I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.

I had a dream about you. We almost made love in the produce section of your local grocery store, but when I asked if you brought protection, you told me you’d forgotten the coupons at...

It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?

The greatest sense is indistinguishable from the greatest nonsense.

To finish a work? To finish a picture? What nonsense! To finish it means to be through with it, to kill it, to rid it of its soul, to give it its final blow the...

I keep hearing about a spiritual awakening, but I feel what we need instead is a human one. It would be wonderful and empowering to become free from the disillusionment and nonsense being sold to...

How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask-half our great theological and metaphysical problems-are like that.

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

Some people will make nonsense excuses to avoid things they have no interest in doing.

In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.

On the frozen tundra, I milked a cow and pumped out ice cream. Strangely, it had chunks of strawberries in it.

The very thing keeping me alive is also killing me—love. No wonder the rose symbolizes both love and death. They should have a deal where if you buy a dozen roses you get a free...

You will know my power when you feel me compress you into a ball and bowl with you. I make love like I just rented these fabulous shoes.

I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the scissors and the condom.

I know I’m going to be successful, regardless. I’m a no-nonsense guy.

To be sure about nonsense he had to be able to classify it, assign it to a family tree of liberal nonsense, humanist-humanitarian nonsense, academic nonsense, Protestant nonsense, Freudian nonsense and so on.

The evolution of sense is, in a sense, the evolution of nonsense.

I must say the idea of a United Africa was nonsense.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of love, and to end world hunger.

When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I’ll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I’ll feel, she’ll be feeling older. Twelve years older.

I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like the pizza delivery boy while I rang.

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

My cat likes to wake me up by licking my armpit. Never before have I had such a romantic alarm clock. It’s true, man, I should have been born Harry Truman. He could have been...

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

I was supposed to be gutted but that’s all nonsense. I’m happy as I am. I’m single and not looking for anything. I have a great collection of mates I can talk to,

that makes it damn nearly impossible for me to say anything. I’ve lost the knack of making sense. I speak gibberish to the civilized world, and it replies in kind.

When people get into their 30s plus “boyfriend” sounds weird…if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term “manfriend” or “snookie bookie cuddles pie”.

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.

Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

Helen Kelleresque.

If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I...

Poetry is sublime nonsense.

Board the cows! We’ve come to enslave your marigolds.

Of course, if we do find the Great Glom, we will see other gloms as well,” said Dottia. “I mean, he will not exist alone, will he? Mythic creatures like him are often spoken of...

It made hard-core people harder core, … Ultimately it had a good effect because it made such nonsense of so many views about guns.

Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

Seeking a woman who looks like a feminized version of L. Ron Hubbard to help me decode intergalactic messages that I might receive on my Alien Communication Helmet. And after we receive and decode the...

Love gives you wings. Icarus and the Challenger both had wings, and so did my first love letter, after I folded it up and flung it at my crush.

Ma’am, I can take either you or your purse, but I can’t take both. And honestly, I’d rather take your purse.

I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around barefoot for a week, in honor of a man who died a senseless...

I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.

Sometimes to make no move is to make the wrong move. That’s how I fell in love with a statue. We just sat still and I formed a connection.

Pick up a thing,” [Wizard Kadmeion’s]mother would say. “Touch, smell, and taste it. Listen to its nonsense. Then put the funny thing in its proper place.

I love to talk about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.

When the person you love can’t see your love for them beneath the painful things you say when they reject you, remember this: Love is blind.

When I was young, most teachers of philosophy in British and American universities were Hegelians, so that, until I read Hegel, I supposed there must be some truth to his system; I was cured, however,...