Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was...

I’m an organic kind of guy. To paraphrase Fight Club, The food you eat, ends up eating you. It’s true! Just think of all the chemicals found in modern foods. Take bleach, for instance. There’s...

It’s time to scrap the archaic and oppressive paradigm of ‘client states.’ I propose a friendlier, more sustainable concept: pet states.

Starting tomorrow, I will stop procrastinating. Or, of I’m too busy putting things off, I’ll start the following day.

I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling…awkward when it comes to you.””‘Awkward’ is the word du jour,” I agreed. “So, I make you nervous?””Not quite nervous,” he said. “Just unsettled.”I wriggled my...

Don’t worry, the situation is undercontrolled

My vagina already has its own mustache.

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?

Charles Schultz: Don’t be afraid the world will end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.The Covert Comic: I’ve been calling Australia all morning, and there’s no answer.

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

They walked to school, talking about how much they were longing for the summer holidays.”Oh, I am planning things,” said Jamie. “Great, great things. I could join a band.””You gave up the guitar after two...

Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.

I almost forgot to tell you – you have the right to remain silent, but if you do, my boys at the station will process your bones to help you confess.

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.

Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans.

I never got to take Agatha to the prom. I never took anybody. At the time I was OK with going alone, but now it pisses me off. Since even Sam said no to me,...

Her mouth set. “I’ve already lost one man I loved tonight. I will not lose the other.” She glared at him. “And curse you, you stone head, for making me say it first.

I design, manufacture, distribute, and sell elevator buttons. I specialize in the fourth floor. And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m such a good salesman that I could sell one of my fourth-floor elevator...

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on theroad an hour.

I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.

Patient prefers to be called Dick.

Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.

What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I’m dying remember? Dying people don’t have time for silly moods

Comedy. It was just huge in my house. Peter Sellers and Alec Guinness, Monty Python and all those James Bond movies were highly regarded.

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

My Dad was from Liverpool, and he picked it up in the army. He’d often come out with this stuff.

A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.

If you don’t do anything stupid when you’re young, you won’t remember something funny when you’re old.

but if you don’t get out of my way right this instant, it won’t matter.”Adam was the Alpha werewolf in charge of the local pack. He was tough. He could be mean when he had...

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

Satisfaction is not the achievement of what we want, but the awareness of what we have.

I’ve done tangos with men who thought my ass was a squeaky toy.

A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski about it.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

You ‘accidentally’ touched his bottom? Didn’t that happen when you last saw him aswell? Surprising how often that seems to be a problem.

If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die.

I have a free couple of hours,” I told him, walking toward my car, which was parked on the next block. “There’s a very private, very secluded barn in Lookout Hill Park behind the carousel....

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who’s at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

In sum,” Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, “Our defense will be…?” He looked to Matt for the answer/”Blame the other guy,” Matt said.”Which other guy?””Yes.””Huh?””We blame whoever we can,” Matt said....

When I sell liquor, it’s bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it’s hospitality.

I’d rather have rabies than be in love.””Why?””Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.

Kevin”, his father began, “I’ve been thinking about it – I guess I was kind of carried away. It’s just that I’ve waited so long for my old school to make it to the Regionals…...

She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.””The plant war,” Percy said. “You’re going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?

Doode,” George said.He’d practiced all morning but still didn’t get it quite right. “Nope, more u, less oo. Duuude.””Dude.””Dude.””Okay, dude.” George nodded. “How’s it hanging?” Jack asked. “How am I supposed to answer that?” George...

By the light,” he said, when he had mastered himself. “I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had...

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

We were talking about the prince,’ Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast....

I was afraid these new shoes would not be sturdy enough.