PISTOL-Say’st thou me so? is that a ton of moys? Come hither, boy: ask me this slave in French What is his name.Boy-Ecoutez: comment etes-vous appele?French Soldier-Monsieur le Fer.Boy- He says his name is Master...

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

If you ask me for a book to read, I’ll hand you a soda can. Start there.

She’d run over Dankyo in an instant to get to Theo. Be a darn big bump in the road, but she’d do it.

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

Stop begging the question – get a job and earn the question like everyone else.

Don’t ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

He kills her in her own humor.

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn’t feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. “Do I look dead to you?

Ah ha!’ the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. ”The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

One day, we will live in a world without salads. It is a dream I have.

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

Blood rushed to the regions of my body that I associated with naughtiness, and I was powerless to stop it.

We laugh, that we may not cry.

Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start...

A radio in a song in an ice cream cone. Two licks for free, and the third is for sale. My favorite flavor tastes like a commercial, because it’s made with 100% natural advertisement.

Dragons are among the most ancient spirits. Their origins are not known, but they significantly predate the rise of man. [This author advises the reader never to ask a dragon about the early days of...

One of the things you never want to be in this life is boring. But once, sad to say, I put my cat to sleep. Who knew you could euthanize any living creature by reading...

Redaction marks are the truth dressed in black burqa.

Mankind’s biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind’s second, infallible.

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

Despite wearing a Rolex, I have no time.

Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in...

I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

Are you always so cynical?’ said Angelica.’No,’ said Katherine. ‘Sometimes I’m asleep.

When she says ‘I’ve never done this before” she just means with you

When you are being judged by someone that has no idea who you are always remember this: Dogs always bark at strangers and usually there is always some wacko neighbor that wants to try out...

Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and I won’t wait forever.

I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago. If they say I have the wrong number I’ll tell them, No, right...

Okay, don’t get mad.” She pulled out my stake — or at least something that looked like my stake,only the hilt of it was now covered in bright blue crystals and diamond-like gems.”You Bedazzled my...

I haven’t personally met God yet, but when I do, I’ll ask him if he still believes in you. I’m sure he does.

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

I like your manner, Reginleit. Life is long without humor.

Modern literature is a north-east wind–a blight of the human soul. I take credit to myself for having helped to make it so. The way to produce fine fruit is to blight the flower. You...

I’m not that shallow, asshole. I don’t need money. It’s way more important for them to be good-looking.

My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.

Moderation is the key to old age and the doorway to boredom

A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future.

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau’s assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

It don’t do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing.

The Book of Life, I’m still writing it—both literally and literarily. So far I’ve written the Table of Contents. Right now it’s more of a coffee table.

If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m...

Doesn’t like you? She hates you!

If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.

Kiss the girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.

I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam....

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it...