The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children’s future.

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I’m a pornithologist.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Mothers do not have love affairs. Before their children they have dreams, and after their children they have delusions. If the father is involved somewhere, they have fantasies.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

Give up your dreams; you’ll accomplish more without sleep.

I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I’m proving her wrong. I’m going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Fat is sexy.” Enrolling all our sex addicts in culinary school may be the best way of dealing with obesity. Every meal of the day would be candlelit, every course would be dessert, and our...

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or...

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.

I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too...

A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.