If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I’m a pornithologist.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

Some people won’t have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman – the idea of her.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I’m proving her wrong. I’m going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

I had a dream about you. We couldn’t decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.

The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.’ – suicide note

If you’re a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children’s future.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or department store after her husband starts coming home drunk.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

Self-awareness of one’s faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.

Gold is the dazzling element of silence. Arsenic is the untraceable one.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.

I’ve never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I’ve never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.