Cats are meowable gloves you don’t wear, you pet to keep your hands warm. But I keep my hands warm the old-fashioned way—by applauding all the political rhetoric coming out of Washington DC.

Rejoice in the rain. Pretend you’ve just exited the desert.” I knew my words impacted her because she shivered in delight. I should be a politician.

I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman like that I’d listen twice as hard for doublespeak. I’m pretty accustomed...