If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

I’m the Super-sized McShizzle, man!” Leo said. “I’m Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy.

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

You can change your mind, don’t let your mind change you

A sneeze can never be to far away

We’re on a planet, relax!

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

The glass is completely full…of shit.

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

And empty words are evil.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about…anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Everyone in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I adore you....

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

Though I should have known better, I had to ask. “What is furniture disease?” She looked at me like I had the IQ of a grape. “It’s when your chest falls into your drawers. Get...

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

If you’re worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt.””The what?”Xavier shook his head in disbelief.”You worry me,” he muttered.

Interviewer: ‘So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?’Frank Zappa: ‘You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

LADY BRACKNELLThirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in...

It crosses my mind that Cinna’s calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

One of the perils of life is to be asked a question which the wisest of them cannot answer. But a smile does the job.

Get Him!

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

If your success is not amazing to your critics, it disturbs, infuriates, and frustrates them, and if they’re not careful; may go hang themselves and go to hell.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Never trust a man with a penis.

I used to dream, and I used to vow;I wouldn’t dream of it now.

The commodity I sell is nonsense. Condiments sold separately. Ah, but that’s life, no?

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

How are you feeling?”I leaned away from him. “Gross.”Aiden frowned. “Gross?””I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don’t come near me.”He laughed. “Alex, come on.””Seriously, I’m gross.” I put my hand...

Me parece que no lo entiendes. Las vidas de las personas pasan por delante de sus ojos antes de que mueran, y el proceso se llama ‘vivir’. ,Te apetece un camarón?

I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.

—Then, said Cranly, you do not intend to become a protestant?—I said that I had lost the faith, Stephen answered, but not that I had lost self-respect. What kind of liberation would that be to...

Very well.” He sat cross-legged on the floor of the cage. “You haven’t run off so you want to talk. I will hear your explanation now.””Really, Your Majesty? So good of you to condescend. I’ll...

I went to visit my dad. He didn’t say a word to me. Or if he did, I couldn’t hear it through the grass, the dirt, and his coffin lid.