There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden’s brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.

She could be the love of my life, and I just met her. I’m 31 years old. She’s late.

I’ll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those...

Henry held up his taco- formerly Vlad’s- and grinned. ” Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”pg248 Henry to Vlad & Joss

I give up. What’s the use of having a man in the house?

Oh, man,” he mumbled with a full mouth. “At least the food is good.

I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.

The monkey didn’t help matters any. He was sitting on top of the microbus, just watching the undead plunge to their end. His face appeared so serene, so intelligent, as if he truly understood the...

I plead the fifth—and then I drank it. I was drunk on love, but wouldn’t admit it. I was also drunk on whiskey, but the breathalyzer outed me.

History is gossip that’s been legitimized, and that’s really the case when you get into some of the Roman historians. Wow! They’d be right at home on reality tv.

Ever director has at least 10 bad films in them.

Love with all your heart. And the rest of your body. Oh, and your mind, too.

My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it.

You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to “bite you” and threatening to kick them until they’re dead.

My nickname in high school was Catch 22. Not because I was a walking dilemma, but because I had 22 catches freshman year. The interesting part was that I didn’t play football, but that’s just...

Politics is the Art of Controlling Your Enviroment.

He snuffles. Oh, no.He’s not going to cry, is he? Because even though it’s sweet when guys cry, I am so not prepared for this.Girl scouts didn’t teach me what to do with emotionally unstable...

She was very close to my heart. Even though we were separated by a distance of 400 years, I was lying on her grave.

Growing up, I went through an awkward stage. It lasted from birth to last Tuesday.

You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you’re some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?

Of all the flowers from a rose to a carnation, I’d die for reincarnation.

Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.

I think I might be bi-polar. It’s not normal to be this emotionally unstable.

Reach into your heart and find the gold in it. Mine is shaped like an Olympic medal.

He graduated law school, but he didn’t pass the bar. No, he stopped in and got drunk.

This person has hoped and dreamed and now it is really happening and this person can hardly believe it. But believing is not an issue here, the time for faith and fantasy is over, it...

Back when I was growing up we didn’t have teleportation devices. We actually had to walk to school. In the snow. And shoes hadn’t even been invented yet.

A writer’s brain is full of little gifts, like a piñata at a birthday party. It’s also full of demons, like a piñata at a birthday party in a mental hospital. The truth is, it’s...

Then make sure nothing happens to you. This Kingdom needs a Queen who can show these men we’re not all delicate little flowers.

I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).

Everybody should have their own personal logo. Mine is a smiley face that’s winking, as if I’m passing on secret knowledge. But it’s not like I tell just anybody. My secrets are so sought after...

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

I’m rewarded, uh, I mean punished, with a slap to my backside.

Did I hear God call me an idiot?

Meow.

It’s like a meatloaf.

No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

Do you, Damon Chroi, sovereign of the Goblin Kingdom, take this woman, Diana Piper, to be your queen and wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, in...

They intend to make people’s very appetites the next weapon of uncountable destruction. They intend that your people will lust themselves into oblivion in front of little boxes of changing light. Addictive light. A light...

Humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle.

Cam’s wings were so bright they were almost blinding as they pulsed. “Holy Hell,” Callie whispered, blinking.”More or less,” Arriane said

There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.

While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the eastern philosophies and of course the teachings of Mohammed, I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were...

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, ‘Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?’ I said, ‘I wanted this girl and...

I don’t do ‘black music,’ I don’t do ‘white music’…I make fight music, for high school kids.

Maybe because you’re thinking right now that my tractor’s sexy.” Colby winked at her. Emma’s face turned a shade of beet red, and she threw her arms up in the air frustratedly. “Ugh! Can you...

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.