I had a dream that Zac Effron showed up at my door shirtless with a bouquet of flowers..yep, I’m still waiting on that one to come true.

I give everybody my love, and therefore nobody gets my love. I’m freedy—free and greedy.

Gintoki: Listen up! Let’s say you drink too much strawberry milk, and have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, but it’s cold outside your bed. You don’t want to get up,...

If you’re alive, kick into drive. Chase whimsies. See if you can turn dreams into a way to make a living, if not an entire way of life.

That’s what being alive is, Thing! It’s being badly prepared for everything! Because you only get one chance, Thing!

Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them...

Xingu!” she scoffed. “Why, it was the fact of our knowing so much more about it than she did—unprepared though we were—that made Osric Dane so furious. I should have thought that was plain enough...

I can’t believe you just did that! Are you crazy?”I gripped the steering wheel tighter. “Why do people keep asking me that?”He turned to stare at me, his eyes worried. “Who else keeps asking you...

Because there’s no way on earth she’s going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around

If women were as good as men they’d be a lot better!

Women rule the world; we just let our men think they do.

I could rant about political corruption until I’m blue in the face, but most people would just call me a Smurf and move on. My balls are also blue, but that is another subject, and...

There’s nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn’t even have to matter what they’re laughing about.

Well, at least I am an orange”.

It takes a lot of wind to sail a leaky boat.

If you’re going to sit on someone’s tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?

I had a dream about you. It was just you and me at the table, and there were two pieces of apple pie available. You thought it worked out perfectly, but I thought it was...

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious...

I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet.

That woman doesn’t have the sense God gave a retarded flea.

The fact is, I’m being attacked by extraterrestrials. They’re invisible, and now, even as I write this, my anus is bleeding. Science turns into sexual harassment when the aliens probe my ass with dildos, cucumbers,...

Creo que no me equivoco al pensar, querido mío, que naciste justo a mitad del invierno, ,no es así?-No-contestó Harry-.Nací en julio.

An as-yet-unpublished poet in Boulder, Colorado, once said to me that anything worth doing was worth doing badly. I may seem, in the foregoing sketchy pages, to have followed her advice rather too well.

I used to think that looking across a pillow into the fabulous face of Buster Keaton would be a more thrilling destiny than any screen career.

Anyway, it’s like with bikes,’ said the first speaker authoritatively. ‘I thought I was going to get this bike with seven gears and one of them razorblade saddles and purple paint and everything, and they...

Even for the most excitable preacher, there was nothing inherently sinful about a waffle.

Ernestine used to remark, in a tone tinged with envy, that Lill was probably New Jersey’s youngest gold digger, and that few adult gold diggers ever had received more, in return for less.

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

A wise man once said that any human being is capable of infinite achievement, so long as it’s not the work they’re supposed to be doing.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

You just noticed? You’re slow…

Adrian was easily distractible by wacky topics and shiny objects.

I want to buy designer sunglasses and change my name to The Lunar Child III. It would make me a better lover, but it’s impossible for me to be a better lover than I already...

A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

All masculine, hard-bodied and sensual, he was a deadly weapon sent by the gods to drive women mad, and a walking billboard for all things wicked and carnal. Orgasms! Get your orgasms here. Hot and...

My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

If humor and rumor are needed more than faith and truth, then it tells me something about the kind of world we live today.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Artists have to have a good eye. And to be great, I’d recommend having two.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

people don’t generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something

You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was...

The notion that inspired play (even when audacious, offensive, or obscene) enhances rather than diminishes intellectual vigor and spiritual fulfillment, the notion that in the eyes of the gods the tight-lipped hero and the wet-cheeked...

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

I’ve never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple...

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?