Sometimes I feel like the tenth dentist in the 9 out of 10 dentists surveys.

Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her...

Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!

If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring your own knitting equipment.

I was raised the old-fashioned way, with a stern set of moral principles: Never lie, cheat, steal or knowingly spread a venereal disease. Never speed up to hit a pedestrian or, or course, stop to...

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get...

Well finish your story anyway.”Where was I?”The bubonic plague. The bulldozer was stalled by corpses.”Oh, yes. Anyway, one sleepless night I stayed up with Father while he worked. It was all we could do to...

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Simple answers to the most difficult questions:1. Why do humans find it difficult to express themselves?To relate to the movies and books, later.2. Why do humans make everything look so big, beautiful & complicated?Ego feels...

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

Lend me your ears and you can borrow my mind

We’re going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend...

I gave her all the love I had to give—which wasn’t 100%, but rather 10%. The other 90% either evaporated or got stolen in the name of war reparations.

I’m on the Internet. I stay informed. They let old people on the Internet, you know.

Bah, Alzheimer’s. The reason my grandma can’t remember anything is because she’s always thinking about dick.

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

We were in Paris. We were in love. We were with other people at the time and wouldn’t even meet for two years.

The slang for the rectum is “prison wallet”.

Of all the fish, in all the bars in the world, she had to not walk into mine. Maybe my love isn’t evolved enough for her.

Poison!” Grover yelped. “Don’t let those things touch you or…””Or we’ll die?” I guessed.”Well…after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes.””Let’s avoid the swords,” I decided.

Why would anybody want dick for free?” What kind of lover would that make?

When I was a boy, I would read those postcards and know exactly why my father was doing what he was doing: he was taking a stab at greatness, that is, if greatness is simply...

If you hear voices, you’re a lunatic. If you write down what they say, you’re an author.

As I raced out of the office, I could hear Emily rapid-fire dialing four-digit extensions and all but screaming, ‘She’s on her way– tell everyone.’ It took me only three seconds to wind through the...

Okay, okay, okay … go to your corners, boys. This is a nice Aubusson carpet you’re standing on. You get blood on it and I’ll have Fritz so far up my ass I’ll be coughing...

It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning;...

Pregnant women need dick too. And I’m here to sell it to them. I charge by the inch and by the hour.

Is this a game? We just blurt out whatever word comes next to mind? In that case mine’s ‘genuphobia’. It means an unreasonable fear of knees.” “What’s the word for a perfectly reasonable fear of...

I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

Do not share your thoughts with people who think that what you are thinking is not worth thinking.

There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as they flicker light while you dine alone and ponder how much of a...

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday?

I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

Shock and desire have my nerves tingling like I’ve been struck by horny lightning.

…What do you do with all your money?””Me and the French hoard gold.

Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris. “Yeah, here’s a rare grocery...

It’s not until the break of dawn that the darkness gets to take a break. That’s also when the pain of losing yesterday’s love begins to lift.

And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.

When the fog lifts on this economy, I think we’ll find a lot of people refusing to ever turn off their caution lights.

Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving...

They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.

101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during...

Well you won’t talk to him…and he’s feelingawfully lonely. And I think you hurt his feelings.” Then he made itbounce twice in agreement.Talaith covered her face and sighed. What exactly did hermother tell her the...

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it’s frumpy mother.