Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.

I ordered an extra large handshake to go, but I had no idea it would be so greasy—or that it would leave a stain on my crotch. Ugh, politics!

My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?

It’s amazing how fast a handshake turns into a handjob. Ah, you’ve got to love politics.

You don’t need batteries for an introduction. Buy my Networking in a Box today and see for yourself. (Handshakes sold separately.)

I had a dream about you. You introduced me to a clock, and I’m right handed, so I didn’t know which clock hand to shake, the hour or the minute. So I chose instead to...

I apologized for punching him. I thought he was attacking me with a karate chop disguised as a handshake.

Gloves are condoms for the hands. My bare handshake might impregnate you.

A handshake is a balanced transaction, an even interaction based on agreement. A handshake is a physical representation of quid pro quo. But if Seth Goden is right, and we are now past this for...

Is it easier to get you to do what I want with a fist to your face, or a gentle pat on the back and a handshake? Let this be a lesson in power.

If instead of a handshake you hold out a fist for a fist bump, I’ll wrap my hand around your fist like it was a circular shower handle, and toggle between hot and cold a...

The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?

When you meet me, the first thing you’ll notice is I have a firm handshake. The second thing you’ll notice is that I’m wearing oven mitts. I like my introductions hot, like my iced coffee.

I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option.

Wrap your hand in toilet paper before you meet someone. It’ll change how much people respect you.

Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers.

With a person I respect, I wash my hands before I shake their hand. With a person I don’t respect, I wash my hands after I shake their hand.

If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings?

Hug your customers but also offer handshake to your competitors.

I always wear an oven mitt when I go in for a handshake, because I like to give visual hints about what kind of lover I’d make. I don’t use a cup to drink coffee—I...

I don’t have to extend my hand to greet you. A wink can reach across the room. And a wink in a telescope can stretch across the universe.

He was one of those characters who felt that a weak handshake could somehow damage his authority, which meant that every handshake had to bloody hurt.

It’s not wise for me to extend a congratulatory handshake while your hands are busy clapping for me. I’ll wait for your applause to die down—or for my mother-in-law to die before we shake in...

I’d give anything if you’d kiss me.” I said. “I mean,” I said when he tilted his head to look at me, his eyes wide in shock, “I’ve kissed guys before. It’s like a handshake...