My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

The US Intelligence Community: ark and flood in one package.

Jewelry takes people’s minds off your wrinkles

I want to take all the pain of humanity, ball it up into a compressed, black 16-pound sphere, add three holes in a triangular formation to it, and use it to bowl a strike.

You can’t plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Love is, just like isn’t isn’t is.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

GOD. Sometimes I think there might be a god out there, and that every once in a while he tunes in to see what we’re up to, and have a good laugh at how we...

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

She’s your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you’re angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth…Look, there they are.

Are you wearing space pants?” Miranda asked him.”What?”How did it end? oh, right. “Because your butt is fine.”He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. “I think-”...

I have a memory like an elephant penis, and it shows. Especially when I wear tight pants. My mind bulges with thoughts of Agatha and I.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn’t have...

I belong, and my penis, it be long.

A text pops up on the screen. It’s from Luis. I can’t help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.Luis: Hey

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a...

My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.

The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.

It was like being leaned on by a very heavy, warm brick. A sexy brick.

Never miss a party…good for the nerves–like celery.

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

All I need is your love. And money.

Sorry Ma’am, we have to get home now because it’s past our curfew.” Trent stood open mouthed in shock but his eyes were shooting murderous rays. So many death glares, so little time.

Brilliance is impossible without a touch of insanity.

I’ve been using the same razor since Occam (William of Ockham) shaved off his beard of excessive assumption. My morning routine is always the same. I wake up, brush my teeth, shower, shave, then I...

Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term ‘entrepreneur’ but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

The atmosphere is always very grave when I walk into a cemetery.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

There comes a time in every woman’s life where she will decide to eat cookie dough. It is when and how that truly defines her.

The remote isn’t broke—it just needs batteries. Well, it’s the same with my love.

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

Everyone thinks you’ve been kidnapped,” he said. “We’ve been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you’ve been here all night?””Frank!” Annabeth’s ears were as red as strawberries. “We just came down...

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.

Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories.

I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi’s additions to my wardrobe. I quickly...

…and a third had died in his bunk of natural causes– for a dagger in the heart quite naturally ends one’s life

NBC is working with a team of astrophysicists to create a new day of the week.

It’s really live television, the way God meant it to be.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

There is something very wrong with you.

As I stepped onto the gloomy landing a word formed in my mind: two syllables, starts with a V and rhymes with dire. I froze in place. Nightingale said that everything was true, after a...

I scoured myself with lye soap from head to toe to get the evil funk of demon snot off me. I have flossed things the gods never meant to be flossed and used things that...