I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Taking care of yourself, taking time for yourself & rewarding yourself is NOT selfish. It’s important & absolutely necessary!

Your RELIGION does not make you a good person. Your BEHAVIOR does.

I need COFFEE to help me change the things I can… and WINE to help me accept the things I can’t!

What doesn’t KILL me makes me stronger… Except for the extinction of COFFEE… that might kill me.

The HAPPIEST people don’t have the BEST of everything… They just drink WINE.

If there is ONE THING that you do today, let it be this…Don’t take life WAY too seriously.

They are not grey roots! This is my new fifty shades of grey OMBRE hairstyle!

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, COFFEE and acceptance…The SIX stages of waking up!!

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up!

People who have NO ambition to make a difference in this life should not interrupt the people who DO.

MOM – noun – One who sacrifices her body, sleep, social life, spending money, eating hot meals, peeing alone, patience, memory, energy and sanity for LOVE!

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

MOMB – noun – One who can deal with all of the INSANITY of being a MOM… Because she’s the BOMB!

You should base everything on what you see with your own eyes, hear with your own ears and feel with your own heart. Period. Always believe what you KNOW about a person, not what you...

MOMBIE – noun – Suffers from forgetfulness, fatigue, exhaustion, moodiness, sleeplessness, confusion and moments of insanity!Has difficulty eating or drinking anything while it’s still hot and peeing alone.

Even AWESOME MOMS use the F-BOMB!

Sometimes LIFE is rough and tough. That’s still NO excuse for you to be.

Asking me to do ANYTHING before I’ve had my first cup of coffee should be an episode on 1000 Ways to DIE.

Motherhood is a constant battle of wanting to go to bed early so you can catch up on sleep and wanting to stay awake so you can enjoy some peace and sanity!