I had a dream about you. You had hair like dandelion blowball, and I was one hurricane sneeze away from making you bald. You may have been in danger of losing your hair, but at...

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

I don’t know what the old you was like, but the new you, the older you than the old you, is new and fresh.

I naively believe that self-love is 80 percent of the solution, that it helps beyond words to take yourself through the day as you would with your most beloved mental-patient relative, with great humor and...

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the...

Simple answers to the most difficult questions:1. Why do humans find it difficult to express themselves?To relate to the movies and books, later.2. Why do humans make everything look so big, beautiful & complicated?Ego feels...

The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze.

This was fun. We should find out we’re still married more often.””Why, so every day can be a special new plunge into hell?””Nobody I’d rather burn with than you, babe.

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.

Sometimes I wonder if the human race isn’t collectively as mad as a sack of door knobs.

There’s almost always a church youth group at the soup kitchen. I have yet to see an atheists’ youth group. Yeah, I know, religious people don’t have a monopoly on doing good. I’m sure that...

How did you hear about that?”Are you kidding me? So far, I had that runt Kyle-”I hate him. I hate all vamps. That complete toad, Michael-”-tell me you were pregnant by a vamp-”kidnnaped me and-Kyle...

I’m on the Internet. I stay informed. They let old people on the Internet, you know.

I want to get even. I want to get even more money.

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

Even first love dies.

Trains are great dirty smoky things,” said Will. “You won’t like it.” Tessa was unmoved. “I won’t know if I like it until I try it, will I?” “I’ve never swum naked in the Thames...

[On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]:You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can’t possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel...

Poison!” Grover yelped. “Don’t let those things touch you or…””Or we’ll die?” I guessed.”Well…after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes.””Let’s avoid the swords,” I decided.

The End of the Raven”On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slantingI awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found...

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of...

My amazing feat features shoes (and feet)—it’s how far I’d walk for love. Guess how far? However far it is from the point I ran out of gas to wherever she is, assuming she’s hanging...

Most investigators don’t even know what the word means. You stop the cops from using informants and the only crimes they’d ever solve would be those by deranged postal workers who come to work once...

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.

It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning;...

I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)

Serpentfire can burn for a very long time if the bagic is strong,” said Aldric. “It’s hard to handle, that kind of fire, it seems to have a mind of its own, but it can...

Desjani pulled out a ration bar. ‘Hungry?’ she asked Geary.’I had something earlier. Is that a Yanika Babiya?”No. It’s . . .’ She squinted at the label. ‘Spicy chicken curry.”A chicken curry ration bar? How...

You’re mine and I wouldn’t let you prostitute yourself for pizza. Now go put on a shirt,” I said, pulling two slices onto a plate.

I like ducks.” Jem observed diplomatically. “Esspecially the ones in Hyde Park.” He glanced side ways at Will; both boys were sitting at the edge of a high table, thier legs dangling over the side....

I brug you two [gifts]..I gots thelittle here in my pockie.’ He dug one hand deep into his pocket and pulled out a handful of nuts and a dead grasshopper. ‘Nope. Be the other side’...

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday?

Earn your money, and earn my love. Just like money, sometimes you have to spend love to make love.

When she got back from taking Cassie to school Fancy knew that she ought to be working on her wilderness romance. She had promised thirty thousand words to her editor by tomorrow, and she had...

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

You know that feeling you get when you pass by a cop doing like 20 over, when your stomach hits the floor and you get weak in the knees and it seams like time just...

I undid the wrappings with great curiosity, for Holmes did not normally give gifts. I opened the dark velvet jewller’s box and found inside a shiny new set of picklocks, a younger version of his...

Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris. “Yeah, here’s a rare grocery...

Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did.”She briefly toyed with the idea of lying and saying no, just to see the look on his face, but...

There was no mistaking her sincerity–it breathed in every tone of her voice. Both Marilla and Mrs. Lynde recognized its unmistakable ring. But the former understood in dismay that Anne was actually enjoying her valley...

Don’t call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it’s not sexist.

What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?

The only real recourse that [Russian] people had against tsarist rule was violence and rebellion. It was once remarked that Russia’s constitution was “absolutism moderated by assassination.

Did we really come all that way?” She asked. “Time flies when you’re scared out of your mind.” He answered.

101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during...

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...