I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

Take any two-year-old through a car wash and their skulls are blown. FLAPS! FOAM! ROLLING THINGS! It’s the closest they’ll ever get to being inside a working spaceship.

Number eight of the ten Amazon commandments: never fight an opponent face-to-face if you couldn’t defeat him. Wait and stab him in the back later.

Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.

Perhaps she can ride the packhorse with our gear.”Arla gave a strangled gasp, and the Boy grinned at her. She realised he was joking, and breathed a sigh of relief. But she did not trust...

It’s about time! It’s supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon.

I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?

When two are united as one, I’ll be there. And so will someone else.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

You’re thinking I’m one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I’m not. I say its a free country...

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with...

I had a dream about you. We were running on the beach, holding hands. It was a nude beach, but we were the only ones wearing clothes. You wore a bikini, and I wore my...

Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

How’re we getting to King’s Cross tomorrow, Dad?” asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding.”The Ministry’s providing a couple of cars,” said Mr. Weasley.Everyone looked up at him.”Why?” said Percy curiously.”It’s because of...

He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did...

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

I was raised in a fishing village in the middle of the desert. I sold hellos and goodbyes just to get by.

Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . ....

I’m Crusty,” he said, with a tartar-yellow smile.I resisted the urge to say, Yes, you are.

Because I’d already done it… does that make sense?

They mean hot like ‘I’m too good for you I got my own money don’t be frontin’ me.’ You’re more like ‘Be my boyfriend I’ll make you cookies come meet my dad ‘ know what...

I’ve aged more this past week than I did in all six days that preceded it. Will you still love me tomorrow, when I’m an older man?

To increase my business, I gave myself the illusion of popularity. I did that by halving the size of my parking lot—so it looks twice as full. It’s this sort of tactical maneuvering, and preference...

This damn ring had derailed her life. No wonder Gollum had gone insane.

Come on.

Someday, my young friend, you’ll find out that girls are actually people too. Just like you and me.

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts...

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

The king died, and then the queen died of a broken heart. Her secret lover left her for a younger woman.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Me Tarz-tosterone; You Estro-Jane

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).

It’s kind of depressing, if you think about it. I mean, me being so young, and yet so cynical and suspicious.

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.

A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the admission booth.

Nothing spices up one’s sex life like having a partner.

norris didn’t cry, but he was apt to puke on them, the way he had puked on homer gamache that time he had found homer sprawled in a ditch out by homeland cemetary, beaten to...

Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.

Eyes narrowed, Judd stared at the structure as if at a mortal enemy. Slapping his fellow lieutenant on the shoulder, Riaz said, “Don’t even think about it.” A pissed-off telekinetic versus the complex metal pylons...

Rhode Island knows, but is Del aware?

Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.” An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and...

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?” the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. “Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.

Lucy: I don’t understand men.Nettie: What is there to understand? If you feed ’em regular-like and give ’em a bit of ‘sugar’ now and then, they’re easy enough. And if they don’t behave, you just...

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It’s my...

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.