The safe and cultural method of eating crackers in bed is to wear a diver’s suit instead of pajamas.

Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?

My fur coat doesn’t need to be dry cleaned, because it’s self-cleaning. It’s constantly licking its fur to keep itself clean. Beats walking through a car wash, like I used to do when I worked...

Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.

I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts.

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

If you want walking dolphins and talking sandwiches, you’re lucky to have me buying shoes for you—and selling them to you. I’ll give you the best price (for myself), because business is better when love...

The reflexive allergy to L.A. that a lot of New Yorkers have, I feel like it’s kind of nonsense.

The Red Queen shook her head. “You may call it ‘nonsense’ if you like,” she said, “but I’ve heard nonsense, compared with which that would be as sensible as a dictionary!

Well, Diotallevi and I are planning a reform in higher education. A School of Comparative Irrelevance, where useless or impossibe courses are given. The school’s aim is to turn out scholars capable of endlessly increasing...

Saya menulis, anda hanya pembaca…

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

I’m into extreme sports. Well, just one—cuddling.

Ever seen a cat with polka-dotted zebra fur? Come to my House of Love Open House this Friday night at 8:00 PM.

I’ll gyrate my hips at irate guests to generate income for the generations.

It’s her favorite movie. She’s one-year-old. It’s also her grandma’s favorite movie. Her grandma is three-years-old.

Boats should be shaped more like shoes. Better for dancing. The only thing I’m better at than dancing is making love, and grandmas all over Memphis say they haven’t seen moves like mine since after...

My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That was mighty kind of them.

…I would not engage the wombatIn any form of mortal combat.

Sense isn’t democratic. An opinion uttered by 99 people does not necessarily make more sense than an opposing opinion that was uttered by one person.

How do you know nonsense isn’t a good thing? if human nonsense had been nurtured and developed for centuries, just as intelligence has, then perhaps something extraordinarily previous could have come from it.

We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

It was badly received by the generation to which it was first addressed, and the outpouring of angry nonsense to which it gave rise is sad to think upon. But the present generation will probably...

Quarrel? Nonsense; we have not quarreled. If one is not to get into a rage sometimes, what is the good of being friends?

Smee! Raise the Ladies!

I met a man with no forehead and receding eyebrows. He had ketchup crusted on his eyelids. I can’t remember what we talked about, I just remember him smelling like chicken feed.

I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I have no job and no money. So please accept this stack of coupons...

So weenybeenyveenyteeny.

Most propositions and questions, that have been written about philosophical matters, are not false, but senseless. … (They are of the same kind as the question whether the Good is more or less identical than...

Can’t you see that I’m only advising you to beg yourself not to be so dumb?

PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.

Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?

Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when falling in love today requires wearing a helmet.

Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.

Michael Phelps collects huhs. Huh? His mouth said nothing, but his actions said it all.

My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones each night to use after I’m dead. The best time to make love...

I wake up to write stuff down all night. Useful things like this: To more efficiently make love nocturnally, I must combine the best characteristics of bats, bears, and my Uncle Norman who disappeared in...

To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.

There’s so much nonsense tossed around about L.A. and how horrible it is and ‘don’t go out there’ and all that stuff. So I went out to L.A. and I was pleasantly surprised.

The Mad Gardener’s SongHe thought he saw an Elephant, That practised on a fife:He looked again, and found it was A letter from his wife.’At length I realise,’ he said, ‘The bitterness of Life!’He thought...

We’ll have to see,” Belbo said. He rummaged in his drawer and took out some sheets of paper. “Potio-section…” He looked at me, saw my bewilderment. “Potio-section, as everybody knows, of course, is the art...

They keep telling us that in war truth is the first casualty, which is nonsense since it implies that in times of peace truth stays out of the sick bay or the graveyard

It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?

She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box of toothpicks.

I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost...

It’s hot as a watermelon in this cantaloupe called pineapple. And that’s a fact.

Licorice stops erections at the source—the crotch. It also helps against certain poisons, like love.

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!