he had only now had cause to...

You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.

If you want me to have sex with you, I’ll have sex with you. If you want me to love you, I’ll have sex with you.

If you’re not writing, you’re wronging.

Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.

I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

No. Absolutely not.”Simon,’ she said. ‘It’s a perfectly fine plan.”The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over...

I’m sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman.

Actually, the Sniper’s sense of humor frightened Amy more than anything else. The parody of Carla’s poem had been witty, the rudeness of Marvy’s critique outlandish, and she was still, for some reason, focused on...

I’m wearing my End of the Dance Underwear. They’re soggy. It seems these days everything is saturated with my love for you.

I have an iron deficiency. You can tell by how wrinkled my clothes are.

Bah-Bah-black sheep, have you any soul?No sir, by the way, what the hell are morals?

Fire wants to burn Water wants to flow Air wants to rise Earth wants to bindChaos wants to devourCal wants to live

If you don’t get everything you want, think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want.

We made love like two cars that were out of gas. I tried to fill her up, but couldn’t because I myself was empty.

I cross-examined him and he double-crossed me but that’s fine; I’ll prosecute him one day and he’ll be sentenced to life without parole…with me.

Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim was used to accent the wood, and the only place to sit is...

I can’t remember if I’ve time traveled, because memory only covers the past, and it’s likely I’ve only been to the future. But that’s natural, because that’s where I store all my love.

An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread.But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food.You want something a little more colourful,...

I’m not a Christian, but I have read his book.

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

Her vagina feels like home, while her sister’s vagina feels like a hotel room. I should ask for a late checkout.

Guns, she was reminded then, were not for girls. They were for boys. They were invented by boys. They were invented by boys who had never gotten over their disappointment that accompanying their own orgasm...

I don’t like ice in my whiskey. I like bullets. Why? Because for every ice cube I don’t use, an Eskimo gets to keep one square inch of his igloo. So I’m saving twice the...

I want more sleep. It won’t happen, but I can dream, right?

If I were being honest with myself, he lit a blaze, not just a blush, but that’s too much reality for me to admit.

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it’s animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place...

It’s a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?!

A shower curtain would make a great dress. If I make it for you, will you make love to me? Before you answer, you should know that I’m a bring my own bathtub kind of...

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

Are you going to rape me at any point or anything?” I just figured it was good to get things out in the open, get myself in the right headspace. He whipped his head around...

I like the name Lola, because it has LOL in the beginning.

He’s my father, whoever he is, so he must have had sex with my mother at least once, and I’d love to kill him for that.

A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note,” he said, “but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor.

It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I’m right.

O.K., then, all right, they would adopt a white-trash dog. Ha ha. They could name it Zeke, buy it a little corncob pipe and a straw hat. She imagined the puppy, having crapped on the...

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

Is there any other time to be dancing alone to 50s music than 5 AM? I wish my grandpa thought so, because I’m trying to sleep in the ballroom.

They should make condoms shaped like socks, so I could wear them with sandals and properly express my love for you.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.

Here are the Top Ten things that your parents say to you:-Is that all you’re going to do all day, sit in front of the computer?-When I was your age I had two jobs.-Why don’t...