Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

I’m the Super-sized McShizzle, man!” Leo said. “I’m Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy.

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

You can change your mind, don’t let your mind change you

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

We’re on a planet, relax!

A sneeze can never be to far away

My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

And empty words are evil.

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

Though I should have known better, I had to ask. “What is furniture disease?” She looked at me like I had the IQ of a grape. “It’s when your chest falls into your drawers. Get...

The glass is completely full…of shit.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about…anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Everyone in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I adore you....

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

LADY BRACKNELLThirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in...

Get Him!

It crosses my mind that Cinna’s calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.

If you’re worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt.””The what?”Xavier shook his head in disbelief.”You worry me,” he muttered.

Interviewer: ‘So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?’Frank Zappa: ‘You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

One of the perils of life is to be asked a question which the wisest of them cannot answer. But a smile does the job.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

If your success is not amazing to your critics, it disturbs, infuriates, and frustrates them, and if they’re not careful; may go hang themselves and go to hell.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

Never trust a man with a penis.

I used to dream, and I used to vow;I wouldn’t dream of it now.

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high,Hope you break your neck and die.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

If there are seven people present, myself included, and there is one pizza that’s cut into eight slices, then everyone should get one slice—except for me, who should get two slices, because I didn’t pay....

A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set of train breaks for the price of a warm night’s sleep.

Ah, Proph.” Tom paused. “You did have a nightmare last night.””And here I thought maybe I dreamed it,” Prophet muttered sarcastically.

Graphic design will save the world right after rock and roll does.

Man’s inability to get out of bed in the morning is a curious thing. One may reason with oneself clearly and forcibly without the slightest effect. One knows that delay means inconvenience. Perhaps it may...