She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.

If it had been great sex I doubt I’d remember he tooted between thrusts.

Nothing in life was ever clearly drawn, obviously just, or totally emotionally satisfying, but the moment-to-moment stuff of reality featured infinitely more complication, sleaze, struggle, true beauty, unfairness, profundity, passion, and depth of consciousness than...

Past age fifty-five, I experienced the advancement of exquisite fabric choices, paint distinctions that were celestial in scope, yet so many other man-made objects, such as people, became drab, redundant and boring.

The best things in life are the things you do by mistake.

Weeping willows always remind me of summer. And sadness. Please stop crying sweet tree.

If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n, because he might get jealous and meow at me.

We suffered for our art. You have to suffer for our art as well!

Yes, life is hard, but it’s not a bad way to pass the time. When all is said and done, I recommend it.

If you say renewable, I’ll think energy. If you say fore, I’ll think play. If you say binary, I’ll think anal defibrillator.

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama – Their father can order an assassination, don’t piss him off.

No, no. Don’t make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man’s confidence.

Making love is not my strength. Also, lifting weights is not my strength.

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

That’s the unforgivable sin, you know.””What is?””Refusing to forgive someone.””Refusing to forgive someone is the unforgivable sin?” I asked incredulously.

Check out that one at the end. He’s taken the form of a footstool. Weird…but somehow I like his style.””That is a footstool.

If I share your bottle of beer, I’ll take the left side.

Western doctors are like poor plumbers. They treat a splashing tube by cleaning up the water. These plumbers are extremely apt at drying up the water, constantly inventing new, expensive, and refined methods of drying...

It’s some homeless woman. She looks like she needs money and a good wash.” And I thought I’d already reached the lowest point of my day.

Nat: Maybe you broke something.Midge: I know. Never fall down, never fall down!Nat: Ah, it’s nothing. I fall down every morning. I get up, I have a cup of coffee, I fall down. That’s the...

A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.

I keep telling myself sensible things, but I never seem to listen!

Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.

My dearest girl,’ said the vampire finally, examining Lord Maccon with an exhausted but appreciative eye, ‘such a banquet. Never been one to favor werewolves myself, but he is very well equipped, now, is he...

Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don’t read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.Watch exercise shows on television, but don’t do the exercises. Practice believing...

When I go out to eat at restaurants, I don’t like chains. I prefer whips.

I don’t care what other people think about me. Most people are idiots, and they can think whatever they want.

If the gooseberry said: ‘I haven’t the heart to be a real proper gooseberry because if everyone were a gooseberry the world wouldn’t continue to exist’ this would be a stupid argument and the world...

A lighthearted prayer for Thanksgiving:May you have turkey in seasonCranberries for squeezin’Gravy (within reason)And leftovers worth freezin’!Amenby Merrill Miller of Scottdale, PA

When the war comes, you’ll find me on the front line, with some crayons, coloring outside the lines.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.

What two sides do I want with my dinner? The left and the right side.

The Sweater Song” was inspired by a legendary cat sweater I knitted.

I’m going to wake Peeta,” I say.”No, wait,” says Finnick. “Let’s do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.”Well, there’s so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We...

’Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin.

Teamwork: I love the idea of all for one—especially if that one is me.

I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle…. Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet...

You look too pretty to be useful.” “Truer words were never spoken.

My love is self-contained, like chips in a bag. Don’t eat it all at once.

My love sits on the stove like a cat with an oven mitt for an ass.

The irony of rule followers is they often quote a lot of people that do not follow as many rules as they do.

Ah, well, it never hurts to try.

To be in love is to be in two places at once. Zombies and Schrödinger’s cat are also in two places at once.

I’m a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I made dinner reservations for two, because I like eating alone. And I drink coffee by the bathtubful—but only while simultaneously taking a shower.

Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.