Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.

He didn’t want me to get hurt? Wow. Just wow. I might actually be close to a swoon here

The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her.

…Neferet fell smack on her butt.

The character was so strong, particularly because of that distinctive voice, that nobody could picture me in any other type of role.

My parents didn’t raise me to be religious. The closest we come to worship is the Trinity of Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. I think the Merryweather cheerleaders confuse me because I missed out on...

So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.

All right, baby,” Daphne crooned.”Talk to Mama and tell me all your secrets. . . .

I should go in alone,” Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. “If we both go in, it’ll look to official.””So I’ll just stay out here?” Skulduggery asked. “But what’ll I do? There’s no one...

You’ll blow up a helicopter, but you won’t go out with me? What is wrong with you?

I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

Uphill? There’s nothing up the hill,” Colly said, trying desperately to work out where this conversation was going.”As a matter of fact, there is. There’s a bluff about twelve meters high, with a river running...

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.

Oz lists the hem of his shirt, exposing his cut abs, and wipes his brow with the material. Oh my with chocolate on top. That was just beautiful.

I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.

Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks....

Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it...

Shouts of dismay rose as the red flesh splattered against the table. It was only a tomato, but one would think I was pulping a decaying heart by the noise the big, strong FIB officers...

I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the...

Dogs have their day but cats have 365.

I don’t understand people who say they need more “Me Time.” What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else’s body?

I don’t know,’ he said irritably. ‘Is it meant to improve you?’She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock.’Because nothing could,’ he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would...

Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he...

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

I didn’t say what kind of book. You have a foul mind Bingley.””Don’t mock me on my sister’s wedding day!””I mocked you on yours; I hardly see how this is as bad,” was Darcy’s reply.

You thwarted my evil plan.

She’s fifteen!”Nash shrugged. “That’s just a number. It doesn’t say anything about her.””It says something pretty damn funny about your IQ!” I said, and he opened his mouth to retort, but I spoke over him....

I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like “Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah,” and “Ooooh that’s it,” and “Whose hands are those?

You mean you don’t want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.

You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

The road to hell isn’t paved with gold, it’s paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that’s backed by a belief that people have faith in other people’s belief in it.

To observe reality is to change it. Especially if reality catches you observing down its blouse at work.

I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Dare to dream of dreaming daringly.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

A typical breakfast for a CIA ops officer consists of a pastry and a piping hot cup of Armageddon.

No matter how hard you try looking for love, Orafoura once told me, the last place you’ll find it is in another man’s ass. But that may not be true, because the last time I...

X outlawed ⇒ only outlaws will X, where X ∈ {G : people who care about G aren’t all that interested in set theory anyhow}.

At the age of four, I wanted to be eight. At the age of eight, I wanted to be 16. At the age of 16, when I started driving, I wanted to be a Ferrari....

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

The US Intelligence Community: ark and flood in one package.

I want to take all the pain of humanity, ball it up into a compressed, black 16-pound sphere, add three holes in a triangular formation to it, and use it to bowl a strike.

You can’t plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.

Love is, just like isn’t isn’t is.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

She’s your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you’re angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth…Look, there they are.