Of course, it is boring to read about boring thing, but it is better to read something that makes you yawn with boredom than something that will make you weep uncontrollably, pound your fists against...

Be that as it may, it may be maybe, or it may be May, Bee.

A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the admission booth.

The second orgasm has a biblical connotation.

Those darling byegone times, Mr Carker,’ said Cleopatra, ‘with their delicious fortresses, and their dear old dungeons, and their delightful places of torture, and their romantic vengeances, and their picturesque assaults and sieges, and everything...

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.

The expression ‘Those who can’t do, teach’ is a curious one, because if you look at the world , you’ll see that teachers aren’t particularly worse at doing things than anyone else, so perhaps the...

For dinner I had seared sneer with a glaze of distant gaze, and a side of mashed pride covered in grace.

Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.” An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and...

The easiest way to make money is to be funny. The easiest way to be regarded as funny is to have money.

My job is to draw little points on little graphs and to derive little information.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.

Is it painful?” the groundskeeper asked. “I am asking for science.

My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.

I shaved my pubic hair, glued it on a wig, and declared it art. No museum was willing to exhibit it. I should have sprinkled cheddar cheese on top and called it An Ode To...

Women have no appreciation of good looks-at least, good women have not.

Bottled, was he?” Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman’s sympathy for alcoholic excess. “Oh, well, can’t judge a fellow by what he does when he’s drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put...

You piss me off you Salmon… You’re too expensive in restaurants.

She is so tiresome. ‘Am I a vampire, am I a wolf, am I a vampire, am I a wolf, I cannot decide, so I’ll be both!

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone, I told you I loved you and you returned it. However, at white,...

The ages live in history through their anachronisms.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

If you’re like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled...

I hope you’re not smoking in front of her,’ Lucia says to him.’Yeah, I lie in bed and puff in her face, Lucia,’ he says, irritated.

He looked groggy, and he told me he didn’t get any sleep, so I handed him a cat, because that’s like extra sleep right there.

[…] for the philosophy of Square rendered him superior to all emotions, and he very calmly smoaked his pipe, as was his custom in all broils, unless when he apprehended some danger of having it...

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

I rap. I also wrap. It’s a gift I have.

Inside a wool jacket the man had made a pocket for the treasure and from time to time he would jiggle the pocket, just to make sure that it was still there. And when on...

Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying “Blood…blood…blood…blood…

I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments before your attack, I assumed the identity of a bowl of Jell-O. Later...

What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.American novels, answered Lord Henry.

Yes, his ear. I was attracted to his ear. While I was in church. I’m pretty sure that solidifies my position as the weirdest person on the planet.

I think I’d make a great cop, because I love pastries, respect that shines like metal on my chest, and anonymous envelopes stuffed full of cash just for turning my head to the left when...

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

A little part of me dies every time I try to commit suicide. If life is a buffet, I’m still in the mac and cheese phase. Maybe one day I’ll mature into more of a...

No, I’m digging a grave for you.” It was at this point that I unsheathed Chuck Norris’ right arm and sliced you with a karate chop.

Đàn bà trên bốn mươi luôn ẩn chứa những phẩm chất ma quái.

I like it.

Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down,...

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

He sniggered.He didn’t like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half...

I had a dream about you. It was raining, and you were anorexic and shaped like an umbrella. We fell in love like a desert has a dry sense of humor. I laughed so hard...

I refuse to be just another statistic. I’m empowering myself to be an informed, assertive, beautiful statistic!

You can’t trust just any old person who comes along with a hundred puffins and a pretty face!

I had a dream about you. I was a robot that looked like Robert the Bruce, and you were a Bruce that looked like a Robert. You also danced like a robot, and I danced...

At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase.”I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.”They’re for you.””You want me...