I watched a lot of YouTube videos of cute geeky girls playing ’80s cover tunes on ukuleles. Technically, this wasn’t part of my research, but I had a serious cute-geeky-girls-playing-ukuleles fetish that I can neither...

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

Human sperm is liquefied dandelion florets, and an estimated one out of every thousand children are born as flowers. This is an indisputable fact, just as being love can elongate the genitals to cucumber-like proportions....

Midgets smell like small, and I’m in the mood for a medium, like a large coffee from Starbucks.

And here is the shocking plot twist: as farmers produced those extra calories, the food industry figured out how to get them into the bodies of people who didn’t really want to eat 700 more...

Michael nodded tersely, eyeing a table across the room. It was empty. So empty. So joyfully, blessedly empty.He could picture himself a very happy man at that table.”Not feeling very conversational this evening, are we?”...

You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!

I don’t know but it’s nice to sound optimistic, wouldn’t you agree.

To the champ, everything is serious business. I’m hoping that he’ll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude.

they should let some people into the library by prescription only

he said.

Unearth marvels as you walk the path,Stand in awe,Therein is the joy of life.

—Simplemente no te agrada Ash.—No es que me desagrade. —Dee se salió fuera de la cama y se disparó por la habitación, apareciendo al lado de su ventana—. Simplemente creo que es una perra.Dawson se...

I had a dream about you. We lived in an environmentally friendly future where nobody drove cars. Everybody rode roller coasters to wherever they needed to go. Well, everybody but midgets, who were kept in...

Oh my god, I am a banana.

I remember the very day, sometime during the first two weeks of my five-year amorous sojourn in Brutland, when I was made privy to one of the most arcane of their utterings. The time was...

I’m a romantic. I enjoy candle-lit breakfasts, and long walks in wheelchairs.

Sometimes I’ll read a book and feel it was written just for me. Then I’ll flip the book over to look at the cover to see who wrote it, only to discover that it feels...

Timothy bit the inside of his lip and pretended to nod sagely. Things were starting to sound a little far-fetched again. “Man,” he said, “that’s… that’s rough. I’ve heard that being a dragon servant totally...

Ryan couldn’t believe his eyes. Gran wearing leather chaps in a Harley shop, talking about her ass. It was a living nightmare.”What am I doing here?” he asked Gran. Before he could read her the...

How could I persuade the in-laws I was the right one for their daughter when, instead of focusing on small talk, all I could think about was not to kill them? I could only imagine...

It is my joy to share with present and future generations these stories so full of humor, warmth, and adventure – and so rich in the rural culture of the early 1900’s.

I know that look.” I put one arm out in from of me. He didn’t stop. “Chris, we have to get going.” I backed up, scooting over to put the couch between us.”What?” He feigned...

He’s a buying dude, and I’ve got to sell him something—like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)

I bought a five-pound sack of sugar. Now I just need to buy a cup of coffee to dump it in.

Learn rules carefully so you can break them properly

Shut up. Don’t make me tell you again.”We shut up, which I find hysterically funny.

Ah, yes. The dreaded goopy mouth.

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.

If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.

I’m not rich in paper money, I’m rich in packets of sugar. Actually, I’m richer, because at least the packets of sugar have some real value.

The world is in crisis. What crisis?

Vous eprouves trop d’emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will...

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Felicity and Ann hunched over their ornaments as if they were fascinating relics from an archaeological dig. I note that their shoulders are trembling, and...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

I’ve noticed you only speak ghetto half of the time.” – Stephanie”I’m multi-lingual,” Rancher said.I followed him to the door, feeling jealous, wishing I knew a second language.

I didn’t want to go to hell, but even the idea of reclaining my halo scared me because it would mean leaving Aly.

He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to...

I never knew what love was until after I got divorced. But I’ve always been a bit dyslexic.

What are you, Zombie Slayer Barbie?” The big man in the back barked a laugh. “You’ll pay for that one.

My dick didn’t seem to be aware that she was there. She kept asking me what was wrong, and I was so out of it that I thought she meant what was wrong with the...

Snuggle time is my favorite time. Well, that and 12:34 and 3:33. And the time between when I take my first sip of coffee at 8 AM and when I finally wake up, at 5:00...

It takes normal people years to pick up on all those little phrases. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel, when I can’t even say ‘Hello, my name is Palta…Oh, and by the...

Comamandering is not a word.It has letters, doesn’t it? Sounds like a word to me.

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be...

Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be...

Lysistrata: Oh, Calonicé, my heart is on fire; I blush for our sex. Men will have it we are tricky and sly…Calonicé: And they are quite right, upon my word!Lysistrata: Yet, look you, when the...

A guilty conscience is jealousy’s playground.

Love is the last thing on my mind right now. But of course it’s the last thing on my mind, because I was just thinking about it. I always think about love when I’m not...

Use Jesus Motor Fuel—Put a savior in your tank!