You’re doing it again and it really annoys me. In fact, I will have to kill you now because I have a lot of untamed energy because of the Sex God. I’m going to have...

So this is what men are like. Well, that’s it, then – I am going to be a lesbian.

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

Oh, Blimey O’Riley’s pantyhose….What is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on. ‘What light doth through yonder window break?’ It’s the bloody moon, for...

Oh Blimey O‘Reilly’s pantyhose…what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.What light doth through yonder window break?It’s the bloody moon, for God’s sake,...

I wanted to kill her and make her eat her fringe. And her knickers.

Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, ‘Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair...

So, in conclusion, that is the moral of Heidi. ‘Always push invalid chairs off the top of mountains when you get the opportunity.’ The end. Excellent advice.

And the kittykats would have to erect scaffolding and a pulley to get him down. Mind you, I wouldn’t put that past them. Sometimes when they are behind the sofa supposedly purring, I think they...

Boys are like elastic bands. It doesn’t mean that boys are made of elastic, which is a plus because nobody wants a boyfriend made out of rubber. On the other hand, if they were made...

Apparently if you want to get a boy to like you, you go sort of mysterious and icy and cool. That’s what my cousin said and she has loads of boyfriends and snogging-type experiences.

My cousin Georgia says that boys are like gazelles. She says the get alarmed when they get close to girls. And they have to leap off into the woods like gazelles in trousers. Or have...