Love is a door leading to a better existence. But knock before entering, because behind that door I think grandpa’s taking a shit.

Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat....

I have sewn my own destruction, and it looks like a cat sweater. I knitted matching pants too, because that’s what lovers do. My feelings for you melted in the ice cream cone, and I’m...

For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.

People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly...

The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there.

I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.

I had to kill and eat my pet chicken. It was dinner for one, because the night before I killed and ate my grandpa.

I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and...

You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better...

The smell of silence looks like the ghost of my grandpa. My love is deeper than six feet of dirt, and considerably easier to shovel.

My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.

I had a dream about you. I asked you to dance, and you said you already had a partner. That was when I noticed you were embracing a mannequin, and I felt my face get...

I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.

The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was “Stop!” Thinking back, I don’t know if he was talking to me or the car that ran him over. I prefer to...

I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea, and considerably harder to stab than grandpa.

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

I go to my grandchildren. They keep their grandpa informed on what’s going on.

Grandpa often tells me I dance like my legs are engulfed in flames. I just go out there and put the fire of desire in women’s hearts.

The stranger was as white as a gallon of milk, and I felt the desire to pour his soul into my coffee. I’d drink him like the ghost of my grandpa.

My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure I’ll catch up to him.

Is there any other time to be dancing alone to 50s music than 5 AM? I wish my grandpa thought so, because I’m trying to sleep in the ballroom.

I unconsciously decided that, even if it wasn’t an ideal world, it should be so and painted only the ideal aspects of it – pictures in which there are no drunken slatterns or self-centered mothers...

On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he...

I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma smelled better.

I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie’s sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.

I want to bill Billings one penny at a time.” He died with five cents to his name. I was named after him—fifty years after him.

“Gladys, bring me some more damn soup.” Well, maybe he wasn’t talking to me, but it was still good to hear he was a romantic.

My grandpa doesn’t even have a grand to his name.

I’m still raising kids myself, so I don’t feel like a grandpa.

Your grandpa is a man that you can love until the end of your life. I love my grandpa and respect him. I cherish my grandpa while I have him.

I’d like to write a screenplay about my grandpa, and I’d like my future grandson to play the part. Talk about a mindfuck!