I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I’m proving her wrong. I’m going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Fat is sexy.” Enrolling all our sex addicts in culinary school may be the best way of dealing with obesity. Every meal of the day would be candlelit, every course would be dessert, and our...

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or...

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.

I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too...

A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

Gold is the dazzling element of silence. Arsenic is the untraceable one.

A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.

Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

I had a dream about you. We couldn’t decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was...

Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to...

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...

I’ve never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I’ve never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.

Some people won’t have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.