The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you’ve gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on...

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it’s that the terrorists can attack us, but they can’t take away what makes us American — our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No,...

It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their...

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a ‘Peanuts’ character.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every...

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

[Politicans] are salespeople. Instead of rotisserie ovens they are selling this idea of preemptive war or social-security reforms.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their...

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don’t have any of it right now.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee “Operation Masturbate.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human...

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other...

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church’s Fried Chicken is a church.

Evil is relatively rare; ignorance is epidemic.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

It’s funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day...

Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd...

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

Race is there. You’re tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it.

Thomas Jefferson once said: ‘Of course the people don’t want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they’re being attacked and...

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.