My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Our lips met hungrily, and his clever artistic hands wrapped around my hips. A sudden buzz from my regular cell phone startled me from the kissing.”Don’t,” said Adrian, his eyes ablaze and breathing ragged.”What if...

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset...

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” – Owen

I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

I don’t believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that’s the truth.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories—...

And my piece of advice is…don’t flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.

I’m going to take a shower,” I said and prepared for the comment I knew was coming. “You know what they say, conserve water and shower with a friend.

I’m out of here.

Spartacus,” I called, “how’s it hanging?” Probably not too well. Once you’re dead, had your organs removed, and are resurrected as an undead mummified cat, your testicles probably looked like old raisins that had rolled...

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

She didn’t break his heart, but I feel like a man is supposed to be a man, he ain’t supposed to be all involved in that. That’s why she got sisters and friend for. Just...

You don’t have any friends, your sister dumped you, you’re a freak eater..and you’ve got some weird thing about Simon Snow.””I object to every single thing you just said.”Reagan chewed. And frowned. She was wearing...

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

“He loved her…It was noble of him. It was beautiful.”-“It was stupid.

It was funny. I gave her the sheet and she said, ‘Mrs. Solar, I’m sweating.’ She was stunned.

Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench.

And the geek shall inherit the Earth.

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]Since I’m an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn’t care less — it’s not like it’ll have any impact on me,...

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

She turns to us, acts surprised to see us, then does the bit with the back of the hand to the forehead. “You’re lost!” “You’re angry!” “You’re in the wrong school!” “You’re in the wrong...

I cannot go to school today”Said little Peggy Ann McKay.”I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I’m going blind in my right eye.My...

Are you coming back to campus or you sticking around here with the prick?

She’s strong! And scary…I bet she’s single…I’d put money on it..

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.

The door opens with a rusted jingle, and an animatronic Santa insults my moral virtue three times. Ho, ho, ho.

Rumo!” said Rumo. “That’s right!” Smyke exclaimed. “You Rumo, me Smyke.” “You Rumo, me Smyke.” Rumo repeated eagerly. “No, no.” Smyke chuckled.

What the heck kind of name was Sir?

I said, names aren’t important,” he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: “Do you know what is important?”Will shook his head.”Supper is important!

Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.

Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.

All the kids with fancy shoes or clothes, do you know what I got with a family of nine? When ever we said let’s play poker, we had a full team of adults right there.

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

He things we think he’s a double agent, working for them but secretly working for us. He doesn’t know we know he’s a triple agent, working for them but secretly working for us but really...

Ali was a lucky, lucky girl having those two big hot men at her disposal. Not that Roslyn wasn’t content with her one surly man, but still…two. Some people were enjoying their apocalypse a little...

I think it’s because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that’s real.

I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.

Instead of the calendrical terms Monday, Tuesday and so forth, we cheerfully offer the following surrogates. Use them freely and often, for their use honors us all. For Sunday, please use Sunshine. For Monday. pleasy...

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. “How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. ‘I can take ’em. I don’t need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.’ How’d that...

Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?

Yes she met with a slight accident involving a stake.” Ash said “funny how that happens sometimes…

Stupid male ego.

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.

You take the words in the sense which is most damaging to the argument.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.