Tyrion let the eunuch help him mount. “Lord Varys,” he said from the saddle, “sometimes I feel as though you are the best friend I have in King’s Landing and sometimes I feel you are...

He’s going to jail. He can’t see. He can’t hear. He can’t take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time...

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?

A blanket of self-regulated trust on a bed of deceit.

I can understand that you love to dance, because I can’t dance.

A Short Alternative Medical DictionaryDefinitions courtesy of Dr Lemuel Pillmeister (also known as Lemmy)Addiction – When you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.Cocaine – Peruvian Marching Powder. A stimulant...

The most the average person probably reads in a day is a STOP sign or two. And based on how people drive in Jacksonville, I don’t think they even read that much.

I wish I could say I’m low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life…like a toothbrush.

I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

Ma’am, I can take either you or your purse, but I can’t take both. And honestly, I’d rather take your purse.

He is a unicorn. I want to gently capture him and bring him back to my lab for research.

It will be like having an extreme close-up in high definition to examine each freckle, while failing to notice whether the person is even wearing pants.

Says O’Sullivan to me, “Mr. Fay, I’ll have a word wid yeh?” “Certainly,” says I; “what can I do for you?” “Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay,” says O’Sullivan, polite as can be. “But...

Is it time for your period, or something?” With unerring instinct, he’d found a great big red button, and pushed it. Wyatt fights to win, which means he fights dirty. I understand the concept because...

Really?” Claire said, and couldn’t help but smile. “That’s what creeps you out. Waxing. You can take on vampires and draug and killers, but you’re afraid of a little chest-hair pulling?

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

I’m so lowbrow that I don’t want to grow a unibrow, but I do want to grow a unicycle on my forehead.

Whenever Papa said, ‘Jump,’ I was always the first one in the air.

strong medicine” could be good or bad, just like the laxatives she was forevertalking about. Good for makin’ the mail move smooth, but too much and you shit yerbrains out.-strange angels

Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts,” he declared. “I doubt if he could kill a duck.”Tyrion shrugged. “Fetch the duck.

Joy, humor, and laughter should be part of everyone’s spiritual life. They are gifts from God and help us enjoy creation.

Maybe I should let my faithful manservant answer the rest of your questions, since he seems to have all the answers.””I’m saving her time,” Bodie replied. “She brings you a redhead, you’ll give her grief....

Brick!”

I’m twice as twice as the guy in second place. My love comes first.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman – the idea of her.

It’s not wrong to hustle hustlers. It’s like killing murderers, a public service. -Damon Salvatore

I am different, just like everyone else. And as such, I celebrate by being the same. The world won’t see a truly unique person until the first human clone arrives.

They say opposites attract. Nobody ever said opposites live happily ever after.

…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs,...

A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

I tell people, “Yeah, I went to Harvard University.” What I don’t tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

Between video games and texting, how do our youth find the time to know everything?

A Spaniard and a Pole worked in the barbershop where we got our hair cut. An Italian shined our shoes. A Croat washed our car. This was America.

If you can’t forgive and forget, then pick one and do it …

The common denominator of all jokes is a path of expectation that is diverted by an unexpected twist necessitating a complete reinterpretation of all the previous facts — the punch-line…Reinterpretation alone is insufficient. The new...

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

I have outsourced my love to India. Call a call center if you want to hear how I feel.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home

If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.

The Theist tells us that the truth is god exists,the Atheist tells us that the truth is there is no god,while the truth tells us we don’t know.

Just like a woman to do things on her own time.

Feel free to look around, but being as though there aren’t any people eighteen or older here, stay off the bed. I’m not allowed to get pregnant this weekend.

We made love like the three minutes between 3:32 and 3:34. My endurance is even worse than my math.

No, I made small talk with Bessie, your shotgun, until you removed her double barrels from my kisser.”Violet and a typical conversation with Harvey

No. Don’t distract me with your sexy talk.

It has been our experience that American houses insist on very comprehensive editing; that English houses as a rule require little or none and are inclined to go along with the author’s script almost without...

In the action business, when you don’t want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it ‘taking cover.’ It’s more heroic.