I heard the car door shut and then Fabian’s voice. “You won’t believe what I found around the edge of your property,” the ghost announced. “A cave with prehistoric painting inside it!” I rolled my...

Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable?

A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick and break it, but can you punch a brick, shatter it, and then...

Yes, I was standing on nothing but congealed starlight. Yes, I was walking up through a savage storm, the wind threatening to tear me off and throw me into the freezing waters of Lake Michigan...

Peyton, I’m not married and you’re not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.

A brick could be employed to stop global warming, by using it to clog up the world’s smallest volcano. I would use my penis to plug up the hole, but it already burns while I...

I can eat you at breakfast, not because I am a monster; it is only because you are too cute and yummy.

…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs,...

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down

I couldn’t care less about being a presenter at the Oscars.

A blanket could be used to keep me from exploding. My patience is wearing thin, and my clothes are also wearing thin, and in some spots you can see through the material, so a blanket...

It’s probably around here somewhere, but I suppose you want the parts attached, too.

Susan is just great. I know I’m biased, but she’s a great actress.

A blanket, no matter how thin, could be sliced thinner, and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a multitude of people warm. But not that warm.

I need to get ready. Ash? Touch the food and I won’t take you for a driving lesson tomorrow. Dad? Touch it and I’ll make you take him for a driving lesson tomorrow.”Dad backed away...

I was obsessed with being rich and famous.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams Week” Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month “leave” I wonder if he will be “Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn’t been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn’t figured out why a strong, strapping werewolf would want one. Orlando said it was because he’d customized it....

Can I come in?No! I’m in a towel!I’m blind!

You’re not going to campus. You’re going out to get drunk and play with other ladies’ boobies.” – Kye

loosing character is not easy, behind lots of hard work

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.

…, and sometimes there’s just no point in arguing with him. “Yeah, okay ‘me, Jeff, and Evan, sitting in a tree…'”Chris claps his hands triumphantly. “That’s right, baby!” Than a more serious expression comes across...

Ish #303 “It’s a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

Oh, Micheal darling!””Don’t call me darling, I’m a driving instructor!

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in...

I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thyeyes—and moreover, I will go with thee to thy uncle’s.

A brick could be used as a cuddle partner. Just glue some fur on it and voila! It’s as good as snuggling with any dead animal you find on the side of the highway. (Which...

Pity, I’ve learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can’t stand anyone else’s.

Holy broken nose, Batman!

A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you, which is good for me, and bad for you.

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. “Right. It’s just that… He died. And I’m so freaking pissed off, I swear I’d punch him in the face if he were standing right here.

(About sweeping)….What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero

I’m dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That’s seven men. I’m like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty.

It makes you more open, it gives you perspective, having a child.

A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man.

Otulissa swelled up to twice her normal size. ‘Well, SPRINK ON YOUR SPRONK!

Prayers For Rain’ begins like practically every Cure song, with an introduction that’s longer than most Bo Diddley singles. Never mind the omnipresent chill, why does Robert Smith write such interminable intros? I can put...

Truly competent Literary Detectives are as rare as truthful men, Mr. Tweed — you can see her potential as clearly as I can. Frightened of someone stealing your thunder, perhaps?

Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

The comic strip is what I looked at, and it’s another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behavior, interested me.

Shaking herself, Petunia looked around. Several of her sisters had been talking to her, but she hadn’t heard them. “And that answers our questions about why he gave himself up,” Poppy was saying, a smile...

Haven’t you ever heard of the saying, “If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!”?’ –LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!’ –Ed

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean.