I overreacted to praise, signing an autograph. I’d write a check to buy it back.

On the plus side, life doesn’t add up.

We contradict all for which we stand for we all stand for the lie the whole lie and nothing but the lie so help save our lying asses.

Every swamp has a silted lining.

If the mind fits, shrink it.

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear so don’t look and they’ll stay farther away than you expect they would.

90% of life is showing up. I’m staying home to wait for the other 10%.

When all seems hopeless, cross your fingers and stick with the secular prayer.

There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

I’ve been coerced into free will.

Wait now or wait, wait later.

That’s art. Nothing is for everybody.

War makes persons special, peoples cheap.

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an...

Ultimate meaning is meaningless. Meaning meaning means everything else.

I couldn’t stop so I quit.

Don’t stay in this now. You’ll fall behind.

Suicide solves midlife crises.

If you see me standing on my head, I’m trying to cheer you up with my frown. I need my honesty, you my pleasantry.

My life is so bad that it’s worse than it really is.

I recovered from recovering so no longer celebrate not doing bad things to defend myself as good. I added new bad for good measure.

When to others it’s not lying. It’s privacy.

I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.

Don’t hold grudges. Life’s too long.

Religions are popular in psych wards, especially religions with self-stylized heavens. Patients make suicide appeal this way.

The first casualty of war is casual wear.

They safely cured the world of sadness, wiser the Pfizer for it?

I can’t prove it yet know it when I seem it.

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

Our archaeological ancestry lost hair while growing sweat glands to reduce panting in the hot African sun. One outcome evolved the origin of our speech. Another conquered our ability to shut the hell up and...

All porn stars on Animal Farm are equal but some porn scenes are more unequal than others.

A bind is when you’re quadriplegic, suicidal about that and unable to persuade your best friend to murder you.

Fifty percent of life is ninety percent indecisive. The rest is confusing.

If life was fair … one third of the people would comprise of judges and lawyers … one third of police and prison officials … and one third of legislators … and one third more...

Spare the rod and spoil the Memorial Day rotisserie.

With good morality first candidates you’ll get bad candor, bad ethics, bad loyalty and bad morality – lastly bad odor will surface to save the day if you maintain good optimism like I do.

Life is short unless agony is long.

Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories.

To Americans, either/or means both.

I awoke to a daymare. Life.

I can’t answer you in a nutshell. We wouldn’t fit unless we saw the same shrink.

I forgot what I was going to think.

I hate feeling hate but feeling nothing feels worse.

Suicide ends for some patients so others call survival a feat – teamwork.

If sensing so badly of yourself you also sense a need to make me sense that, then I sense sadly that you cannot make better sense … sadder still if you cannot sense my sincerity.

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

There’s an ad for every vice. That’s advice.

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

If you sense so badly that you also sense a need to make me sense that, then I sense sadly that you cannot make better sense … sadder still if you cannot sense my sincerity.

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?