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Bauvard  Quotes
I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.

—Bauvard

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AdmirationEnvyFunny
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Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

—Bauvard

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EnvyFunnyHumor
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If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorLove
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People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

—Bauvard

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AmericaFreedomFunny
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We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorPatriotism
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Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorUnderstanding
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Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

—Bauvard

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FunnyLoveUnrequited-Love
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When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

—Bauvard

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BeliefFunnyHumor
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Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

—Bauvard

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ClassFunnyHumanity
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To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

—Bauvard

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AmbitionDeathFunny
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If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.

—Bauvard

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BoastingFunnyPride
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If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

—Bauvard

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ChangeFunnyHumor
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Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too...

—Bauvard

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AmbitionFunnyHumor
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A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.

—Bauvard

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FunnyLoveMothers
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Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorTrees
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Gold is the dazzling element of silence. Arsenic is the untraceable one.

—Bauvard

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PoisoningSilence
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A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.

—Bauvard

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ChristmasFunnyLove
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Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.

—Bauvard

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CombustionFunnyHumor
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I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorIdeas
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Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

—Bauvard

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EducationFunnyHumor
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I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.

—Bauvard

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DwarfismFunnySex
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I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

—Bauvard

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BooksFunnyHumor
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I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorWriting
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The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorNudity
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I had a dream about you. We couldn’t decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

—Bauvard

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DreamingDreamsFunny
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I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

—Bauvard

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BooksCharacterFunny
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Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorLanguage
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Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

—Bauvard

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ArtistsFunnyHumor
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Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

—Bauvard

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EducationFunnyHumor
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I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation.

—Bauvard

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FunnyRudeness
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Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorTelepathy
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I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was...

—Bauvard

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DreamingDreamsFunny
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Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates.

—Bauvard

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BachelorChildrenFunny
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I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to...

—Bauvard

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DreamingDreamsFunny
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Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHappinessHumor
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I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...

—Bauvard

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DreamingDreamsFunny
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I’ve never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I’ve never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.

—Bauvard

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BeautyFunnyIntelligence
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Some people won’t have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

—Bauvard

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FamilyFunnyHumor
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Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHabitRationality
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Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

—Bauvard

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ArroganceFunnyHumor
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Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.

—Bauvard

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CarsExperienceHistory
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Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

—Bauvard

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BikesFunnyHumor
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Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHealingHumor
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Self-awareness of one’s faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.

—Bauvard

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Self-Awareness
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The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

—Bauvard

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FunnyHumorIdealism
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I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian.

—Bauvard

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FunnyLoveSacrifice
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I don’t believe in failure. I’m perseverant – I believe in failing.

—Bauvard

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FailureFunnyHumor
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If you’re a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

—Bauvard

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AdhdErotomaniaFunny
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I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the...

—Bauvard

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DreamingDreamsFunny
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We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn’t just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.

—Bauvard

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PainPleasure
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