If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes...

Forgive me….I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

You don’t scare me, Cadence Jones. I’ve lived with crazy, I’ve ridden with crazy, I’ve vacationed with crazy, I’ve visited crazy in various hospitals, I’ve sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think...

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle.

I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it’s not a lie.

Ladies and gentleman,” he said over the speakers, “welcome aboard this recently liberated Gulfstream V. If I could have your attention for just a few moments, I’d like to go over the safety features of...

Who-who are you?” Seth asked, hesitantly.”Wh-what do you want?” How else was was I supposed to reply? The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.I mean, I’d only seen the movie...

My God, no wonder people like being tied up.

The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do...

The Rangers were founded over one hundred and fifty years ago, in King Herbert’s reign. Do you know anything about him?” Halt looked sideways at the boy sitting beside him, tossing the question out quickly...

You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.

I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after...

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

Push my buttons, and I’ll push you off a bridge. 

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

I can’t see anything” he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. “I’m blind.

Two things in life are certain: uncertainty, and I’m not sure about the second thing.

everything is negotiable. everything.

Well, well, well,” said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. “Well, well, well, well,” replied Pavel, not to be out welled.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is buried wherever you hid it.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”

Piers looked up at him. ‘You’re new. What’s your name?’ ‘Neythen, my lord.”Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I’m sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won’t live...

How did you do it?” I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. “How did you guide Sophie’s soul? I thought you were a reaper.””He’s both,” Nash said from behind me, and I...

I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.

a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.

Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat....

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There’s always time to be humble later, once you’ve been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

Yield.

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

If someone invited you to a flash mob, would you wear a bra?

Once you’ve played a real video game about war, you don’t understand how people can play video games about video games about war.

According to research from punchaguywithglasses.com, homeless people are making as much money as most recent college graduates.

It’s beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing ‘a ping’ may have been a mistranslation.

I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.

I remember the first time I fogged up your astronaut’s helmet. That night we made space like outer love. But I kept it cool like Coors Light in the fridge, even though I felt heavy...

All my memories seem to happen to music. Memories of my mother and father; waking up early on Christmas morning; the little apartment we lived in above the disco.

Secret 83919240. Money is the poot of all evil.

Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal.

WINE!Because these problems aren’t going to forget THEMSELVES!

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.

I Google myself to find out who I am as a person.

A milli-Helen is enough beauty to launch exactly one ship

Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

I am the burrito in the taco. Hold your skepticism, and the lettuce.