I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

No man can ever admire a woman the way she admires herself.

I’m strapped for cash, and I’m also strapped to a chair in someone’s basement.

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and...

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father…’ You don’t talk to you friends like that. ‘Ed, Ed, come over,...

Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast.

Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.

favorite” and thus had me at the first entirely inappropriate tweet flung my way.

The noisy jay swoops by and reviles me, he complains of my meow and my malingering.I too am not a bit subdued, I too am uncontrollable,I sound my splenetic yowl over the roof of the...

Since I can’t turn into a bat and fly, I’ll still need my bus pass

He spoke in a trembling voice that didn’t seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That’s because sound travels slower in halitosis.

I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.

I thought you liked the stick. You laughed.

Do you see those dull stars?” She outlined the formation with her finger.”A pentagram,” whispered Scott.”Yes, but not just any pentagram. Take a look through the telescope.”Scott approached the eyepiece.”They’re not stars!” “What do they...

Love means more to me than you’ll ever know. Well, unless the person reading this is my clone. But then my question is: what are you doing reading? Get back to work, slave, and make...

The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear.

You’re only young once. That is all society can stand.

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn’t let the dog in the recovery room.

Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.” So the brick and the pastor look at the politician, who turns around and leaves.

I’ll see a cat and instinctively start petting the hair on my back.

No. I’m really fast asleep,” came his voice from under the cowl.

I’m only saying what you won’t. He’s a hunk, admit it. A tall, dark, exotic hunk who wants to bed you, and you must be a fucking nun, because it’s been three weeks since you...

Word of advice – never ask a terrorist the question ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’.

I have a thing for evil bald bad guys. The Kurgan is too sexy.

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.

As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.

You’re in a rather odd mood today.”I’m soaking wet, Eloise.”No need to snap at me about it, I didn’t force you to walk across town in the rain.”It wasn’t raining when I left,”. There was...

Love and I have been a duo since empty banana peel.

Love is like a plant. We give it attention, it grows. We ignore it, it dies.

Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma’am. I’m not worth more than fifteen.

(There was an idea much beloved and written about by this country’s philosophers that magic had to do with negotiating the balance between earth and air and water; which is to say that things with...

I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.

Last month she’d read that a man’s connective tissue aligned horizontally with the skin, whereas a female’s went perpendicular—which was why women got lumpy cellulite and men didn’t. And doesn’t that totally prove that God...

Traveling through the Dragon’s Den, it has just been explained that Haroun, the Ifrit, has been caught in a mirror trap. Here is the passage that follows:”So,” said Silas. “Now there are only three of...

Is that a trick question?

How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

Fries Before Guys

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it’s safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

Thanks so much,” Daisy said as graciously as she could to the gift of edible underwear from her fiancé’s grandmother. She was pretty sure this wasn’t covered in any of the bridal etiquette guides.

You’re apologizing? Seriously, what happened to you? Have you been taken over by a pod person?

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

Then use a harpoon.

Do everything that makes you happy”? Even if it means hurting somebody else?

I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.

Some dogs look like giant mustaches. I shaved mine off because it was barking too much. My love life has improved by leaps and meows.

The man kisses me and I just hop right on him like he’s the hottest new ride at Disneyland.