When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

If they wanted their shit stirred, then stirred their shit was jolly well going to be.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.

I’m bad and I’m going to hell, and I don’t care. I’d rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.

I don’t have a car.”His eyes sliced into mine. “I walked here,” I explained. “I’m on foot.””Angel,” he said in a way that sounded like he sincerely hoped I was joking.

You’re never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh.

It wasn’t love at first sight. They ran into each other one morning in a sunny clearing in the forest. A few moments of stunned silence. `Glockenspiel,’ Adam pronounced, thinking (but with terrible doubt) he’d...

You know how when someone is tall, people will compare them to a string bean? She, my friend, was like asparagus, but without the subsequent odor.

Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn’t be done.

Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a...

I don’t know if it’s a woman’s tone of voice or training. Maybe guys are like, When I go home, I have to hear it. Right now I’m at work.

We have an active program. We have nuclear weapons, we are a nuclear power. We have an advanced missiles program.

All these old guys, they were exactly the same on stage as off, and they couldn’t help being comedians.

Six minutes is a boiled egg.

If you think rightly, every problem is financial problem or eventually becomes one.

We saw Uncle Jack every Christmas, and every Christmas he yelled across the street for Miss Maudie to come marry him. Miss Mauide would yell back, “Call a little louder, Jack Finch, and they’ll hear...

You look good as a Pirate.” Erin”Ahoy, matey,” he said, laying her back against the grass. “Me cap’n’s ship needs a port.” V’ Aidan”Me cap’n’s port needs a ship.” Erin

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.

The list of who’s the best is only one person long. My penis is only one person long too, if that person is two-inches tall.

All right I think we’ve been down here in the dark long enough. There’s a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand Constant Reader and I’ll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine....

Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn’t like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn’t like pancakes?

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.

He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing. Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who...

What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name

I make love like a sandwich ate at my best friend. It’s only happened to me once, and I very nearly didn’t have to pay for it.

Ignorance is not linear, it’s exponential.

You’re starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ’s play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor.

We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke.

Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me.

I was just thinking that he might be willing. It’s not like he needs his semen.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

When he isn’t there, it’s funny, the guys have learned a lot from Edgar. I’ll ask a guy to tell him something and they will, they’ll use a sign and do it.

But if too many countries, as has been the case, interfere too much in the internal affairs, the political situation of Afghanistan, then of course we can’t hope satisfactory results.

Last Sunday it was cloudy, and I thought, Who named this day? Then I thought, Why is there no Loveday? Naturally, It would follow Jarodday.

She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I’m confident I can trick her into it.

Okay, gang,” I said, “according to blueprints, there’s an elevator access panel on the east side of the building. We may get a little dirty, but—””I thought we’d just go through the doors,” Liz said,...

Displacement of ‘What goes around, comes around’ is Zero.

Just so you know,’ I explained, remembering my own earlier arrogance, ‘if you’ve ever owned a cat and therefore think you know how to handle a puma, you don’t. It would be like playing with...

He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too...

Why donate to a sperm bank when you can deposit it directly in different women? When you love the world you try to seed it, like a porn farmer.

Every man dies. Not every man lives.

She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was...

The Puffer Fish: Wherein the author flaunts his vocabulary.His father was IRA and his mother was Quebecois, and they had reliquished their mortal coils in the internecine conflagration that ended their conjoined separatist movement, IRA-Q....

If you find yourself in a movie that you have questions about, it’s not a compromise to your integrity.

I didn’t actually know what regret tasted like—but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk.

teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or ironic. if they say “I wish someone would drop a bomb on this...