JACK.I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can’t go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few...

He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away, but he was just very aloof.

Because you wear a uniform, a smelly uniform…and so you think you can be rude to me.

Rachel!” Gabe shouted, rushing forward. Before Gabe could reach her Haim, being closer to where she had fallen through, leapt into the gaping hole after her. The group now only heard Haim’s cries echoing in...

What’s on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

Can you enter a house uninvited?””No.””Why?””That would be rude.

One of the best lovers in Hollywood. What would a title like that encompass exactly? she wondered. Technique? Enthusiasm? Or was it more about equipment?

Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from her, I only charged her 50 cents on the dollar. That’s love.

For those whose ganglia were formed pre-TV, the mimetic deployment of pop-culture icons seems at best an annoying tic and at worst a dangerous vapidity that compromises fiction’s seriousness by dating it out of the...

Ankh-Morpork is a godless city–”I thought it had more than three hundred places of worship?’ said Maladict.Strappi stared at him in rage that was incoherent until he managed to touch bottom again. ‘Ankh-Morpork is a...

I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.

Young men speak about the future because they have no past, and old men speak of the past because they have no future.

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: ‘Bagels don’t talk about you behind your back.’ … Since WHEN???

Out of all the fathers in the world, I am the most like Mother Theresa. Also, I am childless.

Why do humans never do as they’re told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn’t, bad idea.

Now, there is a tendency at a point like this to look over one’s shoulder at the cover artist and start going on at length about leather, tightboots and naked blades.Words like ‘full’, ‘round’ and...

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as...

Honey, he looks slippery as soap.”And then adds, “A girl could lather up in soap like that.

Flattery will get me nowhere? That’s a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.

People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.– Circular Letter to My...

Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn’t she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin’ all over a stack of griddle cakes?

A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers could be severed and flicked at politicians, to try to correctly redirect blame.

Only a clever human can make a real Joke about virtue, or indeed about anything else; any of them can be trained to talk as if virtue were funny. Among flippant people the joke is...

Secret 1.4. The real question isn’t whether you’re cleared for top secret, it’s whether you’re cleared for unclassified.

You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt, I’m too late, because you’ve already got one in the oven.

A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.

Supposing an emperor was persuaded to wear a new suit of clothes whose material was so fine that, to the common eye, the clothes weren’t there. And suppose a little boy pointed out this fact...

A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.

Handsome hero wanted.Brave in the face of certain danger.Must be willing to get naked with other species.At least six-inch penis required.Fee is negotiable.

It was an odd situation. For a century and a half, men got rid of their own hair, which was perfectly comfortable, and instead covered their heads with something foreign and uncomfortable. Very often it...

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

I am a leg of the death tripod that will destroy our foes.

Yes, I will.

It’s a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi’ a toad

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be...

The wind helps me unwind. I make love like Don Quixote windmilled into history.

I assure you, my good Lestrade, that I have an excellent reason for everything that I do.

Unfortunately when I’m on my death bed I believe I’ll be like most people and still looking for Jesus. And yes I’ve checked my sock drawer.

Are you sure you weren’t adopted?””Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory’s real clear.

When did you become a woman?”-HatoriHow dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times…”-YukiGASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean…” fan club girlsNO! He’s my doctor…”Yuki

I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU. She reached out and took a damp square of cardboard. Water dripped off the bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued on....

Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.

A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do...

Despite what you think you know, most people don’t want to fight, especially when evenly matched. … That’s why you see those pissed young men doing the dance of “don’t hold me back” while desperately...

I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I’m petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!