I had a dream about you. Before I shaved my beard, I looked like a cat. My facial hair accurately represented my political beliefs, and if you don’t agree, well you can just lick my...

Let’s be assholes and enjoy the life.

I didn’t need to be a writer to know that I could. Did you have to become a penis to act like a dick?

I can’t believe you cheated!” “I can’t believe you didn’t know it. Man, what kind of got are you? I never knew stupidity had a divine representative. Guess I was wrong, huh?” “You’re such an...

I can play the trumpet, but only if I have a sufficient quantity of anal lube.

You can’t make silly people stay away from you; all you can do is staying away from them.

My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.

I can’t believe you cheated!” I can’t believe you didn’t know it. Man, what kind of god are you? I never knew stupidity had a divine representative. Guess I was wrong, huh?” “You’re such an...

A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.

Sometimes being a nice person is all about knowing when to be an asshole.

My cat just licked my eyeball. Probably because I look like an asshole. I also look like an asshole.

To speak a language that was as intimate and free as certain dreams, saying darkly, thrillingly, My cock inside of you. Your come in my mouth … He focused on the boy’s slim, tight hips;...

The poor girl ws keeping that student’s letter as a precious treasure, and had run to fetch it, her only treasure, because she did not want me to go away without knowing that she, too,...

Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.

My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place.

Don’t be an asshole. Just because you have one, it doesn’t mean it’s okay to act like it.

To lose a worthless friend is worthy of a testimony.

So are there any asshole guys here I can start dating?’ she says. ‘That’s, like, my pattern.

Assistant” around your asshole.

It is my sincere desire that my research and hard work will help create a world where we all learn to walk this Earth, safe, enlightened and free from the perils of cruelty, ignorance, and...

He could be so charming and irreverent and witty, and then-bam!-a switch flipped and he reverted right back to the cocky asshole everyone reported him to be.

I have the ostrich of an asshole. I also have the asshole of an ostrich. With these two things, I have everything I need. Well, aside from love.

My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.

Pain was as much a part of this life as the summer and the winter and the rain, and there was no greater asshole than the one who believed you can cure it.

You’re right, I do indeed want you. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re an asshole.

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

I considered sex work, but then I bent over and looked at my asshole in a mirror. Nobody was going to pay me for access to that thing.

Bitten? You mean you’re a-“”A werewolf,” said the girl. “Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole’s sister.

Bitte. Es ist Morgan! Abschlussballkönig, Sportstar, Einserkandidat, Rebell, Sexgott.” – Tori

There’s bird shit on my toilet paper, and my asshole stings from such a long flight.

Idealists are either blind or clowns; because they think it is possible to have a beautiful world with asshole creatures like humans.

Pride is born as a mountaintop on a valley, but dies as an abyss in which it is too deep and too dark to see the better.

Why?’ He asked.’Why what?’ What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I’d like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don’t tell.

My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.

You are so fool worshiping and dreaming her like an angel; while another asshole is banging her right now.

The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.

He’s not god! He’s just the asshole who fucks with us.

I ought to fire one of my two employees into the other one’s asshole.

Time doesn’t change anything; that is why we still worship asshole Arabs.

I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before....

. . . the only way to tell off an asshole was face-to-face and to look fantastic doing it. So, here she was, with perfect makeup, hair done in a riot of waves that had...