Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to...

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...

I’ve never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I’ve never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.

Some people won’t have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

Self-awareness of one’s faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian.

I don’t believe in failure. I’m perseverant – I believe in failing.

If you’re a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the...

We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn’t just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.

Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman – the idea of her.

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.’ – suicide note

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children’s future.

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I’m a pornithologist.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Mothers do not have love affairs. Before their children they have dreams, and after their children they have delusions. If the father is involved somewhere, they have fantasies.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.