The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is...

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an...

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

I’m the Super-sized McShizzle, man!” Leo said. “I’m Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy.

You can change your mind, don’t let your mind change you

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

A sneeze can never be to far away

We’re on a planet, relax!

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

Though I should have known better, I had to ask. “What is furniture disease?” She looked at me like I had the IQ of a grape. “It’s when your chest falls into your drawers. Get...

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

And empty words are evil.

The glass is completely full…of shit.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about…anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Everyone in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I adore you....

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Get Him!

LADY BRACKNELLThirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in...

If you’re worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt.””The what?”Xavier shook his head in disbelief.”You worry me,” he muttered.

It crosses my mind that Cinna’s calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.

Interviewer: ‘So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?’Frank Zappa: ‘You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

One of the perils of life is to be asked a question which the wisest of them cannot answer. But a smile does the job.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

If your success is not amazing to your critics, it disturbs, infuriates, and frustrates them, and if they’re not careful; may go hang themselves and go to hell.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Never trust a man with a penis.

I used to dream, and I used to vow;I wouldn’t dream of it now.

Certain words roll off the tongue like frozen balls of saliva. Words like sure, positive, and definite—you know, words that are certain.

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.

For dessert I ate a desert. It was sandy, and so was the name of the woman I ate dinner with. She had a dry sense of humor, and that is why I wore a...

A satirist is never certain whether he/she will be acclaimed or punished.

Boys say they don’t mind how you get your hair done. But then they leave you for someone with really great standard girl hair and the next thing you know you’re alone with a masculine...

That isn’t writing at all, it’s typing.

I’m currently drinking a coffee cup full of yesterday and thinking about tomorrow. My past is so dark it makes me think my future could use some cream.

It’s like they’ve forgotten everything important, isn’t it? I mean, forgotten things like cats and dancing exist.