I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

Get Him!

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.