Tomorrow I don’t have to work, which means I don’t have to get up. I could just die in my sleep and nobody would care for 48 hours.

Stairs,” Valkyrie said, disappointed.”Not just ordinary stairs,” Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. “Magic stairs.””Really?””Oh, yes.”She followed him into the darkness. “How are they magic?””They just are.””In what way?””In a magicky way.”She...

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound, exactly like Beethoven when he wrote and discarded his 10th symphony.

The space is appropriately shoe-boxy and all the shelves are there. I’ve set them up with a coordinate system, so my program can find aisle 3, shelf 13 all by itself. Simulated light from the...

Wraith snorted. “Cowards. Seriously. Who brings a gun to a knife fight? That’s cheating.””You don’t have a gun?” Kynan asked.Wraith made a face of digust. “It’s not very sporting to shoot people.””So you’re saying that...

Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, “Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It’s just a gift from God I guess.

I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.

You sure about this writer thing son?

Martin Van Buren was a shitty guy. Not just because he was a bad president, and not just because he was pro-slavery. Van Buren was shitty in a very general sort of way. And with...

Your function as a critic is to show that it is really you yourself who should have written the book, if you had had the time, and since you hadn’t you are glad that someone...

very simple to earn in india, create a temple that’s it on the name of the any lord.

What I call talking to God, you may call talking to myself. Of course, I’m flattered that you’d think I am God.

Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.

This is stolen? We’re in a stolen jet?””Not stolen,” said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot’s seat.”Almost stolen,” Gracious corrected.”Semi-stolen,” said Donegan.”Quasi-stolen,” said Gracious. Aurora’s frown did not turn upside down. “So is it stolen or...

There are no normal people, there are just different kinds of weird, all of it is human and all humanity is better than everything inhuman. So I urge you to keep expressing yourself as honestly...

You know, people always talk about how Jesus came down to Earth as a human being. He became a human being, But no one ever takes into account what that means.

More than your circulatory system?”Eve silently kicked off the stilettos and backed up.

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

She said she was a loser, and I argued she was a winner. I won the argument, thus losing the argument because my winning made her a loser.

Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).

One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.

Nothing goes so well with a hot fire and buttered crumpets as a wet day without and a good dose of comfortable horrors within. The heavier the lashing of the rain and the ghastlier the...

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.

He grinned, and right then it occurred to him that he hadn’t enjoyed himself so much with a woman in a very long time. If Annabelle Granger were a few inches taller, a hell of...

You make me sound like an arrogant ass,” he said.”Are you?””No! I’m just me.

The first airplanes looked more like flying furniture than the soaring dildos of today.

The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

[She] lost her patience, a thing she was all too prone to misplacing.

What?! It wasn’t enough for you to shoot me and kidnap me, so you had to go and butcher my hair? IS THAT IT?” she yelled at the top of her lungs.

Even Cronus, the Titan who literally had his kids for breakfast, would find these facts hard to swallow.

[A]s Agatha Swanburne once said, ‘To be kept waiting is unfortunate, but to be kept waiting with nothing interesting to read is a tragedy of Greek proportions.

The institution asked me to speak and say a few words. So, knowing a few is three, I said, I love you.

Touch her, and I’ll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

When he misbehaves, I’ll clap and then point at my cat, as if transmitting the sting of the slap towards him in punishment.

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice cream melts in the Sahara.

Ik wilde niet aan haar denken en me op de mantra concentreren: MAAA, zei ik bij het inademenen en OEEMMM bij het uitademen. MAAA… het was vast al bijna twee uur… OEEMMM. MAAA… je zou...

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.

I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

Cover your glass in France or Germany –even worse, in England – and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will ask why you’re not drinking. ‘Oh, I just don’t feel...

It was a needless precaution, I felt sure, but men always enjoy marching around with weapons and flexing their figurative muscles, and I saw no reason to deny them this harmless exercise.

We made love like three seasons, but I didn’t fall.

Time for the likeliest story since Mary told Joseph it was God’s.

There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn’t breakfasted. It’s only after...

After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator shaft?

My fur is silky, damn it.

Ever seen a cat with polka-dotted zebra fur? Come to my House of Love Open House this Friday night at 8:00 PM.